Better Than I Deserve

Someday - Jacksoul

Let me tell you about my week.

It was not looking good. I had a presentation and a 12 page essay due on Friday and while I knew it wouldn't be easy, I was sure I could get it done. A late late night here, an all-nighter there and voila! it'd all be done. Of course, as the week dragged on and I wasted more time, I realized that this might not be possible.

Hope.

At the end of Wednesday's Short Story lecture, this girl, God bless her, asks if we can hand in the essay next Monday. This eventually gets extended to next Wednesday and suddenly, things aren't looking so bad. Of course, being the dick that I am, I still had to make things hard for myself. I pulled an all-nighter on Thursday to finish my presentation on The Mill On The Floss by George Eliot, an excellent book. If I didn't do it last minute I might have actually enjoyed the damn thing. However, I force fed myself the last 250 or so pages and ended up starting the actual presentation at about 7 in the morning. I had class at 11. And for anyone who doesn't know, I DO NOT live on residence.

I was happy to get it done, regardless. The material was horrible, but anyone who has ever seen me do a presentation knows that I made it good. There were three other presentations that day, two by guys. To put it gently: I tea bagged those motherfuckers. For those of you who don't know, tea bagging is when a guy in basketball jumps so high to dunk the ball on another player that he actually rubs his genitalia in the other guy's face. It's also the name of a bizarre sex act (Tom knows what I'm talking about), but I won't get into that. But yeah, I rocked.

After class I had to go get tickets for The Arcade Fire concert in April. I was buying for Max, Gary, Erica and myself. This required me to go to a record store called Rotate This!, which is like this hardcore indy record store. I inevitably got lost on the way and it was fucking freezing and I forgot to bring enough cash so I had to hit a TD bank after I actually found the damn store and I got charged extra because I'm a Bank of Montreal guy and I could barely feel my hands and then I got some McDonald's but the place was full so I had to walk all the way back to campus to find a place to eat...and this all took almost 2 hours.

Totally worth it. Picture this: A half dead, half delirious Alex wandering through the streets of Toronto on a cold winter's day, alone and frightened. Constantly having to avoid eye contact with the various denizens of the city while also keeping an eye out for a particular record store among the cafes, novelty shops and fetish stores. Hands red. There was a strange beauty to it, as there often is in the case of needless suffering. Though it's only noticeable if the suffering ends with some reward. In this case, 4 concert tickets, a warm McDonald's meal and an unforgettable (no matter how hard I try) walk.

And finally, 20 minutes of hanging out with Jess without anybody else around, especially that shitfucker William for once. As always, she was my shelter from the cold.

After I finished my classes, I was completely drained, but I still had a dinner to go to. I won't lie. I wasn't super excited about it. The last thing I wanted to do was have to see a flurry of my old school chums while suffering from sleep deprivation and insubstantial exuberance. Luckily, it turned out to be a small affair with people who I will never have a problem spending time with. Lee. Jeff. Eva. Nitasha. Max. Gary. Was that it? It was so much more than a typical "catchin' up on things" get-together. We just sat around and joked about nothing for an hour (or two?), like old times. Some things never change. Some things shouldn't. And Nitasha, I will work on having more confidence, because you always tell me too.

Late night Friday night ballin' as usual. No tea-baggings. I tell you this because it sets up a Hell-ish Saturday morning at work. Besides the fact that my stomach was killing me all day (my body wasn't used to being up before noon...or 2 o'clock in the afternoon for that matter), I was still sore from basketball (DAMN YOU EXERCISE!). I actually went to the washroom in the middle of work and when I came back, the checkout lines had built up to critical mass. Whoops.

Then I came home and slept for about 4 hours. Aaaaah...

So there ya go. I've got another long week ahead of me, with the aforementioned Short Story essay and another one for Major British Writers. I'm staying positive.

PQ:
Now, would I be right in sayin' you'd like to put the past behind you? Maybe settle down somewhere kinda quiet...Forget about some things you ain't too proud of...
Thuz--Thuz ud ugzugluh! (*That's--That's it exactly!)
Yeah. See, when I first came here it was in the wake of the awful things my brother did. He was a devil to the good folks of this town, the pain an' sufferin' he caused was unforgiveable...I knew I had to do somethin'--I felt like I owed Salvation. I had to open up my shit plant right away. Hell, listen to me. I guess all I'm sayin' is I know a bit about escapin' from the past, about makin' a fresh start...Lemme get right to it, son. Would you like to come and shovel shit for me?
Yuh budyuh!! (*You betcha!!)

2/27/2005 02:27:00 AM | Comments (0)

I present to you Office Friends. The page is kind of weird and it might take a bit to load, but I assure you it is excellent. Though I do admit I might be biased here. This features scenes from the Yak-approved (full WAMBAG-approval still pending) movie Office Space played by the Super Friends. (Hence "Office Friends" - IT'S SO CLEVER!!!) Hal Jordan will never be the same to me. If you've never seen Office Space then this link will mean absolutely nothing to you...but that doesn't really matter since you wouldn't even deserve to live anyway.

2/24/2005 11:58:00 PM | Comments (0)

This will be a great year for movies. Check out the trailer for A Scanner Darkly, which seems like another stylish flick in the vein of Sin City. The movie's based on a book by Philip K. Dick, the guy who wrote the tales that Blade Runner and Minority Report were based on.

In other news, Yak has introduced me to the wonderful world of cocaine*. My descent into madness starts now. I'll never be able to return to the soft stuff now that I've experienced perfection.

*and by cocaine, I mean "Arrested Development". That's right, officers. Nothing to see here.

2/22/2005 07:52:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ivory

Drop It Like It's Hot - Snoop Dogg f. Pharell

Damn you, Will. I almost pee'd myself after reading that Lost In Translation thing. To put it in bad subtitles, "Damn you to a thousand hells bastard!"

I've got a 500 page book to read for a 3 page presentation on Friday and a 12 page essay due on the same day. Suffice to say, I have barely started either. So it's definitely going to be a week of abstinence for me. No video games, little TV and NO sex. Some sacrifices will be tougher than others.

Instead of going to lunch with anyone today, I went to eat a quick sandwich at the Understudy Cafe and read in Gerstein. However, I kept dozing off so I decided to move to University College. I heard people playing piano in one of the study halls, so I decided to just go up and listen. I didn't want to intrude, so I hung around the entrance. It was a Chinese guy and girl and myself. They were wonderful. The girl waved me over to come and sit, so I did, but not too close. I shut my eyes and listened for about fifteen minutes. I was in a total music zone, a state in which a listener can find both physical and spiritual resonance in each note. It can happen with any kind of music. A club banging rap song. An overproduced pop song. A seemingly melody-less hard rock anthem. Or, in this case, a nameless classical piece. The two left and silently, I thanked them. It was a brief moment of peace in what is looking to be a hectic and miserable week.

PQ:
Then there's this blur an' the fucker's shootin'.
So he drew on you.
Ain't what I said. A blur an' then shootin'. I didn't see no draw.

2/22/2005 12:30:00 AM | Comments (0)

I was browsing around, looking for an excuse not to do work, and I found the site that brought us Spider-Man and his rape dollars. The stuff I've seen so far is okay, I suppose, but I just wanted to point out this one bit. Seems right up our alley.

...man, there is no way to say "seems right up our alley" without it sounding extremely homosexual.

"Ha ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!"

2/21/2005 07:57:00 PM | Comments (0)

Found a link off a site that pointed me to a forum with a thread about a post on another forum that was apparently from none other than the legendary PJ Phil. That's correct! PJ PHIL - who along with PJ Paul formed the greatest duo in Canadian television history (screw Don Cherry and Ron MacLean).

His first post recounts what he's been up to since he left YTV. A little bit humbling. And his second is about how he's now looking into doing stand-up in LA.

Wow. PJ Phil. Snit. The pants dance. Lifetimes ago.

EDIT: And here's some more childhood humbling related news. The New York Post reports that Warner Brothers is redesigning the Looney Tunes for the next generation. The idea sounds so terrible that it actually seems more like a hilarious hoax to me instead. But then you do some more digging...and it gets a little less funny. Or more, depending on how you look at it. Be sure to check out the promo.

WOW. I don't even have words for this one. But when "Buzz" says "What's up...DOC?" I think my soul just...shrivels up. I feel so...cold.

2/19/2005 02:27:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Reason For The Season

Tinfoil - Limblifter

Reading week has been a blast. Here are some highlights:

* I've managed to log wake-up times of 3:30 and 4:30 in the afternoon. Barring some sort of illness, I may never top that.

* I've spent almost the entire last two days downtown. Ugh. But a good Ugh. Yesterday, I thought we'd walked a lot going to Rainbow and back from Jess' residence to watch Hitch. It didn't compare to today, when I was hanging out with Erica downtown. I was trying to guide her back to campus from around Dundas station and obviously, we got lost. It was a learning experience, but hell, what isn't? I also took her to the Hairy Tarantula, which may have been a bad idea. She called it one of the seediest places she'd been to, which I found odd for someone who goes to so many different venues in pursuit of independent rock music. Then again, I'm not saying she was wrong, heh heh. I only hung around long enough to get a membership, finish up my collection of Preacher trades with Vol. 4: Ancient History and see Erica get murdered by the owner's cat. It was a good day. Welcome to my world!

* Over the last three or four days, on my SNES emulator, I've finished ActRaiser and Vegas Stakes. I'm playing so much emulator to avoid playing ESPN NFL 2k5 too much on my X-Box, but it doesn't seem to be working out as I had planned. My dad says I may have addictive behaviour. Well I'll show him by beating Arkanoid: Doh It Again (not a typo) next! Take that, old man!

One last bit. When I beat a video game, I always like to get the "Special Thanks to (insert random names)...AND YOU" ending. At the end of Vegas Stakes, your reward is you become a millionaire and get to fill in this response:

I WANT TO __________

Seeing as how "have an orgy with Jessica Alba, Christina Milian, Karina Huber and Eva Longoria" didn't fit, I laboured over what to put, I finally just wrote:

BE HAPPY

After the credits finished, the screen went black and this text appears on my screen that read:

YOU WILL BE HAPPY

Yeah, I hope so.

PQ:
In our hearts we're as savage as they are. Indians an' whites ain't but two tribes of butchers, fightin' over a stretch of dirt. What'll decide it in the end is who's meanest.
But surely you don't belive that? If we triumph, it'll be by God's will! We stand for decency and civilization! You yourself, sir--You rescued me from five Indians, single-handed and without a thought for your own safety!
I didn't know you were there. As to decency: I crept up an' shot them in the back, when they were too damn drunk to fight.

2/17/2005 11:58:00 PM | Comments (0)

My aunt owns a flower shop, and so I spent Valentine's Day helping out. Business at the flower shop always picks up around this time of year. I've never really figured out why. Regardless, here's a small recounting of my days in today's installment of Provoking Facts from Choking Yak.

- I've been walking this Valentine's Day beat for a long while now. And I've noticed that men predominately buy flowers as gifts. And women predominately buy teddy bears and other types of stuffed critters as gifts. That makes sense right? I've also noticed that in the days preceding Valentine's Day, the majority of customers are women. And then on the day of, it's mostly men. And during the last three hours before closing time on Valentine's Day, it's all men. I guess that makes sense too.

- The place I worked was in the middle of the mall. So I saw some really stupid looking people walking around. This one guy in particular sticks in my mind. An Asian punk (possibly a dirty Thai, for Jess' sake) complete with leather jacket, random blonde highlights, a face you'd pay money to kick, and a gay entourage of similar characters. The type of guy who gives the impression that he looks like he's always pouting in an attempt to look hard, a guy who rides a lame import with tweaks that cost more than the price of the car, who holds his right hand at the top of the steering wheel while he drives, the guy who talked way too loudly in the school cafeteria in his dirty Asian language. That kind of guy. And these bastards would always buy Valentine's Day gifts. And every time, it would piss me off. Why do these losers have nice girls to buy gifts for and I don't? But I don't feel so bad about that anymore. Because I realized that these gifts are probably for their gay entourage members, and not some hot girlfriend. Least that's what I tell myself, and if it helps me sleep a little easier at night, then I'll keep saying it.

- A lot of people mill around the shop and orbit it like it's a giant celestial body, trying to decide on what to buy or whether to buy something at all. If they get the point where they look like they're just about to give up and leave, I attempt to telepathically compel them to stay and buy something instead (Trab pu kcip...TRAB PU KCIP!). I'm 2 for 16. Nine of those times, they went to Laura Secord instead to buy chocolates. And once, it backfired on me and I ended up buying some ice cream. Laura Secord might have been a nosy gossiping bitch, but her ice cream is delicious.

- Someone paid with a five dollar bill that had a website printed on it. Seemed interesting, so I obliged to help out. And apparently, I'm the only one that's done so. That's pretty lame. Lamer still is that someone paid me with Quebec money! But note the distance between North York and Canton-de-Granby - 562 kilometres. Huh.

- For no reason at all, here is a list of all the main Sin City books, including the year they were originally published.
Sin City (1993)
A Dame To Kill For (1995)
The Big Fat Kill (1996)
That Yellow Bastard (1997)
Family Values (1997)
Booze, Broads & Bullets (1998)
Hell And Back (2000)
As I understand it, the movie will be based off the first four books. Also included is the story The Customer Is Always Right (starring Josh Hartnett as the salesman), which originally was featured in the one-shot The Babe Wore Red And Other Stories (1994), and is collected in Booze, Broads & Bullets. I've heard that it was originally filmed as a pitch for the Sin City movie, and then later thrown into the main movie just for kicks.

- Also for no reason at all, here's the Sin City trailer again. I've already saved it to the hard drive. I say it's the best goddamn trailer of all time. The fact that it beat out the first trailer for The Life Aquatic in my eyes, even while pretty much devoid of usable one-liners should speak for itself. Dammit Jess, now you've got me hooked on this movie again. April 1st is too far away. I am pumped for this movie. ...and yes - I was pumped for The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (aka LXG...ugh) as well - but to be fair, that was before I saw the trailer. And also, Sin City > The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Especially the second one, with Martians. That one sucked.

- What kind of loser buys his girlfriend flowers anyway? It's so corny that it's pathetic. How sad. I hope that I will never get to the point in my life where I've become such a useless waste of flesh that I will resort to buying my girlfriend flowers. But what do I know? Maybe it's so cheesy that it's clever. Maybe it's a little disarmingly charming? ...maybe a little...endearing? No? Okay.

2/15/2005 03:07:00 PM | Comments (0)

Valentine's Day

You Blew Me Off - Bare Jr.

I wrote this poem in grade 10:

There's not a day I don't remind myself of what I'm missing.
Tender embrace, a loving touch, and the sound of soft lips kissing.
On Valentine's, a day of love, it's not just me who moans.
I feel like the entire world is telling me I'm alone.

The halls are filled with couples dancing in each others arms.
They feel as long as they hold, they are safe from all harms.
Even the sun seems to be in love with the sky.
It sucks when I'm by myself. Watching the time go by.

Some of your friends will tell you that you'll make it after all.
But they're lonely too, and in denial, ready for a fall.
So you try to listen to the advice, good hearted as it is.
Then you see the girl of your dreams and fall back into the abyss.

It's sweet that we take one day to celebrate a human feeling.
A day to cheer those who think that the heart is made for stealing.
On the other hand, it's also a sharp reminder of the ever constant pain.
That comes from waiting for your chance, alone and in the rain.

Oh what a glorious feeling it must be to have somone to covet.
Someone who compares you to the world and holds you high above it.
And on this day, that feeling must be a thousand times sweeter.
I wouldn't know, because in my life, I have yet to meet her.

For some this can testify to the strength of good romance.
Some people can throw caution away and take a foolish chance.
As for me, I guess there really isn't much I have to say.
Except for "Damn I hate this lovely, happy, Valentine's day."

Again, yes, that was in grade 10, not in grade 3 or 4 as it may seem. Trust me, this is as painful for me to read as it is for you. Though for the record, I still say it's better than anything by Good Charlotte or Simple Plan (saying much?). Why have I decided to share this with you today? Not for the reasons you might think.

Believe it or not, I am not one of those people who becomes super depressed on Valentine's Day. At least, not anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still appreciate the holiday's more meloncholic properties, but at the same time I've learned to deal with what the day is supposed to be about: Love.

As you all know, I've spent my entire life looking to be with someone. It's the only thing that matters to me. And I used to hate Valentine's Day for the same reason most people do. Seeing other people frolicking and gallivanting and generally making merry is not the most pleasant sight for the "relationship-challenged" among us.

But I'm past all that now. I like to think I'm in my "nature loving, bird feeding, free wheeling, Philly travelling, life appreciating" phase right now and frankly, that includes looking upon the romantics with respect and occasionally, admiration. No longer do I look upon a couple making out in the park and wish to harm them physically. Instead, I wonder how they got together. Did they just meet? Have they been dating for years? Is he cheating on her? Or vice versa? Obviously, some scenarios are more interesting than others, but regardless, I find myself appreciating love in all its forms.

I myself have been blessed with more friend and family love than a schlub like myself deserves. Though I complain about being lonely a lot, I have known more love in my life than I ever thought possible and every day I'm grateful for that.

So if you're one of those people who hates Valentine's Day, I say give it a rest for a while. Take the time to think about all the people who care about you, or what a privilege it is to even be in love...even if that love is unreciprocated. And to all of you out there who have a significant other, all I can say is God bless and good luck. I hold you in the highest regard.

Of course, none of this means that I'm actually going to leave the house today.

PQ:
I wish I was going with you. I wish I was one of you. Either one.

2/14/2005 04:56:00 PM | Comments (0)

I had a glorious post all typed up and ready to go. But when I published it, my internet went out. So now it's gone forever. And since now I'm all tired and cranky, I don't feel like typing it out again.

Here's the jist - I'm so tired. Add random ninja references and maybe a Perry Bible Fellowship comic or two as well. Truth be told...you're not missing much.

So I'll just give you a joke before I go to sleepy time.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A baby.

Aaaand goodnight.

2/10/2005 11:50:00 PM | Comments (0)

What's the best thing about the Superbowl? The ads of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, Weekend At Bernie's II is on I have lots of important work to do.

2/08/2005 10:07:00 PM | Comments (0)

Some links...

- I hate McDonald's. Yet I always end up eating there.

- New cancer gene identified. Not much else I need to say about this one.

- David Hasselhoff: Hooked on a Feeling [2002]. Wow.

- The Cuddly Menace. Disturbing.

- Deep sea creatures. I'm going to be honest here - some of these fishies look pretty damn scary. But the dumbo octopus is the greatest thing I have ever seen. I saw a picture of it in Time today too (it was a different picture though).

2/06/2005 10:33:00 AM | Comments (0)

This just in: Islamist militants target deomcratic morale with latest terrorist ploy. That's sick.

2/03/2005 04:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

For A Friend

Wake Up - The Arcade Fire

I don't know when you'll have time to read this, mate, but welcome home. Good luck with everything. For better or for worse, you've got one of the strongest wills I've ever known, but I guess that's going to be put to the test over the next few days...weeks...months...years...however long it takes. And we'll be around.

I've always joked about you being a know-it-all, someone who always had an answer or at least acted like it. Well, don't look too hard for one right now.

I'll leave you to it, then.

PQ:
How did you know?
Didn't. Just guessed an' hoped. Things you said, things I saw 'bout you. Some stuff Lorie told me. You?
I didn't even imagine, until you--you called me--oh, God...Jesus. This is going to take some explaining. And I will, I promise I will. But will you hold me tight just a little while longer?

2/01/2005 07:24:00 PM | Comments (0)