This morning, heading downstairs for work, I only barely managed to notice a single strand of spider silk stretched across the stairs before I walked into it. It was only because of a thin slit of sunshine reflecting off of it that tipped me off. Thus, I am forced to conclude that in my house exists the most ambitious spider in the history of the world. This is a spider that wasn't satisfied with a life catching and feeding off house flies and moths and all that rabble. No, this spider - likely even despite enormous amounts of ridicule from its arachnid brothers - aimed higher. It aimed higher than any spider had before. It wanted to catch a human being, and to taste that delicious and illusive human flesh, that the spider elders in the ancient web in my attic often claimed would grant immortality to any spider that could do it.

In one single night, this spider had managed to spin a strand across my stairway, from banister to banister, a distance of like five feet (which translates roughly to like a hundred spider miles, I'd imagine). I wonder, if given enough time, if it would have spun a full web across there. Next time we go on vacation, I gotta look out, lest I end up spider food. It's unfortunate that this guy tipped his hand so early, because now I'm on alert, and I won't be caught by such a simple trap next time. For a creature with eight separate eyes, you got pretty shitty foresight, Mr. Spider.

I generally have a policy never to kill spiders I find in the house, because I figure that letting it live is equivalent to personally killing every single annoying fly or moth that it captures and eats in its lifetime. But the sheer audacity of this punkass spider shocks me, and I feel like now I have to set an example out of him, or else every spider in the house is going to think it's acceptable to gun for me. If I find this asshole, I'm going to squash him. I will not tolerate this level of disrespect in the home in which I live.

Now for some links.

- Marty McFly's kicks from Back To The Future Part II are now available, seven years earlier than expected, as the Air McFly. These are so wicked cool, but I just cannot imagine a scenario in which someone can wear these out in public and not be a total dork. Don't think they have power laces either, unfortunately. Next one up is hopefully going to be the self drying jacket. I don't care too much for hoverboards. I mean they don't even work over water. ...unless you got POWER!

- Thought this was a super neato trinket: an Iron Man variant toy by XLarge at the recent San Diego Comic-Con. Here's last year's Hulk variant and the original.

- This one's for Jess. John Nouanesing's catalogue of neato product designs. Highlights include a tilted soup plate, a warp pipe vase, and a table made of blood.

- Random links to commercials for Stride (glorious), Starburst (chilling), and Volkswagen (blatantly inappropriate).

- Finally, I bring you a glorious glimpse into a dream world in which there are No Such Thing As Asians. Why does the sentiment of this video reverberate so deeply and loudly in my own dark heart? To be honest, I had to watch this one a few times through, because at first I just couldn't get over the callous treatment of that issue of Amazing Spider-Man #543 in that one scene. Support the spine, for fuck's sake! I don't remember it being a very funny issue either - it's about how Spider-Man threatens to kill Kingpin with his bare hands if Aunt May can't come out of her coma because she was shot in her stomach. ...well...I guess it's kinda funny. Hurm.

PORQUUUUUUUUUUUUE!!!

7/31/2008 03:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

Unfortunately it's shaky cam footage straight from the San Diego Comic-Con, but here it is.

Wolverine trailer
pt1
pt2

Is that Deadpool and Gambit? Awwww hells yeah.

*edit*

More Links!

1) Star Wars scenes with dubbed audio from other movies.
2) Stephen Hawking "Pimp My Ride"

Oh fucking hell.

7/28/2008 08:08:00 PM | Comments (0)

Couldn't really sleep last night. Finally woke up completely to the sound of birds chirping at 5:30 AM, so I took a shower. I don't think I've ever taken a shower at this time in the morning...unless I was away on vacation and took into account the time zone difference.

My internet's finally back though. That was a rough two days without it.

Here are Will Ferrell and John C Reily being stupid and spoiling the ending for Dark Knight so that you'll go and watch Step Brothers instead. Which I will now do.

Oh, and The Perry Bible Fellowship has finally been updated for the first time in what seemed like half a year.

...man I am tired. I'm going back to bed.

Not today.

7/27/2008 06:43:00 AM | Comments (0)

Anchorman 2, confirmed. So tonight when I go to watch Dark Knight, it will no longer be the movie I'm most looking forward to seeing. That itch will still be there.

Also, Adam McKay is surprisingly very tall.

Now for some more links which I have accumulated over the last...month of not posting. I've cut a bunch because they've either already been posted or they've for some reason ceased to be funny any more...but my standards have always been pretty low anyway.

- In preparation for tonight...Dark Knight PSA: UV Protection. There's five of these in total (and counting, I think), and they're all brilliant. The intro, the voice, the weird, awkward vibe, resisting the temptation to explicitly go for the easy route and the obvious punchline...I love it so much. ...it's probably mainly just the voice. God, it's so good.

- LOL MONEY by YTCracker, a graduate straight out of the Ma$e School Of Monotone Rap. If you're looking for something different between the 0:25 mark and the 4:06 mark...I'm going to tell you right now that you're not going to find it. Not sure what else I need to add that hasn't been covered already in the YouTube comments, but I do want to stress that he is spitting some hot fire. And by that, I mean he has the ability to gain +1/+0 until end of turn at the cost of one red mana.

- The previous sentence thus allows me to chain right into the LOL MANA Remix which increases the factor of retardedness a hundredfold. For those of you keeping score at home, this now brings us to infinity times 100 total points of retardedness.

- Here is "the famous French prankster" Remi Gaillard being an ass and kicking soccer balls into random things in public. The only thing more crazy than white people are, of course, European white people.

- The third installment of Acting with James Franco. It's quite stupid, just like all the other ones. God bless 'em.

- This video regarding the actual fate of what happens to hangman stickmen begs the same question regarding the ultimate outcome of all those weird doodles we used to have in junior high. That is to say, if anything we did during junior high is even legitimate history, which it is not. Mulligan year, hurray!

- Kid critical after setting Brooklyn fire to 'kill grandma' as revenge. Jesus Christ. 5 year-old kids decides to set some curtains on fire as an attempt to "kill grandma" after she didn't allow him to go to the park with his friends. And now he's in critical condition in the hospital, with 70% of his body covered in third degree burns. I mean we've all wanted to do some hood rat stuff with our friends, but this takes it a bit farther than expected.

- Next is a rather bizarre news story. The article is actually pretty succinct and comprehensive, but let's do a quick recap anyway. Police in Florida find a dude hanging out in the woods, going through a bunch of sonograms that he apparently printed off the internet. This man then allows the police to search through his van, at which point they find the following items...

• a blonde wig
• rope
• gloves
• binoculars
• knives
• two spent 9 mm shell casings
• 18 human teeth in a film canister

Far be it for me to jump to conclusions, but I would think that it wouldn't be completely inaccurate to say that this fellow was perhaps up to some extra-curricular activities of a suspect nature. What's crazy is that the police can only really charge him with concealing a weapon (an 18-inch machete), which in Florida is only a first degree misdemeanor which gets you a maximum of $1,000 fine and a year in jail. Even then, I'm doubtful as to if they can actually get the charge to stick - a machete isn't a gun, you could argue exactly what the definition of "concealed" was and the circumstances of how it was found in his car, and bring up the fact that technically...this guy wasn't doing anything illegal. Even a sonogram can't really be considered child pornography...for all we know, this could have just been some random innocent guy caught in some "it isn't what it looks like!" type scenario. I bet this exact scene probably happened like half a dozen times in Fraiser.

Still, probably not a great idea to hang out alone in the woods at night in Port St. Lucie any time soon.

- Silly Street Fighter related nonsense. The Tiger Shot bit absolutely killed me.

- I have here some details regarding Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (which started filming in May) promising more robots and less humans, and also some pictures of a new Corvette concept that will apparently be featured in the movie. Although the validity of the latter is still suspect, because...well, it's the internet. But here's the best snippet from that article, which has been confirmed already: "Soundwave's in it." YEEEEEEEEAAAAAH BOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIII.

Makes you wonder how it's going to work, and how Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, and all those guys fit in, since the majority of this movie's targeted demographic probably doesn't know what the hell a tapedeck even is. But listen...just do it anyway. He crashes into like a pawn shop or something and scans a tapedeck along with a whole bunch of miscellaneous crap to explain his cassette buddies, keep his supercool voice, and everyone's happy (me most of all).

By the way, check out this old wicked commercial for Blaster (the lame, Autobot version of Soundwave). I just love the beginning bit.

Rumble: "Hey Soundwave, check out this completely ordinary free radio I found outside!"
Soundwave: "...you fucking IDIOT."

I also like how the Optimus Prime figure was like half the size of Blaster, which again speaks to the complete disregard that entire property had towards relative size and mass...and like, science, in general. Like how they had like a 70 feet tall, 50 ton robot transforming into a regular-sized pistol. Just think about that for a second.

- Finally, here's a random three second long clip of Baron Davis and Steve Nash riding a tandem bike in Santa Monica. For some reason, it gets funnier the more I watch it.

NOT A WORKING RADIO

7/24/2008 05:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

Anchorman 2?

Looks like the captain's back.

7/23/2008 02:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

Dr. Horrible: a musical about a super-villain in 3 acts.

It stars NPH and Mal from Firefly, and was written by Joss Whedon. It's only online for free until Sunday (Act 3 goes up on Saturday).

P.S. I'm dubbing our inevitable future musical "Project Apollo".

Addendum: Watchmen trailer! This is the first full graphic novel I ever read, so pants are officially soiled.

7/17/2008 04:03:00 PM | Comments (0)

Qualifications

Ragged Wood - Fleet Foxes

In updating my resumé, I've been told that it's important for me to list whatever valuable skills I might have. While my qualities are many, I thought it would be wise to concentrate on my writing ability. As a qualified English Major and a pop culture nut, I can provide detailed essays on the following topics:

* Why The Office sucks now
* Why professional wrestling is an art form and totally not a gay thing
* Why, if one was a resident of the DC Universe, killing The Joker is not only morally in the right but absolutely necessary
* Why, if one was a resident of the Marvel Universe, you've almost definitely slept with a Skrull
* Why Tina Fey is the best, most perfect woman in the universe
* Why Van Helsing is not only the greatest film ever made, but a dark reflection of mankind's fallacies; also, how this film can teach us to survive the inevitable zombie apocalypse
* How Weezer went from being the best band in the world to...not that

A comprehensive "works cited" page will NOT be guaranteed.

*****

Did anyone watch the MLB Home Run Derby yesterday? No? Just me? Anyway, there's this guy named Josh Hamilton. Hamilton is a former no. 1 overall draft pick who's career was slightly derailed by a minor crack/heroine/alcohol/horse tranquilizer/children's cough medicine addiction. He was suspended from baseball for a few years and he ended up discovering God. Last year, he actually made it back to the majors playing for the Cincinnati Reds, had a decent year and was then traded to the Texas Rangers. Last night, he participated in the Home Run Derby in Yankee Stadium. He hit 28 out in the first round. I know not everyone here is a baseball fan, so I'll put this in context for you: That is a lot.

Hamilton ended up losing in the final round (after the scores were reset) to a good ol' Canadian boy, Justin Morneau (New Westminster, represent!), but that first round was a spectacular and touching moment, nonetheless. Every few homers, the broadcasters would remind us about how amazing it was that he'd overcome his addictions and put his life together. Joe Morgan, a broadcaster who has his good and bad moments, chimed in by saying something to the effect of this:

As incredible as his story is, I'm more impressed by the fact that he could come back after three years off and swing the bat so well.

That's right folks, forget about the fact that this guy came back from repeated suicide attempts, the real story is that he can hit a ball good with a stick. Modern day sports broadcasting at it's finest.

*****

The track list for Rock Band 2 has leaked. Whatever.

...

FLEETWOOD MAC!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Other highlights for me include (but are not limited to): So Whatcha Want (my favourite, favourite Beastie Boys song), Billy Idol, The Middle, Lit(!), The Smashing Pumpkins' Today, Come Out And Play...and a bunch more!

IT'S THE MAC!

*****

A couple of links:

From College Humor, Guy Stuck In Class. Don't forget to hit that "watch in high quality" button, kids. I love the bit about how classroom air is like blankets. This one is a little too familiar for my tastes.

And just for the hell of it, the video for White Winter Hynmal by Fleet Foxes. Ha ha, it's like I used two Fleet Foxes tracks for this post! That said, I reserve the right to use this song later for a more somber, boner killing post.

I wonder if you put your soft dick into the opening of a glass bottle, could you get a boner? What would happen? You'd get stuck. I guess why would you get a boner in the first place unless you like to fuck tiny replicas of seafaring vessels.

7/15/2008 04:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

A Show, By Any Other Name...

Another Postcard - Barenaked Ladies

Wow, I hadn't visited the site in about a week and much to my surprise, there have been no new posts since my last one. There are a couple of explanations. Brian and William have been working hard on Project: Artemis, while I have been doing my best to NOT work on that. Combine that with NOT looking for a job and frankly, I'm swamped. However, I did find time to come up with some potential titles for our fledgling series. Inspiration came from song titles, tea leaves and my own peyote induced hallucinations:

The Bleeding Heart Show
There She Goes
You Can Make Her Like You
Happy Gilmore
BLiu Balls
BLiu Love
The Screw Job
WAMBAG.COM Falls In Love (I like this one)
Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
Seven Days In The Suburbs
Love Is Colourblind (or Colourblind Love)
Roses Are Grey (again with the colourblind theme)

And, of course, Casablanca. Though I felt that was a little too obvious. Back to work.

Have you ever been in love?
You might say that.
Horrible, isn't it?
In what way?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...you give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
How picturesque.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt. A real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

7/09/2008 04:44:00 PM | Comments (0)