Only In Shakespeare Class Would You Meet A Girl Named Vincenza

Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy

Even though I found out a long time ago that Vincenza has a boyfriend, it hasn't stopped me from...engaging her. Now, you all know that I'm resolutely against chasing another dude's girl, but hey, we sit together in class. She's hot. I'm going to talk to her and I'm going to enjoy it. Hell, I'm talking to her on msn right now. She uses pink text. *swoon*

In Monday's class, almost out of nowhere, I asked her how she met her boyfriend. It's not an uncommon question and I was curious. She said that they used to go to elementary school together, then he moved away. One day he came back and called her up and eventually they became a couple. Pretty simple. It made me think of Maura, one of my earliest crushes. What if I went back to Avon? Would she even remember me? I highly doubt it. I think it's so sweet that she dates this guy who she knew from elementary school. She's never known the anxiety of trying to meet someone at U of T. She is so lucky.

I am going to be entering my final year of education at U of T (well, I'm probably going to do a fifth year but follow me on this one). I have searched far and wide for an attractive, single girl who might be willing to go on a date with me. I have been unsuccessful. I am never short of hope or ambition, but even I must admit that the chances of meeting someone next year are slim. I can only imagine how different my life might have been if I wasn't such a social inebriate early in my life. If I wasn't still one.

On the bright side, we got out of Shakespeare class earlier than usual and as I was about to make a frenzied run to the bus station, Vincenza offered to give me a ride. This was particularly fortuitous because I was hoping to catch a YRT bus at Finch that runs once an hour. Thanks to her help, I made it.

On Wednesday, I was walking around after Media class for a couple of hours. It was such a beautiful day. I ran into my friend Rosena on a random street corner. She's a comic book artist. Her work is mighty impressive. We went to the Harry Tarantula and I showed her all the cool comics that I've read. I was happy to have someone to walk around with. You can only have so much "me" time before it just gets depressing.

Max showed me the building site for a new store called Cerealicious. When he told me about it before, I assumed it was an offshot of our beloved Cereality. WRONG. He did some investigating and sent me this story. Clearly, these fuckers must pay. Let's burn this thing to the ground.

Here's your obligatory YouTube link. It's Dane Cook doing an impression of Tom Cruise on Oprah. Just watch it.

Oh yeah, this is the 900th post in the WAMBAG's illustrious history. Will, you done some good here.

Some nonsense! I don't believe in demons from Hell. And I don't appreciate the bast--
You believe in God and Jesus and angels, right? Well, Father, I'm sorry...you don't get to pick and choose.

EDIT: I just found another article about Cereality. We're in it! More importantly, I'M IN IT!!! Ha ha ha, YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

3/30/2006 11:35:00 PM | Comments (0)

Extra Spring

She - Green Day

More random stuff because I can't seem to focus lately.

On Wednesday, I took Natasha to the Audio-Visual Department at Robarts to watch Singin' In The Rain. When she asked my why, I said "Uh, I don't know. Maybe because it's the greatest movie ever?" I still remember watching it in Intro. To Film class two years ago. I swore I'd find time to watch it again, but until Wednesday I had not done so. I was glad to have someone with me. Especially a girl. Especially Natasha. I knew that she would appreciate every minute of it, even though we didn't have time to watch the whole thing and I could only show her the best parts. I think I'm getting pretty good at knowing how to make a girl smile. It's all part of my never ending boyfriend training. I will be ready.

Basketball at the Athletic Centre SUCKed on Friday. It was insanely busy and I played in two games in THREE HOURS!!! And those games lasted a combined, I kid you not, ten minutes. Tops. Both my teams were composed of whatever random, equally desperate schmoes I could round up. Suffice to say, we did not last too long out there. It was humiliating. Or, it would have been, if anyone even noticed I was playing. I stuck around for a while hoping to get one last run in. Eventually this hot Italian girl showed up. I saw all these...really unattractive guys going up and talking to her. I was panicking. Is that guy her boyfriend? How about that guy? Is she anyone's boyfriend? Where's her boyfriend? Are these guys her friends? Do they know her or do they just have ten times the balls that I do and are willing to talk to a stranger? That motherfucker's skinnier than me! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! The combination of athletic futility and sexual frustration was too much for me. I fled.

They're not scheduling me Friday nights at work anymore. Those are my Adriana nights. Bastards. Speaking of Adriana, she called in sick today too (Gah!), so my last chance to see her this week is tomorrow. But she's sick, so...I called her house after I got back from work and I think one of her brothers picked up. He asked who it was and I said, "Uh...someone from work." After some discussion in the background (with her? with her mother? an aunt? I'll never know) I was told that she was sleeping. Okay. I should have just said it was Alex. Maybe she would have picked up. Or maybe she definitely wouldn't have answered. I prefer the rejection that I received. At least it's anonymous. I am a coward.

The trailer for the new Will Ferrell flick Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby has been out for quite some time now and for some reason I have not watched it. Obviously, it looks hilarious. My only concern is that the affiliation with Nascar might prevent them from doing some of their racier stuff. Who am I kidding, we're watching the shit out of this one.

Lastly, I retell a story for posterity's sake. Will and I were chilling out in the Athletic Centre lounge when all these girls start pouring in. Apparently they're on campus for a soccer tournament. One team moseys on over to around where we are sitting. This girl, the hottest one by the way, starts idly kicking a ball around, clearly itching to get on the field. Will is half-asleep/half-dead and his reflexes are in no shape to be tested. They are tested. The girl loses control of the ball and, as is the first instinct with soccer players, she tries to retrieve it with her foot. Instead, she ends up kicking the ball into Will's face. The pain must have registered in his brain only slightly quicker than the comedy registered in mine. To the naked eye, it would seem that his cry of pain occurred simultaneously with my outburst of laughter. "YES!!!" I actually exclaimed. The girl apologized (not as profusely as she could have, mind you) and that was the end of it. Well, except for the fact that Will's face was noticeably flatter and I found another girl to fall in love with. She is a brunette, she is athletic and she caused physical pain to Will. She is everything I look for in a woman. It bears mentioning that this was on Friday, the end of the school week. It has been an excellent week.

I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy.

3/25/2006 10:37:00 PM | Comments (0)

Spring

These Are The Fables - The New Pornographers

I haven't posted in a while. Mostly because of I've been busy with school work. Mostly because nothings been happening in my life. Mostly because I've been taking advantage of having inherited my brother's old comp and I've been free to play Civilization IV until six in the morning. Mostly because I can now download pornography at a blinding speed.

With no new romantic pursuits having presented themselves in the last few months, I've fallen back into the Adriana trap. She's someone that I don't see too often, but just enough and in such a concentrated form that our encounters are always potent. Plus, since a lack of upper management (people quitting and one going on maternity leave) has actually made me some kind of supervisor, there are some nights where I'm pretty much in charge. I can do whatever I want and that usually means hanging around Adriana and flirting like a ma'fucka. She has so many little work quirks that drive me CRAZY. It's so weird. Everytime we make eye contact we smile, though I'm sure my smile is wider than hers. It actually hurts. Years of walking around with a sour puss have left me with a natural aversion to smiling. And she makes me smile so much. I gotta quit my job, fast.

On that note, I am planning to quit at the end of summer to concentrate on school. And yes, I actually mean it this time. Really. I will.

In the last few days, I've had to be more of a man than...well, than I actually am. Some friends of mine have needed help. They've needed someone to talk to. I've never thought of myself as a particularly good listener and I'm even worse at giving out advice. I've always been a terrible phone person. One thing that always killed me in high school was how I thought I was a pretty caring person, but my inquiries into the well-being of others usually provided them with little comfort. Let's just say that, in response to my "Something the matter?"s I got my fair share of shoulder shrugs and "Nothing"s. I am one of the worst huggers in the world. I have no idea how to make someone feel better. But when a friend calls you at two in the morning and says that she can't sleep because she's having one of those days, you have to listen. You have to try and act like a man. When your friends are so knee-deep in shit that they forget how beautiful they are, it's up to you to remind them. I don't know if I helped anyone, I honestly don't, but I do know that I'm grateful that they came to me. I don't care if I was the last person they thought of talking to. That they spoke to me at all makes me feel like a giant. I'm learning every day and I'm thankful that these people are in my life.

I am currently obsessed with Twin Cinema by The New Pornographers. Next on my to-listen list: Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not by the Arctic Monkeys.

Brian. I want to talk to you about your girl problems, but I cannot think of an appropriate way to bring it up. This probably isn't it. Let me know if you want to, okay?

I spend my whole night hanging out with Annia and watching American Idol and The Amazing Race. It's the most enjoyable evening I've had in a long time.

Sorry, I know this has been disjointed. I wanted to express all the hopelessness I've been feeling lately with school, but with the completion of my essays I feel so much better. Spring is here. It is a wonderful time to be alive.

A couple of links courtesy of Cheryl. The Human Clock, which is a fun way to kill time (no pun intended, I swear). Might have been posted before. She also sent me this. Finally, my schlong can be presented in all its glory.

The Doppelgangers, another brilliant SNL Digital Short. I saw the episode, but this was sent to me by Senor Snax a few days ago. My only worry about these shorts is that they expose the weakness of the live programming. If you've watched any of the shows lately, you'll notice that the sketches ain't that great to begin with. I, for one, would hate to see SNL become a show composed of digital shorts, but its hard to argue with the results so far. The shorts are usually the highlight of each show this year. Bad sign.

And, of course, this.

I hope that last link makes up for the rest of this post. I'll do better next time.

Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish." I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. And there hasn't been a time where I have stuck so much as a toe back in that ocean.
But why?
Done with fish.

3/22/2006 12:22:00 AM | Comments (0)

I've been in a grumpy mood lately, and I don't even know why. Which is unfortunate, because knowing is half the battle, and they never told us what the other half was.

So I'm sitting here in the computer lab, looking at a couple of pieces of trash here yukking it up - talking about this computer assignment they stayed up all night doing, like it was a huge achievement. That's how I know they can't be more than second year sophomores - they probably still go to bed at midnight, probably still believe they can make a difference in this world, and that their university education here will actually prepare them for real life, and they're hanging out in the computer lab. When you've spent as many hours in this God forsaken place as I have, there's absolutely no reason to linger in here any longer than you have to. It's like needing to go to a bakery where the baker rapes you with a knife - aside from going there to get the bread you need to feed your family, why the hell would you hang out there with the baking knife raper? I realize that's probably the worst analogy I've ever come up with in a lifetime full of bad analogies, but I'm not an English major. I mean, what do you want from me?

So while everyone else is dead inside and just trying to finish their programming assignments, these asshats are laughing it up, bragging about who stayed up longer and who had a harder time doing their wussy Java program, like that's something to brag about. I don't want to listen to them, but it's impossible to ignore them because the lab is dead silent aside from them, and these fuckers don't seem to be able to control the VOLUME OF THEIR VOICES. And every time one of them drops a funny by mutilating a quote from a random movie or a two year old Chappelle bit ("I have never even heard of juice!"...what?), the entire group erupts in the loudest borderline fake laughter I have ever heard - like the way you would laugh if you wanted to sarcastically mock someone's bad joke or if you're trying to convey "OMG THAT IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE" by overcompensating on the laugh. Or like if you were on a nervous first date, and you're laughing way too hard at the other person's jokes, and way too long because you're trying to stall for time to figure out what to say next. I say "borderline fake" because from anyone else I'd assume it was, but you just know with these jackasses that they actually laugh like that. And when I realize that, I get goosebumps. Not the good kind like when half a million people in a stadium chant your name ("CHO-KING-YAK! CHO-KING-YAK!") but the type you can when something so soul chillingly awful happens that you actually get physically colder.

I'm a nice guy, but most importantly a wussy, so I just shrug it off, hope they'll leave, and warm myself with the knowledge that their spirits will be as broken as mine in under a year's time. But they're still going strong after half an hour, and one particularly vocal idiot starts whining about how there's too many differences in the anime version of this manga he's reading, how they aren't staying true to the original material, and he starts talking about the movie for The Da Vinci Code and how Tom Hanks' hair way too curly or something...and I realize that I can't deal with this, and I don't want to wait however long it'll take them to leave, and either they have to stop living or I have to get out. So I'm in the process of charging up my confidence meter, trying to talk myself out of my spineless acceptance of this auditory abuse, and I'm trying to formulate a better line to shout at them than "Shut the fuck up you fucking fuck heads!", I realize I can't, and I'm just waiting for the next wave of loud mouthed idiocy so I can unleash my Level 3 verbal super move...and I get it. One douchebag says to the other way - suddenly, and way too loudly, like he just remembered - "Yo, did you remember to declare the path variable at the top?" (or some stupid nonsense, I don't know) and the other douchebag (complete with ridiculous looking Jew-fro and squinty eyes that are unnaturally close to each other) thinks for half a second and then goes "Yeah dude!" (HE SAID "DUDE"!!!)

And then...it happens.

(Start the slow motion bit here, with all the voices really low and stretched out, and the camera quickly moving to different static images of people's impressions at that moment in time.)

In celebration, the original douche turns over and starts up his high five animation. Two frames in and I see it, and I'm thinking "Ooooooh shiiiiiit noooooo." (slow motion, remember?) Arm's at his side, the palm's open, he's bringing it up overhead. And from this point on, I can't look away. It's like that steel commercial where that car's smashing into that other car in slow motion reverse, and they go "You have 1.2 seconds to decide if you want your car to be steel" or something at the end. No one changes the channel during that one. So the other douche, exactly as I predicted, doesn't see it. The start up goes through, and the guy has to completely slow down the arc to keep the forward motion as to not be left hanging but to give the other guy some extra time to start up his own. Regardless, Tweedledumb is still left hanging in the air for a good one and a half seconds, before Tweedleretarded sees it and rushes through his own and connects. And there's barely any connection - he got like two half fingers on the palm. There wasn't the slap sound and the solid recoil on both ends - the first guy's hand stayed perfectly unmoved while the other guy just kinda scraped his fingers on the side of it.

It was the most awkward completed high five I have ever witnessed in the decade and a half of conscious thought and memory I have had on this Earth.

The important qualifier here is that it was indeed a completed high five. If you flub on a high five, then it's not a completed high five - it's a missed high five, and that's funny because it's a missed high five. It's a different thing altogether. It's like in a dunk contest, and how they only grade successful dunks, and missed dunks don't even register, and you can keep going. I've seen Steve Urkel make some awkward looking missed high fives, but those are funny, if only a little bit funny.

There was nothing funny about this one. It was just horrible to look at. I swear to God, the temperature in the room immediately dropped two degrees, as the universe itself shivered, and the integrity of the very fabric of reality was jeopardized. And I know I wasn't alone on this one, because I slowly looked over at the guy next to me and he slowly looked back with that classic "..." look on his face - eyes squinted, mouth agape, nothing else going on.

Everyone realized what an awful thing that was, except - obviously - for the idiots, and even the constant sparse keyboard clacking in the room stopped. They had that smug look on their faces like they had just done something cool, and that they were better people for remembering to declare the path variable at the top or what-the-fuck-ever they were doing. The first guy even gave a little tiny George Michael Bluth type of "Yeah!" at the end.

So I freeze. I was completely unprepared for something of that magnitude, I'm stopped dead in my tracks, the "Shut the fuck up you fucking fuck heads!" line evaporates off my tongue, my meter is drained, and I'm suddenly terrified, for no reason. And I realize that I won't be able to burn that image out of my mind for awhile, and I'm definitely not going to be able to do anything productive in this lab for the rest of the day. So I get up to leave and I burn off the rest of my meter by shooting off the most evilest Evil Eye I could currently muster at them, but no one's even looking at me, and they parry it like it was the slowest moving fireball of all time.

And I admitted their crushing victory over me, I withdrew from the room, and I let them take it. A bunch of slaw jawed faggots that completely defeated me, shriveled my soul, and did all these things to me without even knowing it. These UofT Computer Science students - I hope they burn in hell.

But they're already there. They just don't know it yet.

3/16/2006 06:37:00 PM | Comments (0)

Joke time!

Q: What is the proper term to describe the complete and utter wasting of a valuable weekend day playing Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects for 10 hours straight with Max - only interrupted by a movie that could potentially rate in the high 5's or low 6's on the Van Helsing Scale (aka Ultraviolet) - and still failing to beat the game, along with watching the first three quarters of American Samurai, and completely failing to achieve our only objective of the night, which was going to Korean barbeque?

A: An absolutely normal Saturday.

And the best part is...it's not even funny.

Kobe!

3/12/2006 04:00:00 PM | Comments (0)

And now how do I follow that post? With a bunch of wimpy "heh heh" links that you'll forget in half an hour and quoting stupid Van Damme lines? Honestly, come on.

So let this post be a tribute. This is not the greatest post in the world, no - this is just a tribute. Couldn't rememberaaah the greatest post in the world yeah NO - this is a triiibuuuuteooooh.

*ahem*

Check out these other follow-up acts.

Natalie Raps - Nothing from this post-Ferrell generation will touch Lazy Sunday. I realize now that was a fluke. Still a noble attempt here, but it's got practically no memorable lines. However, I think Natalie Portman's bull-dyke hair actually helped here, and regardless of it's inability to out-lazy (or out-Sunday) Lazy Sunday, Natalie Portman has jumped to yet another level in my book. In fact, I'm prepared to forget and deny that she was ever in Star Wars. ...which is odd, because she was never even attached to any Star Wars properties, so I don't even know why I would say something like that. (...aaaaaand, done)

(Also, I find it hilarious how NBC is being an ass and telling YouTube to pull their SNL videos. Because it would obviously be wrong to get so much free advertising for such a crappy show. I mean, it's okay to completely rip-off No More Questions by Easy-E without giving any credit at all, but when you host videos while giving full credit to its source...that's just not right.)

X3 (sorry, "X-Men: The Last Stand") trailer - Neat, I guess. Absolutely nothing to suggest it'll top X2 though. And also, it's going to be impossible not to laugh when the Juggernaut shows up for the first time.

...so retarded...stomach hurts from laughing...oh Jesus help me.

X-Men Anime Intro THE SEQUEL - The second version? Again...why bother with more if you've already hit perfection on the first try? No moon crying unfortunately, but they still couldn't hold off at the end. They tried so hard and they almost held out for the entire thing...but it just broke through at the end.

And I know you're all immediately going to want to watch the first one again, so here's the link, for your convenience.

God, it's good to be alive.

It's the collecktionagensee BAI-SON. And CHOR ASS...is seeex monthahs ovahdue...AN EETS MAHINE!!!

(I think I went Ahnuldese at the end there instead of Van Dammage...I have difficulty differentiating it sometimes.)

3/09/2006 07:47:00 PM | Comments (0)

Gin-scented tears

N.B. Sorry, this is a long and boring post.

Whenever I'm with this girl, I always glibly jest that she's ruined my life, and that because of her I'll be alone in my room crying gin-scented tears. I don't think she realizes it's a reference to 1984. I don't care.

*****

I met this girl after a December exam in first year. As much as I love romantic movies (like McAdams loves Gosling), I don't buy into that love-at-first-sight bullshit. But the moment I met her, I knew there was something special about her. And I thought I'd never see this girl again for the rest of my life.

*****

About a week after the Christmas break, I see her in class. I'm still the scared freshman, but for some reason I feel comfortable going up to her and striking up a conversation. She tells me her boyfriend is coming up this weekend. I'm used to getting that from girls, whether it's true or not, but I think that she's worth having as "just a friend". I ask her for her MSN contact right after.

*****

We're both in the same program, and by the time third year rolls around, we have practically the same schedule. We're always sitting together. She'll later tell me that although she sees me in almost all her classes everyday, she's always happy to see me, converse with me, and even go to coffee with me after class. We chat effortlessly. By now, I've realized that I think she's the most funny, kind, and gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes on. So I do what I used to do in high school when I found out that I liked someone. I made sure she never found out. It's possible that I was scared of what that means, and was subconsciously distancing myself. I don't know. But I started saying things like "You've ruined my life, woman!" and "Don't call us friends. We're acquaintances... at best." My plan backfired; this became our bit, and we were closer because of that.

*****

Over this last Christmas break, I realize that I have to do something about this. I despise emotions, and right now I'm feeling too much of them. I have to ask this girl out. And yet I'm wracked by self-doubt. Our friendship means a lot to me. Whenever I talk to her, I feel like I'm on pure oxygen. I'm high as a fucking kite. I can't focus on anything else. I almost got hit by a car once when we were crossing a street together and chatting.

I usually triple check both ways before crossing streets.

I don't want to fuck up what I have already, but I can't deny that I've fallen for her. Hard.

*****

The start of the new term. I keep trying to get her alone, but I can't. Timing gets awkward as midterms approach. I curse myself for figuring out what I wanted over Christmas, instead of a term before, when I sat beside her alone everyday in my neuroscience class and then walked her home afterwards. And I wasn't doing the "I'm walking you home because I want to be on you" trick. I just would come out of class chatting with her, and before I realized it, I was 15 minutes out of my way.

*****

Reading Week comes and goes, and I MSN her, asking her to have coffee with me. We sit in the crowded Biosciences Complex. We're the only ones without seats, and are sitting on this stage-like ledge in the middle of the atrium. I feel so exposed, and can't muster the nerve to ask her the question in the present location. So after we finish our drinks, I decide to walk her - at least partly - home. The streets are usually pretty deserted, but that day there were people everywhere. In an appropriately awkward move for me, I drop the question while two large groups of students approach us from both sides of the sidewalk.

"I'm going to have to ask you an awkward question. You're going to feel awkward. I'm going to feel awkward. We're all going to feel awkward, and I apologize in advance. Just to warn you, the answer you're probably looking for is 'no'. As you may know, of all the people I know at Queen's, I can barely tolerate you the most... This is a horrible place to ask you something like this..."

"Hey, you picked the place. Suck it up."

"Anyways. I was wondering if you'd let me take you out to dinner tomorr--"

"Sure."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"I didn't really plan for this outcome. I had a lot of exit strategies for when you said no. Are you sure?"

"Are you fishing for a no?"

"God no."

*****

Last Tuesday, I take her out to a classy restaurant. Before the date, she messages me, as she's usually a jeans kind of girl and doesn't know what to wear. I offer advice a female acquaintance gave me regarding the restaraunt's dress code. I think she's dressing up because of the restaurant. I'll later find that she was dressing up for me.

Her housemates make her wear these stupid high-heel shoes that are a size too big for her. I tell her to wear normal shoes, but she declines. She walks like a drunk penguin while she's in them, and I mock her relentlessly for that fact.

Our date is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better first date. I'm comfortable, enjoying myself, laughing so much at one of the funniest people I've ever known. I do the stupidest things due to inexperience, and she just says that I can bitch about it to her the next day (like I do with most everything in my life).

*****

I can't concentrate on work all week. I'm trying to figure out how she feels about the whole thing, and I come to the conclusion that she'll give me the "let's just be friends" speech anytime now.

The morning before our date, I noticed things were off during class. It was as if she was actively avoiding me. I bring this up during our date. She admits that she felt awkward, not knowing what to do since we were seeing each other later that night. I added that it was probably for the better, because we would have run out of conversation options. That's a lie. That would never happen.

All week, things continue to feel a bit off in class. Thursday morning, I finally get her alone, and say to her, "I'm ready to bitch about the date now. I was going to tell you that you looked really good Tuesday night. But then I saw your ridiculous shoes, and I demoted you back down to normal good. So I figured it wasn't worth mentioning." She's a big fan of Will Ferrell movies, so I think it's appropriate to say "I immediately regret this decision". But her response doesn't skip a beat.

"Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?"

"Oh god no."

"Ok, good."

*****

We have a 50% midterm next week, so we decided not to do anything until after that. But I get an MSN message from her on Friday, asking to meet up with me to talk about stuff. I reply with "That sounds ominous. Ominous is bad, right?" She says that it's hard to generalize over MSN.

I'm completely ready for the big letdown. I'm not ready for what I get.

She starts the conversation off with "I need to know where you see this going."

"What?" I ask stupidly.

"Well, it's just that I value our friendship so much. But things have been off the last few days."

"Yea, I've noticed that too. I thought it was just because I'm naturally awkward, but things were definitely off."

"I really like you. And I really enjoyed our date. I think we have a good thing going for us, and I want it to work out. I just need to know where you stand with this."

My mind pumps its fist in the air.

"I... really... can... tolerate you too? And I want it to work too. I think the awkwardness in class will pass with time."

We both smile.

"Umm... there's something else. I don't believe I'm going to tell you this."

And then the shit hit the proverbial, motherfucking fan.

She continues. "Last night, I went out to the Ale House, and made out with some random guy."

I look down for a second.

She inquires, "You think I'm a horrible person, don't you?"

I respond quickly with "Not at all. We've only been on one date. I don't care."

"But I do. And it's weird, because I've never felt like this before. Caring so much about what I do, that I have to tell a guy I just went on a date with. I'm worried because I know myself. It might happen again. I don't want to hurt you like that, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. If I'm in a committed relationship, I can control myself. But while we're sort of getting to that point, I don't think I could control myself. My housemates told me not to tell you, because it might ruin a good thing. But I had to."

"I'm glad you told me. I think it speaks volumes about your character. Part of the reason why I like you is because I think you're so moral." I take a second and soak in the irony of that statement. "Whatever, don't worry about it." I knew she had a reputation for not being able to hold her liquor, and I've seen her dance with guys before.

The thought had crossed my mind.

And yet I still asked her out.

I tell her this.

She looks pained, and says, "I know what the right thing to do is. I should just party less, because I don't want to jeopardize what we have going for us. I think it could be a very good thing. But I'm stupid, because I can't make the obviously right decision..."

"Well, I don't want you to take that away from you. It makes you happy." I suddenly do something I didn't plan to reveal for a long time. I explain to her what Magic is. "It'd be like you taking Magic cards away from me. To be honest, I'm more worried that you caught mono. You should get that checked. I don't want you to get sick."

The conversation left the happy, joking tone of norm about three exits ago. Suddenly we're in the trust tree, and spend three hours laying everything out on the table. She tells me about her crazy shit, I tell her about mine. She now knows that I've liked her since I first met her, that I can't concentrate on anything else when I talk to her. I now know that she thinks she was avoiding me all week because she's afraid of commitment. She thinks that eating someone else's face is also her subconscious lashing out at the idea. She's worried that this means she's not ready for a relationship.

Three hours later, our conversation sounds normal... for a couple who has been on enough dates to decide on being committed to one another.

It is fucking emotional. I don't usually experience emotion.

I walk her home. I leave her at the door with, "What you did last night at the bar? It crossed my mind. And ruining our friendship? I thought about that too. I weighed the consequences, and yet I still asked you out. I don't care about all that shit. Because I'm willing to take that risk. You're worth that risk. I want this to work." I inwardly wince. I said some pretty corn-ball lines that night.

She tells me she has to think things through. I thank her yet again for ruining my life, as I won't be able to concentrate on my midterm.

*****

She MSNs me later that night, telling me that she can't handle all of this right now, and that we should probably take things slowly and casually date. I tell her that I expected no more before our 3 hour heart-to-heart.

*****

Yesterday, I spend the whole day mulling over what has happened. I'm annoyed that I'm feeling like this. I'm annoyed that I'm causing her so much stress. I'm annoyed that things are so bittersweet - yes, she really likes me, but...

I wish things would be simple.

My heart is hurting all day. I mean, come on. That makes no sense. That's just bad science.

By the evening, I still haven't studied at all. I can't take it anymore. I call her up and tell her I can't stop thinking about her. About what happened yesterday. She was also mulling over it too, and hadn't studied either. It's becoming increasingly evident that we're poison for each other.

She admits to me that she has a problem dating her friends. That a lot of her guy-friends have asked her out, and she's never said yes. That she honestly thought that I would be the one that would work. She tells me that she still really likes me, but can't handle all the "drama" right now. And she doesn't want to bring me down with her, as we've both got a lot of shit going on right now.

I know from the beginning where the conversation is going. In desperation, I try to stall. I start reasoning with her why we should try to make it work. The more unhappy I sound, the more she doubts her decision. But I can't. I can't cause her all this grief. She thinks that we worked better as friends, and just wants to return to that. A part of me is pissed, because on paper it looked like this could have worked. But I have to take the high road. I agree that we should probably end this now, before it gets too out of hand. I tell her that if she ever feels like she's in that "relationship place", to tell me and I'll take her out immediately.

She says it's unfair for me to wait for her, and I tell her I can't help it.

I also tell her that I'd want nothing more than to still be her friend, since I enjoy her company so much. We spend another hour slowly throwing joke upon joke into our conversation. It's our unspoken understanding. We're transitioning back to friends already.

We don't really know how to end the chat. I tell her that before I die, I want a girl to hang up on me in anger. I tell her that I hope she does that.

Her cell phone battery dies.

I smirk, as she quickly comes on MSN to explain. I message her, "Thank you for that. I can cross it off the list now."

*****

Amicable end, right?

Wrong.

Come Monday, I'm not sure how I can stare into those beautiful eyes, return to telling her how much I hate her, and force a smile. It almost worked. It almost did.

A don of mine from first year, who once nursed me back to health when I was unconscious from the drink, called me when she found out. Long distance too. I don't deserve that, but she does it anyways. I let my heart bleed all over her for another 2 hours. During that time, I come to the realization that, although I don't really know what love is, I'd hazard a guess that I'm in it right now. And it's not just a knee-jerk reaction from the depressing, accelerated relationship "break up". This girl has shit going on in her life that she told me about on our date. It's scary. And yet I wanted to be with her more. To help her. Be there for her. To fix her.

Since I've broken out a million cliches already, I feel no remorse whipping out another.

I've never cared so deeply for a person before. And now it's all fucked up.

*****

I told the girl, during our final phone conversation, that I had to thank her for giving me many amazing firsts. My first asking of a girl out, and my first date. And it's true. Warning her that I was using a dirty euphemism, I told her that she deflowered me (in the realm of dating) in a very pleasurable way.

But because of how screwed up things got, and how emotional and deep things got in the span of one week, I feel like I've just went through Relationships 101. I know, I'm probably making it sound like more than it is.

*****

I finally leave my room after speaking on the phone to various people for 5 hours straight. I've never done anything like that before. I despise the phone. My housemate and a friend are playing poker. There's a bottle of gin out. They offer, and I oblige.

Whenever I made the "gin-scented tears" reference, I always realized that I was lying to her. I don't own gin. I don't drink gin. I guess it was just some form of foreshadowing. Dramatic irony.

*****

Back to the night we were in the trust tree, and all hell broke loose as we put everything out there. I told her that when we look back at all this, no matter if we're together or not, we will laugh about it. Because, it's kind of funny, in a perverse sort of way.

Right now, I'm not laughing.

"He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark mustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother."

3/05/2006 09:02:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is probably the most disturbing comic I have ever read. I think I'm going to stay up for a couple more hours just so I don't risk falling asleep with that image in my head.

I don't honestly believe I have coulrophobia, because the definition of that is an irrational fear of clowns. And there is nothing irrational about my hatred and fear of all things clown.

They are the spawn of the devil. And so fearing them would be a completely rational behaviour. In fact, I could go as far as to argue that it is irrational not to fear them. It just makes sense.

This post clearly has nothing behind it, and my honest fear of clowns aside, it's pretty transparent that I'm posting just for the sake of posting.

So as a consulation prize, I will happily link you to an in-depth analysis of some unconventional strategic guidelines for Constructing Lineups. Would you believe that I did not know that Bobby Crosby had an .802 OPS last year? He's like a top five fantasy shortshop.

And if that doesn't do it for you, then here's another random YouTube video. 1984 Jackie Chan versus Benny "The Jet" Urquidez, who I best know as "the guy that he killed with the pen in Grosse Point Blank." It's in Chink-speak for authentic flavour.

...The Medallion was a terrible movie. I can't stop thinking about it.

"Are you alright?"
"Ahmokay. Ahm jeest half deed."
"And Bison?"
"ALL DEED."

3/03/2006 02:17:00 AM | Comments (0)

Reports are that Arrested Development has indeed been picked up by Showtime for 26 more episodes. It's weird though - all the internet news links point to this Dose article which points a New York Post article.

I mean...Dose?

I'll have to check if I know anyone with Showtime, but that's another DVD set at least!

The rest of this post will be spent awkwardly presenting some miscellaneous Arrested Development links.

- Ever wonder how the poster for Star Wars would look with Arrested Development characters? Wonder no more. And just for kicks, here's the original poster.

- TOO LATE!

- The 25 Best Arrested Development Moments, by Progressive Boink. Solid read, if just for old time's sake.

"Okay, we've all made some sacrifices to be here, but we all want the same thing."
"I wanna live here."
"I wanna buy Ann some Diamond Dust."
"I'm just hoping to get mildly injured, so I can get out of the Army."
"Bottom line is we've got two weeks to build a house...doesn't have to be good...it just has to look good."
"I just want my kids back!"

3/01/2006 01:10:00 AM | Comments (0)