Whew, that was a long week. Up until today, the highlight of my week was probably being offered a trade of Mark Teixeira for Ted Lilly by the cyber Texas Rangers GM, in MVP Baseball. ...but I don't know if that's saying a lot, because that's a pretty sweet trade.

But then today rolled around, I watched Wedding Crashers with Jess, and things aren't looking too bad anymore. I still got a civic holiday the day after tomorrow (which also happens to shorten my last week at work), I don't have anything school stuff due until next week, and I got a Jays game to look forward to next weekend. I even managed to fix that annoying issue with the bullet and the post body showing up on different lines.

Yup, everything's looking sunny and clear in Yakville.

...I think that's the equilvalent of saying "nothing can possibly go wrong" or "well at least it can't get any worse" in a movie. Ah well.

I think I'm going to burn a new cruisin' CD sometime this weekend. So far I have...

1) Beck - Loser

...and that's about it so far.

Awesome.

Todd, the painting was a gift, and I'm keeping it.

7/31/2005 02:45:00 AM | Comments (0)

Minor Collision

Take, Take, Take - The White Stripes

I had a fun, albeit slightly awkward day yesterday. Annia met Angel. They got along well enough, but I still felt uncomfortable. Ever since I was a little kid I hated having to hang out with more than one friend. I used to have a friend named Billy and another one named, um, Tim I think. I don't remember. It was hard to entertain both of them at the same time, so even though we all lived on the same street I made a point never to have them both over. By the way, I think I was six years old at the time.

As far as I can remember, it was also the first time that Annia heard me play guitar. I really sucked. I couldn't remember the words to Vindicated! Vindicated for Chrissakes! I was so embarrassed. I tried to play some other stuff, but after that I was a wreck for the rest of the day.

Actually, I'm just posting because I want you guys to see this website. I've got your birthday presents covered for the next few years. I haven't figured out who gets who yet, but one of you will definitely be hearing the sweet, gravelly voice of Tony Todd, the guy who gets impaled by a rocket in The Rock. You're welcome. As for me, feel free to hook me up with Mr. Belding, professional wrestler Raven, or Lazer.

*****

M-my neck...It sounds...like whistling...Worthy of...the Shogun's executioner...My blood spurts forth...The diagonal cut across my neck...keens like the wind in bare trees...They call it...Mogari-Bue...Flute of the Fallen Tiger...I always dreamed of making a cut that would sing...And now...I hear my own...such irony...

7/29/2005 12:31:00 AM | Comments (0)

Choking Yak's Provoking Facts

- That still is possibly the gayest title of all time. These aren't facts. The rhyming is like Avril-level quality. And is anyone honestly provoked by these type of posts? It just makes no sense. ...and goddamn, I love it.

- I saw two pigeons out in the middle of the parking lot when I got out of my car yesterday at school. Thing is...I park underground. Now during the summer, I usually find a spot on P2 - meaning these pigeons were two entire levels and maybe 20-30 feet underground. And this bothered me. It disturbed me. Because I can think of no reason why these pigeons would be there. It's dark and barren. There's absolutely no prospects of food or anything pigeon-friendly in a parking lot. What would have possibly compelled them to fly into the dark mouth of the underground parking lot and fly down two levels through a dark and winding ramp? I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just can't understand it. But when the regular school year rolls around and I'm bumped back down to P3 or P4 - when I see a pair of bird skeletons huddled in the corner, I won't need to wonder about that, at least.

- Everyday to work, I drive at more than double the speed limit. *audience gasps* See, the parking garage at work has a maximum speed limit of 10 km/h - and I'm going like twenty, MINIMUM. *ba-dum-dum-kish!* Mackey on drums, everybody. Great stuff. Class act.

- Man, this story just has everything going for it. "A scorned queen can get herself hurt"? Do people actually say stuff like that?

- I had like two other facts of provocation, but I can't seem to remember them right now.

...

Man, this post sucks.

I'll just throw some YTMND's at you and hope they distract long enough for me to make my gettaway.

Hiyah!

Ninja vanish!

7/28/2005 07:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

Linkachu, I choose you!

- A Flash tribute to Raiden - it's a shooter, go play. If you use the red spread shot with the homing missles, you are no longer allowed to look me in the eye. Be a man and use blue lasers with straight missles.

- British scientists have achived a scientific breakthrough, discovering that treating girls to nice dinners will help woo them. Featuring gems like "If women are not interested they are unlikely to accept the invitation". In other news, the sky is blue. This what "science" is these days? There's more "research" done at any random highschool lunch table than there is in these universities.

- Yeah, I think I need to get around watching this movie sometime.

- Blind Teen Amazes With Video-Game Skills. Space Invaders? What the hell? That's not even possible. I bet the kids he plays against are just sucky. That, or he's the newest member of the Real World Justice League. ...though Daredevil was never in the Justice League. Hurm.

- So DMX has some new tracks coming out. Here We Go Again...in 2025. Hot fiyah so hot this generation can't even handle it. Twenty years - BE READY SON. Yo, check this...

*begin beatbox*
Niggaz wanna try, niggaz wanna lie
Then niggaz wonder why, niggaz wanna die
Keep dat motherfuckin burrito in da motherfuckin fridge
or I kick yo motherfuckin dawg off da motherfuckin bridge
Yeah yeah
Uh uh
bow wow motherFUCKERS

That's how I roll.

- Is this worth spending the next six months sleeping on the couch for? That's a no brainer right there. I love it!

7/27/2005 11:14:00 PM | Comments (0)

Movie And A Dinner

Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac

I went to see Charlie And The Chocolate Factory today with Annia. I highly recommend it, however this should come with the disclaimer that I am totally Tim Burton's bitch. I loved Edward Scissorhands. Beetlejuice scared the crap out of me. I thought his Batman work was aces. Ed Wood: Ed GOOD. (I'm gay) Sleepy Hollow is kickass. Hell, I even liked Planet Of The Apes, which everyone else, except the Toronto Star strangely enough, thought was God-awful. Oh, and Pee-wee's Big Adventure! I had to look that one up, but I watched that, like, twenty times when I was a kid. The only clunkers were Mars Attacks!, which was completely irredeemable and, I hate to say it, Big Fish. Fish was gorgeous, well-acted, but in the end, utterly boring and overly sentimental. Great looking film though. As for Charlie, I can say that the visuals are as good as anything in Sleepy Hollow, Planet and Fish. The acting is great all around and the writing is sharp. I'm amazed that the film is doing so well ($114.1 million after two weeks), as I thought the story was a bit too weird for parents and some of the scenes were too scary for kids. Check it out and you'll see what I mean. Good flick.

Not much else to say about the day except for this exchange:

Me: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to have sex before marriage. But I guess I could and then if I felt bad, I could become one of those born-again virgins.
Her: What?
Me: People do that. Apparently you can have sex before marriage and now people who feel bad about it can repent and go through some procedure with their church and they can officially refer to themselves as virgins again.
Her: I don't believe in that.
Me: Why not?
Her: It's not like they can just sew her back together again.

7/27/2005 12:08:00 AM | Comments (0)

Water Pigs

Tomorrow - Silverchair

24 packs of Nestle Water are on sale for $2.88 at the Food Basics I work at! Who says we don't do ads on this site? Actually, the real reason I'm bringing it up is because these water-buying motherfuckers who come to the store are DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Business has been fantastic since the sale started on Saturday, so I was like, "Oh yeah, this is great!" But I realized something. See, we have a limit of three per family on the water, so you have people constantly trying to get around that rule. Sometimes they'll just go to different registers. Sometimes they'll have two seperate carts. Sometimes, ooooh sometimes, you have these jerks who bring as many as they can fit in a shopping cart and say something like, "Uh, I'm buying this for me and my two neighbours." AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Monday was fucking crazy. I swear it was the same 10 or 20 customers circulating in and out for 6 hours trying to get as much water as they could. This world is going straight to hell...but hey, at least we'll apparently have plenty of water.

*****

Anyone see the movie Finding Forrester? There's this climactic basketball scene in it and it makes no FUCKING sense! If you've seen the movie you'll know what I'm talking about. Or maybe you won't. I've sent in my report to Movie Mistakes. So far, I have received no reply.

*****

Chad Gaudin truly sucks. It's funny, because if you're a backup pitcher in baseball, for those of you who don't know, you're called a "reliever". Well, what's the opposite of that? I had the same thought about the Red Sox bullpen a couple of seasons ago. What do you call a guy who not only provides no physical or mental relief, but actually increases the anxiety that one feels while his team is holding onto a lead. I've thought about this for a long time now and I've got nothing. Nothing.

*****

William, if you haven't seen Wedding Crashers yet, do it. I can honestly say that it is the most fully realized film by the group yet. "The group", of course, referring to Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, Jack Black and Vince Vaughn. Old School was great, but it was clearly only the beginning. Zoolander and Anchorman were amazing, but moreso as collections of skits than actual films. Starsky and Hutch featured some great moments, but was bogged down in its lack of identity (buddy flick or parody of buddy flicks?). Envy I didn't even see. Dodgeball was good, though seeing Vince Vaughn play the altruistic nice guy was unsettling. I may be forgetting something, but regardless, Crashers is real good. It lives up to the extremely high expectations I had going in. From beginning to end, everything clicks...well, the ending is a bit sappy, but other than that it works. I still wouldn't put it up there with the Happy Gilmore's and Tommy Boy's of the world, though seeing as how these films are really the spiritual successor to the SNL flicks, I can't wait to see what they come up with next.

*****

I shouldn't, but I must. Here's a link to the Ice Queen's blog. I'm not sure if anyone else who visits this site will find her attractive, but she's a knockout to me. Her latest profile pic, which I saw for the first time a few days ago, almost gave me a nosebleed. I'm like George in that episode where Jerry is dating the masseuse and George becomes obsessed with her:

(script courtesy of Seinology.com)

George: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?
Jerry: What for?
George: We need to talk.
Jerry: You need to talk?
Jodi: We have nothing to talk about.
George: Look, it's no secret what's going on between us. She doesn't like me. Now Jerry, if you don't mind.
Jerry: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
George: This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her.
Jerry: What?
George: She just dislikes me so much...It's irresistible.
Jerry: I can see that.
Jodi: I'm getting out of here. Don't call me.
Jerry: Don't worry.
George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.

7/26/2005 01:35:00 AM | Comments (0)

As I started growing up, I noticed some of the more adult-themed material being snuck into so-called "children's programming". But I never really expected this vile creep of evil to reach Sesame Street.

I had no idea that the Cookie Monster was really a metaphor for, well, crackhead. And here's the proof, on the Martha Stewart show no less:

Part 1 - Kind of slow until the end, but then the begging begins.
Part 2 - This is quality. Bartering a date with the obviously gay Bert?

I used to think Cookie Monster was just number 2, next to Oscar the motherfuckin' Grouch. Now, I have realized the error of my ways.

What is better than a hobo?

A crack-addicted hobo.

7/26/2005 01:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

Regarding webcomics...

I don't read that many webcomics. At least I don't think I do compared to the average internet-goer these days. And certainly not compared to Jess. But the ones I read are actually good.

'cept for PVP. I absolutely hate it. But I don't know why I keep reading it. I went through the entire archives like two summers ago when I was bored out of my mind...I don't think there's a single chuckle in there at all. It's terrible, and the fact that it was nominated for an Eisner after it got reprinted into comic book form makes me hate it even more. This is textbook player hating right here. I only hate it because it's popular - I'm not kidding anyone here.

I've been reading the webcomic Spamusement! lately...and I think I like it. It has a big The Far Side feel to it, which seems unavoidable because of the single panel deal. But I'd say it's the most like explodingdog because of the single panel and subject line thing, with a hint of Perry Bible Fellowship type humour thrown in - I think it's the facial expressions and the weird twists. You can see some of them coming from a mile away, but they always get me anyway. I think I like this one the best.

(Sine/Cosine!) I didn't need to provide a link to The Far Side did I? There can't possibly be people out there that don't know about it, right? The Far Side is to Get Fuzzy as Green Day is to Simple Plan. ...I think. I don't know, that one might be a bit off, but you get the point. Also, somehow I left out The Far Side when I was making up my top tier list for syndicated newspaper funnies - it goes...

1) Calvin & Hobbes
2) The Far Side
3) Peanuts
4) Sherman's Lagoon
...
Absolute dead fucking last) Family Circus

But honestly speaking, I don't know if The Far Side would have ranked that high if Mr. P didn't have that calendar back in Berczy. And Family Circus might not have ranked that low if it didn't fucking suck so much.

(Continued...) One of my favourite webcomics, and possibly the only good thing to have ever come out of the University of Toronto that I have personally witnessed, is Dinosaur Comics. I love it. But I never read it consistently - I'll forget about it for weeks at a time and then I'll just go on a Dinosaur Comics binge on a random weekend when I should be studying for a test instead. It is also possible that I wouldn't like this comic half as much if it didn't have dinosaurs.

But forget all those - just go to Morning Glory Comics. I don't even know why I bothered with a post - I should have just typed out this one single link. Everything else is irrelevant.

P.S. - WAMBAG approved professional athlete (though I would hesitate to use that term for baseball players) Chad Gaudin came into yesterday's game and immediately gave up two runs, taking the loss. ...should it be "disapproved?" I don't even know the difference these days. His ERA is now at 13.15 - hurray!

7/25/2005 03:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

That's Jazz, Baby

Crucial - k-os

All summers should be like this. It's funny. I used to hate when people would ask me what I was doing during the summer. Of course, my answer would always be "nothing". How was I supposed to explain to people that my day was divided neatly into 12 hours of video games/watching TV/net-porn and 12 hours of sleeping? If my parents dragged me out to go somewhere like Louisiana or Savannah, my answer would become "nothing and a trip". Seeing as how this has been my most active summer ever, you would think my answer would change. But I'm having dinner with Sarah Tulley on Wednesday and she asks me what I'm doing for the summer.

"Aaaahhh...nothing, really."

The difference now is that "nothing" has changed completely. Nothing is going to rock concerts. Nothing is eating out with friends at least once a week. Nothing is watching Batman Begins three times. Nothing is talking to Annia almost every day. Nothing is staying at Max Wong's house for two days with 4 L. of Sunny Delight as your only sustenance. Nothing is laughing at the predicament of not being able to spend time with all the people you love, because you love too many. Nothing is a trip to the beach.

I was always amused when everyone I talked to said they did nothing during their summers, but I realize now that our definitions weren't the same. Most people go on boat cruises or hang out at their cottages every weekend (like Sarah) or find summer projects to occupy themselves that they don't bother to tell other people about. We don't like to make big deals about these things. Apparently, having a life means not having to constantly remind people that you have one. I believe I'm getting there.

One last note about my dinner with Sarah. Some people have your number, you know? They get you every time. It's like the L.A. Lakers and the Sacramento Kings. The Kings were a great team from '00-'03, but they could never beat the Lakers. This doesn't take away from their accomplishments, but the Lakers just had their number. There was nothing they could do. Seeing Sarah at my door was like Shaq opening up the game with a monster jam. Having to sit across from her and talk to her during dinner was like Kobe dissecting the opponent with a streak of drives and jumpers. And the hug at the end, as awkward as it always is with me, was the Horry dagger. You don't see someone for a while and you think you'll be ready the next time, but there I was, off my game the entire night. She got me.

Today I went to see the Beaches Jazz Festival with my English Majors clique. That would be Leanna, who some of you may know as the "bulldyke" in my previous posts. I hesitated to write that, because she was actually cool today. But yeah, that's how you may know her. The others were Rosena, the part-time cartoonist, Arlene, more on her later, her friend Laura, Patrick and two Russian chicks that Patrick brought along just to show what a pimp he was. Whatever, dude.

There was so much to take in. We just walked on the same street for two hours, stopping to listen to a band or enter a store or check out a vender. I hadn't been around this area before, so I was letting everything soak in. A new experience can be like rain on the skin. You let it wash over you. There was a lead guitarist who looked like he was being tortured in the fires of Hades as he broke off some tasty licks. There was a band called the Blackboard Blues Band, of which I immediately remarked, "Teachers". There was a mini-carnival off to the side, which featured one of those inflatable joust arenas. Two kids were on there barely hitting each other. The operators looked like they were convicts doing community service who wanted to MURDER EVERYONE THERE. Nice.

Though I've never been at a Mardi Gras, I would describe the event as Mardi Gras-lite. Or perhaps Mardi Gras North. It was a different part of downtown than I was used to, but the characters were the same. There were the freaks who could never love anyone. There was a dude with a lizard. And the women...wow, the women. I realize that some people (read: women) don't understand the appeal in ogling random women. They don't see the point. As I caught a glance of a gorgeous creature passing by, whose image I have already forgotten, it hit me. When you see a beautiful woman on the subway or on the street or in somesuch place, you're probably not going to see them ever again. This is definitely true in Toronto. So that look, that glance, is the closest you'll ever get. You'll never capture that first look, that first feeling, again. This happened to me at least a dozen times today.

Then again, there is the appeal of the chase, which I also experienced today. Arlene is kind of a hottie. She's got these high cheekbones and a nice, feminine voice. I dig her. So as our group moved, I spent most of the time trying to get myself into position to talk to her. I wasn't bringing the funny though, probably because I have no gauge for her humour yet and I didn't want to come on too strong. But yeah, on more than one occasion I managed to isolate her and engage her in some chit-chat. The only obstacle was her friend Laura, but I managed to, um, not cock block her, I guess that wouldn't make sense...clit block her? The three of us would be walking and I would just shut her out from the conversation. I felt kind of bad about it...but also kind of great.

So for those of you keeping score at home:

OUT: Adriana, the underaged coworker. Especially after last Saturday's phone debacle.

IN: Arlene, the cute friend of a friend. It's on, baby. It's so fucking on.

*****

Baby, that was money! Tell me that wasn't money.
That was so demeaning.
She smiled, baby.
I can't believe what an asshole you are.
Did she, or did she not smile?
She was smiling at what an asshole you are.
She was smiling at how money I am, baby.

7/22/2005 01:04:00 AM | Comments (0)

Re: Fantastic Four...

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best movie of all time and 1 being the worst movie of all time, I thought Jessica Alba was excellent.

Into The Blue, here we come!

And here's a link - Jesus Christ Supercop.

And that's it. Normally I'd bundle all these mini-posts up into one, but I don't really feel like it. Plus, even though I'm providing the usual amount of content, now it looks like there's more, because I'm cutting up my bigger posts into little tiny ones. Tack on some meaningless rambling at the end of each one - like what I'm doing right now - and they start to look like actual posts. Even though anyone can see that they're clearly not.

And after one last empty line and a completely random quote at the end, you won't even notice.

Don't insult me, Murdock. You'll never make me talk.

No. Maybe not, Vorkandac. Maybe not.
But I think I've got a group of business suit ninjas here who can.

Bonzai, mofo.

7/21/2005 05:30:00 PM | Comments (0)

My department manager sent me an email today, with this image attached.



I don't know if this is supposed to motivate me or intimidate me. Maybe a bit of both. It's working.

7/20/2005 09:39:00 AM | Comments (0)

Sweet Zombie Jesus - (direct-to-video) Futurama movie greenlit!

...aaand that's all I got. Oh wait! Got a joke, too.

What did Hitler always hate to find in his treasure chest?

...

Jewels!

(NOW YOU LAUGH)

7/19/2005 01:39:00 AM | Comments (0)

I Awoke Thinking I Was Holding You

Waltz #2 (XO) - Elliott Smith

Today I went down to the beach at Ashbridges Bay to celebrate Michelle's birthday. It was perfect beach weather today. It was all very OC-esque, as many of my get-togethers with this particular group are. The sand was as hot as an oven top, but you got used to it after your nerves burnt out. At first, it was Michelle, her boyfriend Danny, David, Chris and myself. They immediately wanted to play volleyball. Ugh. Eventually I told them to bugger off and I decided to go walk along the shore.

Along the way I called Adriana, because I said I would. I'd talked to her on the phone a couple of other times and the results were about the same. She was abrupt and seemed to have little interest in conversing. I'm going to let myself think that she's just not a phone person. Yeah, not a phone person, that's it.

I also called Annia who, now that I think about it, I haven't seen in a week or so. I call her almost every day, but it's not the same. She's going to Waterloo for the weekend, so I was hoping to catch her before she left. I miss her already.

When everyone else arrived, we chilled on the beach for a bit. This guy brought his dog, a golden retriever named Simba. I'm still afraid of dogs, but I make an effort to confront that fear whenever I can. I usually engage in some light petting and also see how long I can look into the beast's eyes before it decides to maul me. I hate when people say, "My dog likes everybody." This dog barked at me violently a couple of times. ALL dogs are like that. Afterwards, we walked back to the park area for a decent BBQ. I had one beer and I was red as a beet. So embarrassing. On the other hand, it also allowed me to pretend that I was drunk and talk shit to people. I could slap a guy in the face and they'd laugh and think, "This dude is HAMMERED!"

My friend Ping is as cute as hell. Her last boyfriend was a black guy, so I'm not even going to try.

Later, we decided to dive into the waters. As most of you probably know, Ashbridges Bay connects to Lake Ontario, which means that we were likely swimming in some combination of raw fuel and semen. Everyone was gradually wading in, getting their legs wet and all that. I got a good head of steam, burst past everyone and jumped in headfirst. Glorious.

By the way, I should mention that my role in this group is not the shy, quiet guy, as I had assumed I would be. I'm not even the skinniest guy. There are these two other guys named John and Tanh (no idea on the spelling) who are both wimpier and less involved than I. Just thought I'd let you know.

The day was wrapped up with some shirtless, all-dude, homoerotic, Top Gun style beach volleyball. After a couple of games, we played two games with some stakes on the line. One of the wages was that the other team had to do 5 push-ups with a guy from the other team on their back. GAY FACTOR +1!!! Since my team was good and I managed not to embarrass myself, we won every time.

*****

*sigh*

I can't remember the last time I managed to sustain a consistent level of happiness for such a prolonged duration, but I'm oddly depressed because the only thing I can think of is when, and how it's going to end.

*****

I beg you to accept my request...you may wonder what point there is to killing a man who is sentenced to death. My father's soul is already at peace...but no. I want this done at my behest...true, Akaneko was my father's enemy. And yet...trapped in the flames, this was my fate! Do you understand, good sir...? The depth of a woman's hatred?

7/16/2005 12:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

An all-video installment of Links 4 U!!!

- I found this weird video Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki made for their buddy Shawn Bradley when he retired. I couldn't find it anywhere, so I just uploaded the one I had to our server, here. I'll be honest - it's kinda weird. And if you'll laugh (which you probably won't), it'll be because of the "What fuck?" factor. Get it fast, because I don't know how I'll keep it up on the server for. One stupid Nash/Dirk video means one less MBP movie I can fit on there.

- Counter-Struck. Not really that funny, and about four years too late...but it's a video. Meh.

- "YOU GOT THE TOUCH!" I didn't think it was possible, but I'm willing to guess that this cost even less time and effort to make than I've Been Thinking About You. I love the pink lasers that shoot out of his guitar at random intervals. Man, that movie completely messed up the Transformers franchise, but I'll be damned if the first half of it wasn't among the finest cinematography of all time. I wish they would make a live action one, directed by Michael Bay and produced by Steven Spielburg. Oh, if only.

- A Few Good G-Men - "a Half-Life 2 adaptation of a scene from the movie A Few Good Men." That about sums it up.

And in regards to Pure Pwnage - it does start off pretty slow, but there's some good bits every so often. Nothing fall-out-of-your-seat funny, but it makes you appriciate the possibilities of low budget/well executed home movies. But now I need to go around UofT hunting for this guy so I can punch him in the face. All the "like's" are hard to live with. And seriously - who the fuck plays Zero Hour? I could imagine this being a catalyst for us much like the "I am the eater of souls" video was.

We have a saying in my country - "The coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch and dinner."

7/15/2005 11:44:00 AM | Comments (0)

Black Alaskan builds giant mech

Current WAMBAG.COM Arena Fighting Mech Fund: $4,125 (assuming Yak spends $10 for lunch)

If there was ever a worthy cause for the WAMBAG to pool money and invest in something, I believe this would be it.

Some winning quotes:

- "The NMX04-1A Prototype is only going up for sale to boost funding for the next phase of our research and development wherein we will build additional prototypes, possibly for Arena Fighting."

- "Clamp styled hands with optional locks for full on crushing or just gentle clasping as full ram extension."

- " Future Neo-Mecha created by Neogentronyx will be used for everything from fighting forest fires far too hot and unsafe for a human, riot control, construction, maintenance, handling hazardous waste and navigating hostile environments, modern day warfare, to the entertainment industry where Neo-Mecha will do battle in an arena setting with different types of chassis being pitted against one another in combat sparring."

Arena Fighting. That's quality stuff.

So what say you? He's offering advertising space on one of these things too, so we could totally pimp this site and get like a billion-million hits a day, and make money off nefarious pop-up ads of questionable taste!

We need to raise $40K... I can chip in - like - $100. WHO IS WITH ME???

ADDENDUM: Speaking of giant robots, I wonder if this one is for sale too.

7/14/2005 11:26:00 AM | Comments (0)

Here's a random collection of conversations I've had over the last couple of days.

Me: [turning on the radio and catching the words "Halladay" and "x-rays" in the first sentence I hear] "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -"
My brother: "Huh? What happened?"
Me: "- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -"
My brother: "Did he hurt his leg?"
Me: "- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -"
My brother: "Man, that sucks."
Me: "- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

Cousin: "Hey, what time is it?"
Me: "I don't know."
Cousin: "Just check your watch!"
Me: "It doesn't work."
Cousin: "Why haven't you gotten it fixed then?"
Me: "I got it for like five bucks in Hong Kong. I'm not convinced that it ever even worked in the first place."
Cousin: "Then why are you wearing it?"
Me: "I don't know. I guess I just like wearing watches. Besides, you know what they say - 'Even a broken watch is right twice a day.'"
Cousin: "You just don't know when it's right."
Me: "It's like nine thirty - it's right now!"
Cousin: "It's like eleven."
Me: "Seriously? So why'd you ask me for the time then?"
Cousin: "I don't know."

My 7 year-old cousin: "I AM BI!!!"
Me: [spitting out Coke] "GYAH! What!?!"
My 7 year-old cousin: "I...am...bi."
Me: "..."
My 7 year-old cousin: "IAMBI!!!"
Me: "...are you sure?"
My 7 year-old cousin: "I am bi am eeuator!"
Me: "'Ee-u-a-tor...?'"
My 7 year-old cousin: "Hi and bye and see-you-later!"
Me: "Hahaha, ah yes, I get it now. That was a close one!"
My 7 year-old cousin: "What?"
Me: "Hi and bye and see-you-later!"

Later...
My 7 year-old cousin: "Have you seen Raphael's painting, The School of Athens?"
Me: "You know, I don't think I have."
My 7 year-old cousin: "I saw it when I went to the art gallery - I think it's very beautiful."
Me: "...I like...Ninja Turtles...?"

7/12/2005 10:48:00 AM | Comments (0)

Are you guys bored and want to watch something that's retarded (and we all know the answer to that one is "yes")? Then visit Pure Pwnage for dumb, game-related humour in the form of seven tasty episodes. It's a little uneven at times, but surprisingly entertaining for what I imagine a classy site like ours would one day attempt. If we had any sort of work ethic and/or mad micro skills.

"Boom! Headshot!"

7/11/2005 08:19:00 PM | Comments (0)

Creeping Along

Girl - Beck

This Adriana situation is getting ridiculous. I'm such a fool. I got to work at 2:30 today. She didn't start until an hour later. Once the clock hit 3, I was constantly checking the door, waiting for her to show up. It was sick. I felt like my day didn't start until she arrived. It wasn't like I was lacking in company. My friend Carling, who's kind of attractive, was chatting up a storm with me because we don't share as many shifts as we used to. My troubled young padwan (do I have to capitalize that?) Kyle visited me during his break. Things were already cool. But as soon as she showed up, my attention shifted. I couldn't think of anything else besides what I would say to her, how I would say it, how could I make her laugh? We got to sit around at the end of the day waiting for our respective rides again. I'll see her for a couple of hours on Tuesday, but that's not enough for me. I'm hooked.

Before I left, I ask her if she'll be home if I decide to call her on Friday. She says yes. So I've got that going for me.

*****

I had this exchange with my dad as I was filling up the tank after some light driving practice:

Me: Okay, so how much do you want me to fill up?
Dad: About $10. Let's see if you can hit it exactly.
Me: Sure.

So I go up to about 9.91, and then I start to pump the handle. 9.93. 9.95. 9.98. 10.01.

Me: Shit!
Dad: Try 11.

10.93. 10.96. 10.99. 11.02.

Me: Aw, damn it!
Dad: (laughing) Okay, try 12.

Old bastard.

*****

What happened to the old bank? It was beautiful.

People kept robbing it.

Small price to pay for beauty.

7/11/2005 05:42:00 AM | Comments (0)

Chico Malo

Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie & The Blowfish

I come home from work and one of the first things I read is that Roy Halladay has been hit by a line drive. Upon reading, I immediately turn into Dustin Hoffman during the wedding scene in The Graduate (or Mike Meyers in during the wedding scene in Wayne's World 2 if that's easier for some of you). "Oh, Jesus God no..."

*****

Work was a blast this week. Since the new No Frills just opened nearby, our store was fuckin' DEAD. Dead as disco. Dead as Luther Vandross (see you at the crossroads playboy). I thought that this would be a good week for me to rededicate myself to my craft, since I'd been goofing off a lot lately, but boy was I wrong. If anything, I was more unproductive at work than I would have been if I had just stayed at home playing Battlefield 2 all day. Well, almost.

Four days this week I worked with Adriana. Now listen, I'm a strong, mature, responsible adult...but damn it, I'm still just a man. I have man needs. When I last wrote about her, I think it was in an affectionate manner. However, I also tried to establish that any activity with her was merely harmless flirting and that I was finished with my pursuit of her. Again, boy was I wrong.

I don't think any man could resist her mousy looks. Her gawky charm. Her trite pessimism. She appreciates non sequitur humour, which is just...awesome. She has grown on me like a rare infection that you can only get by consuming leaves from a bamboo tree in Malaysia. Maybe it's just me.

Today we killed time joking around about:

* how I chipped my nail (this went on for about 3 hours)
* how we both live in cardboard boxes, going into great detail about what these boxes were like
* a copy of Seventeen magazine with Jessica Alba on the cover

There was some other stuff, I'm sure. We finished early, so she had to call for a ride. I let her use my cell. We sat on the bench outside and chilled out and laughed. Her ride came and she waved at me from the window as she left. I could not get the smile off my face. We work together every Friday, but next week we both have that day off. Come on! Just when I feel I'm starting to have something going here. Then again, maybe this is a sign. Maybe the forces above are telling me that I'm not supposed to go after this one. She's too young. She's a co-worker. She doesn't even like you like that. Aye, the forces above are probably doing me a favour.

Then again.

I may find myself with nothing to do Friday afternoon. I may decide to pick up the phone and dial a number. I may get a response on the other end and then...and then...well, it doesn't matter? You know why?

Because I get to spend all day with her this Sunday anyway. The forces above can suck my Dick Pound.

*****

L-let him go, Monnosuke! Don't-don't lay a finger on that man!

Wh-what are you talking about?! What's wrong with you? He's no big de-

You idiot! Stop!!

WHPP SKOOSSH

Ugyahh!

7/08/2005 11:15:00 PM | Comments (0)

Dessert

I Don't Want To Be - Gavin DeGraw

I miss Gary.

*****

This summer was already looking pretty kickass. Job: secure, occasionally fun. School: non-existent for the time being. Friends: seemingly everywhere. Rock Concerts: awesome. Life: improving. After the spiritual wasteland that was the last two or three months of school, things could only get better.

On top of all that, she came back.

*****

She, of course, being one Ms. Annia Vuthirong. Now, don't get the wrong idea, it's not like her and I hadn't talked for years or anything like that. I'm sure there was the occasional MSN "hello" here and there. But with her in Guelph and romantically involved for the better part of the last year, it was difficult for us to make time to see each other. Before last month, I hadn't seen her since Christmas. I think.

However, with school finished, our schedules happened to coincide and so, one day in June we managed to find the time to chill out. I can't remember too much about that reunion. We may have watched Gilmore Girls, though I'm willing to deny that. I remember that the day ended with me walking her to the bus stop and her mentioning that I looked a bit older. At first, I was offended, but she clarified that I'd lost some of the boyishness in my face, which I decided needn't be such a bad thing. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a compliment, which are hard to come by when you're dealing with Annia. I'll take it.

Since that day, we've spent a lot of time hanging out. There have been some emotional highs and lows, most of which I probably shouldn't get into for her sake. When we met again, it seemed like our lives were going in seperate directions. Like I said, I felt that things were going great. For her...not so much. I'd like to think that this is the way things are for a reason. Apparently, and I could be wrong, I provide some sort of emotional support for her in addition to my usual gift of entertainment. Last week, I kept her company in Guelph while she finished one of her LONG overdue school projects. I think we sat in the same room for about six hours. At the time, I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. She thinks that she's some burden for me. Like chilling out with her and watching movies or wandering around downtown with her in this awful heat is strictly for her benefit or amusement. I get so much out of it.

For one thing, I've always thought of myself as being an emotional wreck who has a hard enough time dealing with his own shit. Suddenly, there's this person who has real problems, who's coming to me for help. ME! The same cat who would talk everyone's ear off at lunchtime in high school if a girl didn't make eye contact with him in Biology class! I'm supposed to help her! It's not like I actually do anything for her. I seem to get points just for showing up. But yeah, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do.

That last sentence relates to the second benefit of Annia being back. I get to see my friend again. I mean, you tend to forget when you don't see someone for a while how important they are to you. How they can amaze you with everything they do. How great they make you. That's always a good gauge of friendship for me, albeit an egotistical one. What am I like around this person? She might argue, but I know when I'm around her, I'm at my best. And it sticks. At work, with other friends, I'm more confident. She makes me so much more than I am.

I'm reading this thing over, and it does not express how happy I am to have this girl back in my life. She's truly one of my best friends. Yeah, my boys are good for some some laughs or some gay sex...but with her, it's different. She challenges me. She scares the shit out of me sometimes. I'm the luckiest bastard in the world that she chooses to spend time with me.

Tomorrow, I think we're going shopping for tripods. I can't wait.

*****

Your man said there were five guards, but that would be the ones with the palanquin itself. There must be a score or more shadowing it from the woods and hills. There's no way you can mount a successful attack...even rifles will be useless. It's child's play for a mountain shinobi to sniff out a burning matchlock fuse.

Then, then you're saying you won't do it?!

I'm saying I will...

7/07/2005 12:03:00 AM | Comments (0)

Holy cow, I hate computers.

You ever wonder what happens to people when they leave your line of sight? I've been having little tiny freakouts lately where I feel like I'm experiencing quantum indeterminacy in my entire reality - you know, Schrodinger's cat and every possible state superimposed onto one another and all that? ...dude, I am trippin' BALLS.

I'm suddenly suspicious of what people are doing once they turn the corner and leave my field of vision. I suspect they're turning into goldfish or something, and I run around the corner to catch them in the act, only to see that they've quickly turned back into normal people. I know FOR A FACT that once I stop looking at airplanes in the sky, they start flapping their wings like hummingbirds on crack. I get the sense that people are laughing at me, even when I'm looking them right in the face. I feel like I'm high on weed, and then I remember that I was allergic to grass clippings when I was really young. And then I wonder what the hell that has to do with anything.

I think it might have started when I misplaced my keys the other day, and while I was looking for them, I considered my situation in a quantum context and the ramifications that would arise. You see, the thinking is that it's possible that my keys are on my desk, in my pants pocket, in my backpack, or up ma anus - all at the same time. I would know for sure once I found them, but up until that point, they could simutaneously exist in all those locations at the same time - all possible states superimposed in the same reality - and I wouldn't know. The cat is both alive AND dead...until you open the box and you find out if it's alive OR dead.

I will never lose my keys again.

I'll stitch them to my body. Maybe I'll put them on my fingertips, so I could open locks just my poking them. Kinda like that guy The Key, but only after he got redesigned by Grant Morrison and Oscar Jimenez. I think it was JLA #8 and #9. I always thought it was kinda convenient how Charlie Villanueva wasn't there, because he could have beaten The Key in like five seconds flat. Actually, maybe faster if he did it at superspeed. You think he could use his telepathy while going at superspeed? ...oh shit, he can. Nevermind - I think he did it in that Adam Strange story in #21 or so. That was a cool story. Flash had to lend Superman speed so he could go faster than light, and he ended up seeing his own after-image and stuff...coolness. But then that's ignoring the fact that he routinely flies faster than light in space anyway. Comic books are retarded.

I was looking at my underpants, and I thought they were "Faster Than Light" underpants. But I guess it's also possible that the letters just stand for "Fruit of The Loom." But we'll never know until I check - you know, Schrodinger's underpants and all that. And I don't feel like checking.

You know...Captain America's like Tim Duncan. He's not the most skilled fighter on Marvel Earth (Shang Chi, Iron Fist), he's not the strongest (Kingpin, USAgent), and he's not the fastest (Daredevil, Wolvie) but the combination of all his skills in all categories puts him on top overall. Likewise with The Big Fundamental. Karl Malone was more consistent and had a better post game, Garnett's a better passer and has more range...but Duncan is just good enough at all those things so when you look at the overall package, he could definately be the best power foward of all time. And if Cap ever saw Karl Malone on the street, he would completely kick the crap out of him like he was a little Mexican girl. Don't ask how I know this and why it's relevant to the discussion at hand. Just accept it.

I think Steve Rogers is to Tim Duncan as Cassandra Cain is to Michelle Wie. But I don't follow golf.

I also think Spider-Man could kick Captain America's ass if he ever felt like it. ...or maybe just a good 6 out of 10 times. Never underestimate Cap. He'll just Ricochet Shield your ass and follow it up with a level 3 multipower card and BAM - you're two thirds the way to a spectrum KO and you don't even know, you punkass motherfucker.

Don't hate on Cap. Though he did look pretty gay when Jim Lee drew him with the eagle on his forehead instead of the big "A" in Heroes Reborn. Which also sucked. Franklin Richards can go to hell for all I care. ...hurm...which he did, in Unthinkable.

...

Ah hell boy, class is over. Anung Un Rama, Imma Outta Hurra.

P.S. - No, thank YOU.

7/06/2005 08:26:00 PM | Comments (0)

Following hot on the heels of the WAMBUKI and WHAMBAG is this strange google link I found from our favourite push-overs, the French. Although it's titled "WunMBunG.COM", I think something got lost in translation (I'd provide a link to the quality site Yak posted on the Lost in Translation action film, but I'm too lazy to find it). Therefore, I submit that we instead refer to our Parisian Page as LE WAMBAGUETTE.

ADDENDUM: Check out the tagboard. Grand-Al? Ho ho.

7/04/2005 02:39:00 PM | Comments (0)

I bring you links!

- I've seen some pretty gay stuff in my days, but this is just ridiculous. Eygh!

- New member of the Real World Justice League - Kenyan grandfather, 73, kills leopard with hands.

- Here's the trailer for King Kong. Looks good. But whenver Jack Black's on the screen, I can't shake the feeling that it's just a multi-million dollar skit.

- Japanese commericial. "Weird" doesn't even begin to describe it. Japanese people are just plain fucking crazy.

- The greatest Flash movie of all time.

7/02/2005 01:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

I woke up two hours ago and I couldn't get back to sleep. I have no idea why, because I'm so goddamn tired. I've never really felt like this - every instinct in my body is telling me to go sleep, but once I get to it, no one's participating. My mind's running at a hundred miles per hour about nothing and everything. At one point I started obssessing about a poker hand I lost while playing three months ago. I hate poker. So I'm thinking that lying in bed alone with my thoughts is probably not a good idea for me, so I got up to do...something...anything.

I tried to kill off my computer assignment. Got about an hour's worth of work in...but I couldn't really do it. I just can't think right now. I'll have to try it again after some sleep, that I will eventually (hopefully) get. I gave the sleep thing another go, but I got nothing. I feel like I'm jet-lagged. I seriously consider drugging myself...but I don't know what I can drug myself with. I'm a chemistry major, by the way.

So I made a new layout. I don't know why. I also fixed all the links...everywhere. Everything that should work should work.

http://wambag.com/blog.php?xp

Ugh, I want to die. I hope I'm not sick. I really don't need to be dealing with a random disease on top of everything I got already. I already need to get my wisdom teeth yanked sometime this summer, and I don't even know where I can fit that in. I need an extra week to be given to me so I can catch up on all these things and just get some rest.

Hey, I think the sun's coming up! I think I'm just going to go lie in bed and try not to kill myself. Birds...so...noisy...eygh.

7/01/2005 05:26:00 AM | Comments (0)