Choking Yak
I have been awake for 42 consecutive hours so far. No real reason. It started off as a very light bout of insomnia, and then I just decided that I would skip it entirely, see how long I could ride it for.
So far I've broken my previous career high by like 10 hours. And I've also fit in a full day's worth of work at the office and a relatively successful softball game in there as well.
I feel alert, I feel good, I feel like I'm as sharp as a knife right now. I know this to be a complete illusion however, because I just took close to a minute to figure out what five plus seven was...and then I completely forgot why I was even adding those two numbers in the first place. I know for a fact that I'm extremely mentally sluggish right now, although I don't really feel it at all. But I'm catching myself walking into rooms with no recollection of what I intended to do there originally, and it's very hard to concentrate on stuff.
So I thought I'd post about it, see if there's any special insights that a man has while sleep deprived.
So far, no special insights.
I want to break the 50 hour mark. I really don't think I can do it though.
Work has been the hardest part of it all so far - it should never be this busy on a Friday. I kept catching myself falling into like five second long micro-naps whenever I would stop moving. I kept on daydreaming about being able to inject coffee in a syringe directly right into my heart and how wonderful it would be to get all this cloudy haze out of my ears. It feels like a big thing of cotton candy is growing out of the base of my neck...I need sleep.
NO, NO SLEEP YET.
By comparison, softball was a lot easier. The other pitcher threw a lot of pitches on the outside part of the plate...and that's where I live.
I keep seeing weird shapes and shadows moving and flickering, always just on the outermost corners of my vision...I'm pretty convinced that gremlins have invaded my room. Only they're waiting for like...a special command word before they spring, so now I'm terribly afraid of saying some special uncommonly used word that would activate all the little gremlins that are living on the borders of my sight.
Rutabaga!
...nope, still here.
Oh man, I have no idea how to end this post. I really don't feel like pasting a link into this post...I just want to leave whichever ones of you that were unfortunate enough to actually read through this whole thing with a sound that I want you to imagine just as like a very guttural, Wookie-like, groan of mild displeasure.
I think I just stretched it out to 43 hours by writing this retarded post. I can make it to 50. I can do it.
Can't sleep, clowns with eat me.
Choking Yak
The whole week, I had no idea what to post up here since I didn't really have any relevant links or stories...and then I realized that there are no standards here, and that I could just pull any random shit out of my mind, put it up here, and people would still have to read it. So problem solved.
The following are what I like to refer to as
Choking Yak's Provoking Facts. They can also be referred to as Things That Are Slowly Driving Me Insane, and susequently, future exhibits for the prosecution when they inevitably try me for murder.
- I got really mad at a stranger while going down the elevator for lunch today. For some reason I had this good feeling that I was going to get a completely uninterrupted elevator ride down today with no stops - even though it was lunchtime and I work on the 11th floor of a 14th storey building - the fact that it stopped immediately the 10th floor, the first possible stop, and that I was just so grossly mistaken about the smooth ride...it made me really hate him. And no one else had gotten on at that point, it was just him and I riding down the elevator together. As the seconds ticked by and we got closer and closer to the ground level and no one else got on, I grew increasing upset that this one single guy had ruined my uninterrupted ride. If only he didn't get on! I'd have an entire elevator all to myself! And as he stood with his back to me, just starring at the elevator doors like the fucking clueless asshole he was, this urge to kill him slowly started to grow. I kept wondering what would happen if I just grabbed him from behind in a sleeper hold...would there be enough floors to go still so that I could completely choke him out before we hit the ground and people saw what I was doing? What would be the probability of us suddenly stopping at a floor once I started? It hadn't stopped at any other floor yet...maybe if I had just started immediately as he got on and turned his back to me, he'd be dead already...and every second I hesitated was another valuable second I could have used to kill him instead...
Someone eventually came in on the 3rd floor. I was somewhat surprised to be noticably relieved that I hadn't actually tried to strangle him, otherwise I would have been found out. I wonder if I could have just passed it off as the Heimlich Maneuver, only I had just missed his abdomen and grabbed his neck instead?
Somewhat believable, right? I''m sure that'd give a jury reasonable doubt.
I will never forget his face. One day...he will pay.
- I got a text message from Telus today thanking me for my patronage since 2008, since I had signed my current contract with them on this date last year. It was nice gesture...only the thing is that this is the second three year contract with them, so I've been a customer since 2005. So obviously they don't really care at all. If you told your wife "Happy first ever anniversary!" on your
fourth anniversary...will you be rewarded for remembering today was your anniversary? Or will you be in trouble because you forgot how many of them you've had already? I feel like such a cheap consumer whore when my phone company forgets how long we've been together. Don't you remember the sacrifices I made for you!?! Last year, when Rogers was all over me with their new iPhones and their sexy GSM network and SIM card technology - what did I do? I resigned with you, Telus! Even though you hurt me so bad with your fine print promotions and incoming text message charges, I still stayed with you. Because I thought we had something
special.
But now I see us for what we really care. You never really cared about me at all. I'm going to send Rogers a cheque for twenty bucks in the mail, just to get back at you.
- Also today...in a particularly boring and uneventful implementation walkthrough meeting that if I were a girl (even just for a daaaaay), I might tie my hair into a ponytail from time to time. I mean it's a legitimate possibility as lots of girls wear ponytails from time to time - there would be no reason why I would not as well, if hypothetically, I was a girl. Consequently, I think my biggest gripe about being a girl would be dealing with that slack in your hair at the back of your head that sits before the ponytail. It would just incessantly bother me that I would never be able to completely eliminate it, and I feel that I would be constantly readjusting and trying to tighten up my ponytail, always worrying that some cute guy I liked would see this and find it to be an undesirable and unattractive trait. And then I would develop an eating disorder, and change my Facebook status to some faux poignant bullshit like "...is wondering why life has made me so numb", artificially inflating the level of attention paid to me in my social circle for no discernible or logical reason other than the fact that it makes me feel better about myself, and then lash out on my unattractive male friends by emotionally torturing them, dropping false hints that I might be flirting with them.
Wow, something's wrong with my brain. I don't think I can turn it off now.
Now it is time for
Connect Four. The UH!'s are fantastic.
TONY!
Big Al
Great Music From 2008Three Seconds Of Dead Air - The Twilight Sad
This year's awards brought to you by my favourite new band of 2007.
With February approaching and having finally wrapped up my graduate studies applications, I figure now is as a good a time as any to finally post my 2nd Annual Year End music post. Though it's more of a Year Beginning post now, isn't it? Semantics. As with last year, this year's list is done in
Highlander style, meaning that no artist gets more than one song. Otherwise, this whole list would be a bunch of
Lil Wayne and
Wolf Parade songs. As it stands, this is by no means a definitive list of the best songs of 2008, just twenty good songs that belong on any playlist. As long as you care about looking cool, that is.
Songs that just missed the cut:
The Hunter's Star -
ShearwaterSex On Fire -
Kings Of LeonTouch My Body -
Mariah CareyDLZ -
TV On The RadioBest song that I should have listened to last year: A three-way tie!
See You Again by
Miley Cyrus,
The Pilgriming Vine by
Basia Bulat, and a cover of
Jojo's
Too Little, Too Late by
Grizzly Bear's Daniel Rossen.
Best song that should really be been in anybody's top 20:
Jizz In My Pants by
The Lonely Island. I just couldn't pull the trigger on this one.
Best CD that I should have listened to last year:
Random Spirit Lover by
Sunset Rubdown. It actually feels like I did listen to this CD last year because I got around to it in January or February. Nevertheless, I can't gush over this album enough and it would have been all over my 2007 year end list if I had listened to it when it came out.
Best rip-off of
Rihanna's
Pon de Replay:
Bounce With Me by
Kreesha Turner. Seriously, what the fuck?
Best critically acclaimed album that went over my head:
No Age by
Nouns. There's only so much random shit one man can take.
And now, without further ado, twenty of my favourite songs in '08 (mostly in order of preference):
20. Heartless - Kanye WestFrom
808s & HeartbreakHow could you be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know.
How you feel about the new Kanye West CD is dependent on several factors:
1) Are you sick of this guy yet?
Kanye and I actually experienced a brief break-up after Graduation. By the time that album came out, it felt like he was just trying to finish this trilogy that he'd started and he was running out of ideas. Kind of like my own senior year of university.
2) Does it matter to you that one of the world's most successful rappers has decided to do a CD with almost no rapping on it?
Hell no! As a producer-rapper, Kanye's songs have always been more about ideas and composition than his ability to spit. When I heard he would primarily be singing on the new album, I was amused. Had the guy lost his mind or had he finally found his true voice?
3) How much Auto-Tune can you stand?
Well, he certainly didn't find his true voice because the tracks are laced with Auto-Tune. Making yourself sound like a robot is apparently all the rage in hip-hop and R&B these days. In my opinion, Auto-Tune should be viewed as just another instrument, another element that he puts into his music. Hip-hop music production is all beats and loops anyway and it isn't like he uses it for no reason. The mechanical voice suits the songs on the CD. Kanye doesn't aspire to make hip-hop for the 21st century, he's already looking towards the 22nd. He does not entirely succeed, but even when he crashes and burns on tracks like Robocop, it's a thing of beauty.
Which brings me to Heartless. The only song on the CD that he actually raps on and not coincidentally, it's the best one. What was I talking about again?
19. Feel The Love - Cut CopyFrom
In Ghost ColoursMe and you
over something to do
could this be true
it all comes down to you
You know what I hate about this song? It starts so abruptly. I mean, it literally sounds like a production error. I can only imagine the horror of the band felt after listening to the release version. "Uh, what happened to the first five seconds of track 1?"
Of course, I kid. If anything, this unorthodox opening to this song is further evidence that I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to electronic music. In Ghost Colours is one of those unfortunate albums that someone like me must listen to in its entirety everytime otherwise the effect of it is completely lost. It is a seamless, enchanting production. Feel The Love seems like the least complicated, most radio-friendly song on this album and for a philistine such as myself, that works out fine.
18. Drop It Doe Eyes - Los Campesinos!From
Hold On Now, Youngster...Deer die with their eyes wide open, eyes wide open, eyes wide open
Deer die with their eyes wide open
First, a word from Gareth:
This is a song about a long-distance relationship which I had, and the negative feelings that began to come as the relationship reached its close, as nothing seems to be good enough for each other and the end is clearly in sight. When the happy anticipation of seeing my then girlfriend had been replaced by the fear of a difficult weekend. The night previous to one such visit I had a dream that I was a deer. The next day, en route to her house, I saw a dead deer in the side of the road. Pretty deep, huh?
I love that.
Upon first listen, I described Los Campesinos! as Broken Social Scene but with three less guitars. That was clearly a superficial description as their style is certainly their own and they have this careless, effortless energy that makes them unique. I wish more people knew about this band, because maybe they'd realize that punk isn't dead. It's just got a nicer disposition.
17. In A Cave - Tokyo Police ClubFrom
Elephant ShellAll my hair grows in
wrinkles leave my skin
but still don't fade
I'll be back again when the tide is in some day
One of the most hotly anticipated albums of the year, Elephant Shell was not the quantum leap forward that was expected from a band that had all but achieved indie immortality after only a couple of EPs. I exaggerate, but with A Lesson In Crime remaining vital long after it's release over two years ago, a lot was expected of these humble boys from Newmarket. What they released wasn't revolutionary, but it is a pretty damn good first album. I don't think there's a clunker in the bunch, but at the same time, none of the tracks offer more than hints of what this band is capable of. I found In A Cave to be the catchiest, most complete track and a perfect example of how the band effortlessly weaves familiar tales of youthful misadventure into a surprisingly fresh package.
Short story: Having these guys go on before Angels And Airwaves at the Weezer concert we went to this year was a huge, though understandable mistake. I think that Tokyo Police Club killed with their set and when Angels And Airwaves came on after, they had no chance of matching that energy with their snoozy tunes. One day, when these guys are headlining the Air Canada Centre, everyone will understand.
16. Big Jumps - Emiliana TorriniFrom
Me And ArminiBrick-brack, if you don't wind me up
the sky will lie upon me like a passed out drunk
This is one of those songs which may be benefiting from a positive association. You may not know this about me, but I dread checking my e-mail. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, obviously I'm prone to reclusive behaviour. That is not news. However, how much anxiety can be caused one's inbox? At most, I have to sort through a couple of e-mails suggesting get-togethers that I want no part of or offensive YouTube comments that have been posted on videos that I've uploaded. Other than that, it's not all that bad.
Every now and then people send me nice things and one day Shirley sent me a link to this song. It is a nice thing. There is great pop music out there, you just have to take a little time to look for it.
Also, Gary seemed to enjoy this song when we were listening to it in my van and that guy is nearly impossible to please.
15. Dangerous - Kardinal Offishall ft. AkonFrom
Not 4 SaleShe give a new definition to the word curve,
got chicks in the strip club envyin' her.
Body's like weapons of mass eruptions.
Sit her glass on that fat obstruction.
This collaboration between Kardinal and Akon rubs me the right way. The verses are short, the rhyme scheme basic and the hook is insidious. Akon has a gift for never seeming out of place on a track despite having such a distinct style. That is to say, his presence is rarely forced and always welcome. This yielded Kardinal his first top five single in the U.S. (not a small feat for a Canadian hip-hop artist not named Snow) and it was well deserved. Too often we see an R&B artist tacked onto a song to guarantee sales, but in this case that element is essential to not only creating a hit record, but a song that feels like a hit record. This was the song of the summer for me.
14. Violet Hill - ColdplayFrom
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His FriendsI took my love down to Violet Hill.
There we sat in the snow.
All that time she was silent still,
so if you love me won't you let me know?
After the disastrous XY, my anticipation for a new Coldplay release was, at best, non-existent. It had become disturbingly clear that the band was in a rut and it would require either a major makeover or a major personal tragedy for them to remain relevant. Thankfully, the band hooked up with producer Brian Eno (who you may know from...a shit-ton of projects) and Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends was one of the year's most pleasant surprises.
I still think the whole album, while solid, sounds like a band trying way too hard to change their image. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but you have to accept that the results will be mixed. Perhaps this is why I liked Violet Hill so much despite all the praise being lavished upon the album's second single, Viva La Vida. While the latter is a pleasant, albeit derivative tune possessing a lovely orchestral quality that I enjoy in so much of my pretentious music, Violet Hill seems to express itself more naturally. I love how the band reaches into its bag of tricks sparingly. Chris Martin uses his falsetto effectively and the guitar solo sounds like it was inspired by a bad dream. Apparently, this was one of the earliest tracks they were working on and they almost discarded it, but as it stands it perfectly meshes their heavier style with those old Coldplay sensibilities.
13. Stay Positive - The Hold SteadyFrom
Stay Positive'Cause the kids at the shows
they'll have kids of their own
and the sing-a-long songs will be our scriptures
Frontman Craig Finn has been blessed with the gift of aging gracefully while still holding on to that youthful angst from which many great songs are born. On the title track of the outstanding Stay Positive, Finn talks about the overwhelming comfort that is provided to him by the next generation. All we seem to see in the news these days are stories about young people screwing up and doing awful things to each other and because of that there is a large section of society that thinks the future lies in shaky hands. The Hold Steady are here to tell you the truth: Kids these days are truly, deeply fucked up, but they'll figure it all out some day. Have no fear.
12. Pork And Beans - WeezerFrom
WeezerI ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like!
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside!
This album is total shit, but you knew that already.
From what I've read, and I could be wrong about this, Rivers Cuomo is at his best when he's not trying too hard. On last year's uneven, but irresistible Alone: The Home Recordings Of Rivers Cuomo, Rivers explains that he experienced great difficulty when working on the original Weezer album and wrote a throwaway song called Chess. He felt better after and it is one of the best tracks on Alone. Fast forward to 2008. After listening to the new CD, the record label apparently requested that Rivers write a song that would be suited to radio-play and thus, Pork And Beans was born. Guess what? It's the best track on the new Weezer album and one of my favourite songs of the year. When you are as gifted as Rivers, you can crank out songs like this anytime you want. Even the bridge is a big F U to the execs and critics and to anyone else who thinks he owes them any more than he chooses to give. I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care! And why should he?
Despite all of my criticims regarding Weezer this year, you know I still have nothing but love for them. One thing that I respect about Rivers is that he truly does not give a fuck. Even his blatant selling out seems like he's being true to himself if that's even possible. He is a happy man these days and has a family to consider so he's making that money and writing music that fits his station in life right now. He said, Hey, I'm going to put together an album that name checks Abba and Devo for no good reason, includes tracks written by my bandmates that don't have any business being there and that in the end will have absolutely no soul or personality. And he did and it was freakin' terrible, but I firmly believe that he released what he wanted to release. I have to respect that. I also believe that somewhere down the road, the greatest band in the world and I are going to fully reconcile and it will be glorious.
11. Foxes Mate For Life - Born RuffiansFrom
Red, Yellow And BlueAnd I know
foxes mate
for life because
they're in love
There are so many catchy tunes on Red, Yellow And Blue that it is nearly impossible to pick just one. While it was tough to argue with the sweeping charm of Little Garçon and the infectious Badonkadonkey, it became evident that Foxes Mate For Life was the track I kept coming back to. I have no idea if there is any truth the title, but it makes for a sweet image doesn't it?
10. Kissing The Beehive - Wolf ParadeFrom
At Mount ZoomerI wish I could believe in who you are.
You held your cap in the air and you called it a guitar.
You put your face on the glass and you called it good cinema, oh...
As if you didn't know that it would sting!
This is my favourite album of the year, but you knew that already.
This band owns my life. I mean that. I'm not sure I can judge there music objectively anymore, because every song they write affects me so deeply that I am incapable of rational evaluation. There comes a point where a band is your favourite band and they can literally do no wrong. It's a tough place to be for an aspiring music critic.
I'm not even sure if Kissing The Beehive is the best track from At Mount Zoomer, but it's the longest so it has to be the best, right? In all seriousness, this song represents everything that is good about this band:
*Dan Boeckner's wailing on his guitar and in his larger than life vocals.
*Spencer Krug's menacing synth compositions and a delivery that sounds like the mourning of a young god.
*Lyrics that question everything, offering no easy answers.
The song ends with a four-minute long instrumental bit, all but announcing We're the greatest band in the fucking world. This is one of the shortest ten minute songs you'll ever listen to, believe me.
9. Wrestlers - Hot ChipFrom
Made In The DarkNow what you gonna do when I come for you with all that I've got?
I've got a roll of coins, I'm aiming for your loins and I will never stop.
The kind of song that I wish I could write. Apparently, the whole concept stems from the lead singer's reluctance to share his guitarist with another group. All you need to know is that this song will get into your skin like a chigger. On the surface, this song is a super smooth track laced with nonsense lyrics. Look past that layer and...well...I'm not sure there is anything more than that.
I do have to give credit to Max for introducing this song to me. Much like when he queued up Wolf Like Me for the first time, after one listen I was like, I want to buy that now.
8. American Boy - Estelle ft. Kanye WestFrom
ShineTake me on a trip, I'd like to go some day
Take me to New York, I'd love to see LA
I really want to
come kick it with you
you'll be my American Boy
I was shocked to discover that this song was not produced by Kanye, but rather Will.I.Am. I had a whole Kanye rant to go here, now I don't know what to do. Okay, I suppose I should give Will.I.Am some credit. As much as I hate the Black Eyed Peas, this man can produce a hit and American Boy is no exception. Estelle and Kanye team up to give us an old-fashioned diddy about meeting a handsome stranger and getting away from it all.
Possessing possibly the best hook of the year, if you listen to this song and don't immediately begin shaking your groove thang, you are quite possibly deceased. I mean it. Not enjoying this song makes you the equivalent of the living dead to me and you know how I feel about that. Your decapitation is imminent.
7. Undeclared - The DodosFrom
VisiterYou let me stay here for a week
on your couch but I would rather sleep
in your bed or even better yet
we could run away and never rest
It is almost insulting that out of all the great songs on this CD, I am picking the one that probably took about six minutes to write and record. Is it possible for a track to be considered a stand-out when it is its total lack of frills that make it stand out? Allow me to elaborate. Visiter is a lush, wonderful album. From the triumphant opening track Walking to the tribal beat of Red And Purple, from the hectic Jodi to the delightfully lethargic Park Song, Meric Long and percussionist Logan Kroeber never seem to run out of good good tunes. Everything seems so stripped down, yet so full (another of the album's contradictions). To call this a light, conceptual album takes away from the precision with which these songs have been crafted and recorded.
Undeclared is the song most likely to end up in an episode of Grey's Anatomy or as part of some sappy montage in a Hollywood romantic comedy. Armed with nothing more than his guitar and what sounds like a metronome, Long goes on to tell the timeless tale of obsession and all of the stupid thoughts that come with it. These aren't lyrics to be proud of. They're revealing, embarrassing and even invasive as Long has the temerity to not only write the female counter-perspective, but to sing the part! Oy. With that said, the song is completely engrossing and I will now listen to it for the millionth time.
6. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - BeyoncéFrom
I Am...Sasha FierceI need no permission, did I mention
"Don't pay him any attention"?
'Cause you had your turn, but now you gon' learn what it really feels like to miss me.
With each passing year I find myself becoming more and more detached from mainstream music. Has the quality of music on the radio become that bad? Surely, this cannot be. Were our Creeds and Mases and Spice Girls' truly that much more compelling than the Good Charlottes and Hilary Duffs of today? One's head could explode contemplating this question. Thankfully, every now and then a song like Single Ladies comes along and renders the whole thing moot. Brought to you by upcoming hitmaker Christopher "Tricky" Stewart (also responsible for minor, indie hit Umbrella), Single Ladies is a sinister collection of hand claps, synth effects and a hook that is going to either invigorate or annoy the fucking shit out of you. This is one of those songs that is so primitively effective that it makes you wonder why more people can't do this.
Beyoncé deserves a lot of credit for selling the whole concept of course. Even putting aside the retina scorching video, Mrs. Carter always finds a way to utter the most ridiculous lines (see also: If I Were A Boy) with absolute conviction and somehow come off as genuine. That's exactly the kind of skill that you can't teach and what I think separates her from someone like Rihanna (who, while entertaining, comes off with less personality than Vanilla Ice). Bonus points for the always entertaining "creation of a new persona to express alternative ideas/sell records" (Chris Gaines, where you at?) and the fact that Beyoncé got married last year. He did put a ring on it!
5. Lollipop - Lil Wayne ft. Static MajorFrom
Tha Carter IIICall me so I can make it juicy for ya
Call me so I can get it juicy for ya
Michelle always accuses me of being a contrarian. She insists that the majority of my opinions are a product of my wanting to be different from or independent of the majority. I suppose there is some truth in that, but I like to believe that my thoughts are my own and I can assure you that I do everything in my power to avoid reading too much about anything before I get a chance to appraise it myself. I'm telling you this because I hope that it wasn't just hype that was keeping me from listening to Tha Carter III. Surely, I must have had reasons more substantial than that.
I was definitely justified in avoiding the lead single, Lollipop. The man has written entire rap about how badly women want to suck his dick for chrissakes. Where does it end? I heard the song once and dismissed it as yet another example of how trite and awful hip-hop has become. The beat was kind of good and Lil Wayne's delivery was certainly worthy of attention, but I refused to embrace the track. Unfortunately, this was arguably the most popular song of the year and inevitably, it got to me. To say I was defeated would be a misnomer; I had merely been enlightened in the ways of Lil Weezy.
The same things that repelled me at first are what I find so attractive about this album. Lil Wayne is not a genius by any stretch of the imagination. The man's writing style would be best described as meandering, but what wonderful places we find ourselves in when we listen to this maniac at work. Regarding the album in general, Lil Wayne continues in the tradition of cool cats everywhere by showing that the best way to represent is to truly not give a shit about anything (see also: Cuomo, Rivers). The only thing worse than the metaphors and allusions on this CD are how badly the listener is bludgeoned with them. Lil Wayne is the kind of guy who drops a vicious fart and then proceeds to fan it towards everyone else, proudly barking I did it, I did it! The scary thing is that this guy is as charming as hell and for every bad line he writes, he produces at least twice as many exhilarating moments. Eventually, his corny material becomes more than transitional and even becomes, for lack of a better term, endearing.
Returning to Lollipop: The sheer joy of this song is intoxicating. What I once found sinister I now see as an MC at the top of his game facing sky high expectations going into the production of Tha Carter III and deciding to have fun with the whole thing. Is this song vulgar? Yeah. Is it pointless? Yeah. Is it a work of blinding brilliance? Kind of, yeah. And every radio station knew they had to play it or else. Rather than resort to a simple verse-hook formula, this is the club banger that feels like a dozen different concepts strapped together. It speeds up, it slows down, it rolls hard, it cracks wise and even after being forced to listen to it a hundred times, it still surprises. Resistance is seriously futile.
4. I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For CutieFrom
Narrow StairsYou reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you let me down so easily
so easily...
In a year in which I criticized Rivers of self-indulgence for writing The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Hymn), I have the audacity to pick this as one of my favourite songs of 2008. Go figure. Maybe it's because Ben Gibbard didn't lose his fucking mind and turn the song into a 10th grade poem in the middle of it. Maybe it's just me.
Look, you either love or hate the four and a half minute instrumental opening to this song and I lean towards loving it. I feel it creates a beautiful lead-in to the meat of the song and elevates this beyond your usual pop single. The bass line is pleasant enough and I enjoy all the elements that are added to it, like the soaring strings and faint "la la las". It is fair to say that the band is blatantly trying to appeal to their older fans by returning to a more experimental style (though it's a safe experiment) while keeping things punchy and radio-friendly with their post-Transatlantacism, fan friendly verses that began with Plans. The funny thing is, they may have ended up alienating both camps. For me, this is simply one of the best songs of the year and somewhere in this 8+ minutes long non-epic, is the story of a guy who loves a girl and knows that they would be good together. It is for those of us who live in our own little movies, where unrequited love is a fact of life and stalking a person is not only perfectly acceptable, but charming.
3. M79 - Vampire WeekendFrom
Vampire WeekendNo excuse to be so callous
Dress yourself in bleeding madras
Charm your way across the Khyber Pass
Vampire Weekend has to be the most loved/hated young band out of New York since The Strokes. A bunch of hipsters enrolled at Columbia University, these guys are cooler and more talented than you and there's nothing you can do about it. Damn them. Nowhere is this more evident than on M79, a violin-driven pop diddy that may or may not be about a failed relationship with a Middle Eastern woman. If that is the case, then we can all move on from our fixation with half-Japanese girls (oh Lauren Fujioka, how you haunt me) and embrace these mysterious women and the hopes and fears they provide. Perhaps they will replace Asian women as the femme du jour pour l'homme blanc within the next few years. I digress.
This otherwise cheery album came out in the early winter doldrums of 2008 and immediately I was confused as to how to review it. Winter is a time for me to be depressed, but listening to Vampire Weekend made me feel...happy? Eventually spring and summer rolled around and these songs continued to resonate with me. Admittedly, I would have enjoyed this album even more if it had come out when I was still in school as some of the music perfectly captures that feeling of numbness that washes over you whilst navigating the University of Toronto campus. But in another sense, I'm glad that this album escapes association for me. It exists almost in a void and what a kickass void that is.
2. Will It Grow - Jakob DylanFrom
Seeing ThingsI made a promise to not let go.
Our tug of war has only made me want you more.
In another world Jakob Dylan is Jakob Jones. Jakob Jones is not the son of the most famous songwriter of all time and he has never heard of, much less fronted a band called The Wallflowers. Jakob Jones lives in a cabin in the woods spending his time whittling and writing folk-pop gems. His songs are not heard by many, but those who catch his performances at the nearby inn say that he's got a great singing voice and his songs ain't too bad for a pretty boy.
In this world, Jakob Dylan is Bob's kid and every thing he does is going to be compared to his father no matter what people say. At the same time, I'm happy that Jakob was born into the situation he was because otherwise we might never have been treated to those hits he wrote with The Wallflowers and this solo project would definitely never have seen the light of day. Not for a lack of talent, just connections. Seeing Things is not an amazing album by any stretch of the imagination, but it reminds me of Eddie Vedder's solo album from last year in that it feels deeply personal and is so singular in its approach that you cannot help but admire it. There is a high chance of experiencing "same song-itis" when listening to these tracks, but for a folknut like myself, there is a lot to like.
Will It Grow contrasts the struggles of maintaining a relationship with the hellish existence of life on the prairies. Regret, loneliness, alienation, boredom, catharsis...all the good stuff. The chorus maintains the metaphor beautifully, with Dylan cursing himself and his situation while wondering if all the hard work he's done means a damn thing in the end. The constant need for rewards and affirmation in the face of crushing self-doubt...a theme we can all relate to unfortunately.
1. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet FoxesFrom
Fleet FoxesI was following the pack all swallowed in their coats
with scarves of red tied ’round their throats
to keep their little heads
from fallin’ in the snow
and I turned ’round and there you go
and, Michael, you would fall
and turn the white snow red as strawberries in the summertime
Ladies and gentlemen, the best Beach Boys song never written. If you've heard the song, you know that it is futile to attempt to explain its appeal. So I won't.
Ever since I was a child, I've hated winter. Aside from the obvious inconveniences, there are several traumatic episodes that stand out in my mind. I recall playing in front of my house in Avon with some of the neighbourhood kids. One of them smacked me right in the face with an icy snowball. I burst into tears. Some years later, at William Berczy, Mark Thompson is stuffing my face into the snow and cussing me out for one reason or another. I couldn't breathe and I thought I was going to die that day. Fast forward to early 2008. I'm working at a bank, staring out the window and watching the sheets of snow fall off the roof. It takes forever to hit the ground. I so hate the winter and I don't have many nice things to say about it.
At least now I have White Winter Hymnal. I close my eyes and I find myself living out memories that couldn't possibly be mine. I'm frollicking in a forest, up in the mountains. I relish the absence of grownups. I'm falling slightly behind the other kids, like in all my dreams. Before I know it, I'm lost and have to make the long trek back all by myself. I wish you could be there with me now.
I-I can't believe we're even having this discussion.
Hey! You brought it up.
No! No no--you brought it up.
What? You seem...?
What? What do I seem...?
You seem like such a smart girl.
You're pushing.
I'm baffled.
Maybe if...maybe...just explain it again.
Ok. Ya with me?
I'm with you.
Televisions are square. The screen is square.
Right.
Movies, for the most part, are shaped like rectangles. Long rectangles. So if you show a movie on tv without letterboxing it, you...you're missing half the movie.
How?
How? How???! Ok. Here's a rectangle. You draw a square on it. What's this left over stuff on this side? It's more movie! That's what!
Yeah, but, who cares? You can still see what's happening.
"You can still see what's happening?" What's happening is...is...is...talented directors from all over the world are being gang raped by John Q. Public.
But I don't like those black bars on the top and bottom...
You don't like the...does the rest of the room around your TV bug you? How 'bout the cable box on top of it? No. You tune it out.
Gold, do you know how much my tv cost? Do you?
A million dollars.
Yes. It did. It cost a million dollars. And you know what? When I turn it on, I want the whole entire screen filled with those flying color teenies. Not the middle third...the-whole-thing.
"I want"...I...get me out of this van...this is so depressin'.
Yeah, well, sucks to be you.
"Fill up the screen."
You done?
Choking Yak
I would like to sincerely thank all of you who opted not to break into my empty house while I was away on vacation. Seriously, last night I was really expecting to walk into my room and just find a big pile of human (or animal) excrement, right in the center of my bed. So really, thanks to all of you who
could have broken into my house and took a shit on my bed...but did not. It touched my heart. Aso, thank everyone for their very kind Christmas gifts. I managed to give each of you a much shittier gift than the one you each gave me, so that means I win.
In Hong Kong, I saw this middle-aged man on the subway rocking a white leopard print fur vest, and a girl walking around on the street with a WE FUCK THE FAKESHIT hat (
example), which I found endless amusement in. These were the top highlights of my trip.
The low points were that I managed to break both my No-Sick Streak (October '04, bronchitis) and my No-Vomit Streak (November '01, stomach flu) in the same day. I always thought I would have broken the latter with heavy drinking, but I guess I just never went at the bottle hard enough. I worry now that the gateway to an irresponsible and excessively unhealthy lifestyle has been opened for me, now that I have no streaks left to protect...aside from my Being Alive Streak (August '84, being born). And even that one's come close to being broken too many times to count.
Also...I am half convinced that while I was away from the office, someone came in and switched my box of Kleenex with a another box of thinner, crappier Kleenex. I always get triple ply...this box is not triple ply. Thus I am forced to come to the only possible logicial conclusion - that I am the target of some henious conspiracy, an organized assualt upon my fragile mental sanity. To what end I have not figured out yet, but I suspect it may involve my desk, which is pretty prime office real estate for someone that isn't a senior manager.
My chair was also missing when I got in yesterday morning too, which lends credibility to the conspiracy theory. I suspect one of the new co-opt students took it. This will not be an enjoyable work term for either of them now.
Some quick links to wrap it up...
- I found this cool beer on the internet, and I have no idea if it's any good or how it tastes or whatever - I just know that
Batemans Dark Lord is a pretty fucking awesome name for a beer. I have this dream now, to walk into a bar and proclaim like "Barkeep - fetch me a pint of DARK LORD!" This could taste like rotten black liquorice and I would still drink it all the time, just because I would enjoy ordering it so much.
- Apparently Barack Obama appears in an upcoming issue of The Amazing Spider-Man and
gives Spidey daps? And to think, I dropped this book only a few months ago because I thought the three-a-month publishing schedule would water it down creatively and the musical chairs they're playing with so many various creative teams would make the book dumb. Well who's dumb now? That's right, I am.
- I dare you not to laugh. Seriously, if you do not laugh at all at this one, you win, and you are better than me. Motivation enough? Okay, steel yourself...take a deep breath, put on your serious face, grit your teeth...and
click. HIS FACE!!! I can't help it, it's too good. And since the new American President's black, it's okay to laugh at this stuff now. Wait, no, that's not true, I apologize.
...it was always okay.
- I thought the quotes from this
article about Eddy Curry's gay sex scandal were superb and hilarious. I will let you peruse them at your own leisure, and in the meanwhile, I will post these two completely unrelated images of
a scene from a random basketball game and
a scene from a random movie. Individually, each picture only offers mild amusement, but for some reason...when combined together and viewed sequentially, the amusement level rises considerably.
Come and touch it, Dave.
Choking Yak
I went out drinking last night with my brother, along this stretch of bars somewhere in Central where apparently all the expatriates (read:
white people) hang out in Hong Kong. He knows all this stuff because he had a work term in Hong Kong last summer, but it was all new for me, and I have to say it was a little weird too see such a densely populated patch of land where so many people were afflicted with Yellow Fever. This is also something that got progressively more and more irritating as I became less and less sober.
(Quick tangent, for random hilarity -
this American hero modded Left 4 Dead such that all the zombies sound like Macho Man Randy Savage. It's brilliant because not only does it rate highly on the awesomeness scale, it also succeeds in maintaining a surprisingly high rating on the scariness scale. I don't know whether or laugh or to cry - truly, the mark of greatness.)
I am not ashamed to admit that I was outdrank by my younger brother; I suspect that I am far from the first to be bested by his mettle. Although I will say that he does a much poorer job of controlling the volume of his voice when drinking than I do.
I've been keeping a small notepad the whole trip, just to make quick notes of where we've been and what sorts of nonsense I've bought (a fairly disappointing list so far, unfortunately), and I think it should be accepted as a standard practice for whenever you go drinking.
Looking at it now...apparently I was just writing down the name of each bar we went to, and the approximate time whenever we hopped. But by the third entry I can no longer recognize it as my handwriting.
I was also writing down tidbits of whatever we were talking about were really hilarious, and the first few are pretty legible (they're all just about white people being fags). But there's this one weird entry at the end of the page that reads "
dog attack w/ more than 2 red articles of clothing" and I have no idea what the fuck it means.
Which is a bit surprising, because I don't think we were even entirely all that drunk - it's hard to kill that many brain cells just by pints of beer alone without hard liquor - but all the same...I hope we didn't hit anyone on the way home.
(It would have been pretty hard - we took the subway.)
In honour of our night, I will now present you with the trailer for
Stuff White People Like: The Movie.
"Don't step on any toes."
"I don't step on toes. I step on necks."