Don't get your hopes up. Just a quick link:

This is horrible.

... and by horrible, I of course mean awesome.

11/28/2008 03:34:00 PM | Comments (0)

Hypothetical question.

If your friends can't play Left 4 Dead with you (because they "have work to do" or "have the flu" or "don't have the game") then what use do they have as human beings?

FUCK!

Now here is the last scene of The Shawshank Redemption if it was filmed a decade ago. Once it hits your lips, it's so good.

But I swear to all that is holy, do not watch this video if you haven't seen The Shawshank Redemption. I understand that is like a basic prerequisite of living a human life in this day and age, but with this group, I never know. Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie and you watch this video, we aren't friends anymore.

...although if you've never seen The Shawkshank Redemption, then we would never even have been friends in the first place, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living...or get busy dying.

11/25/2008 09:49:00 PM | Comments (0)

Some random links that have been successful in distracting me from my impending exams.

- The US has a black president, and now this is happening. That's some serious Deep Impact shit.

- Speaking of natural disasters, they're planning to make a live action Cowboy Bebop film, starring Keanu Reeves. It's like Hollywood thought "Hey Brian, we already raped Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Transformers. Let's now move on to your high school years and systematically desecrate the precious few things that made you happy."

What's next, cruel world? Making the next Diablo game bright and colourful? Tearing down my High School?

Oh wait. Fuck.

- Have I posted this yet? All that chronic really messes with my memory. Anyways, some kid spitting hot lava. His lyrics are clever, so check out his other videos too.

- I'm currently captivated by this Alternate Reality Game (ARG) viral video. It's so bizarre. People are trying to decipher the clues, which they're catologuing here.

- I have a weird thing for acapella right now, so I found this scene from Step Brothers amusing.

- Apparently JCVD is a decent movie. Again, let me draw your attention to black president and meteors hitting the Earth. The end is nigh.

11/25/2008 03:16:00 PM | Comments (0)

Great Expectations

Park Song - The Dodos

I always tell people that I don't care if they forget my birthday, but that doesn't mean that I'm not affected when someone unexpectedly remembers it. I received an e-mail from Adriana (my old Food Basics partner in crime) wishing me a belated b-day on the 5th. Now, she's probably like me and keeps a list of birthdays on her cell phone or her computer and was reminded automatically, but it's still nice to be thought of. Most people would send a simple "thank you" back and move on, but not I. No, when I receive an e-mail from someone who I was once infatuated with and who, for whatever reason, had been on my mind recently, I must go that extra mile.

That's right, instead of just giving her a generic response, I cracked a couple of lame jokes and proposed that we meet and catch up on things. Why would I do that? I have nothing new to offer. I'm in the same place I was when I saw her last. Actually, that's a lie. The last time I spoke to her I had a fucking job. Now I'm the same chump I used to be and I'm poor. Why do I do these things to myself? The worst part is that I'm actually hoping for two things:

1) That she doesn't have a boyfriend. This shouldn't matter to me because we're talking about someone that I've known for years now and whom I haven't made it as far as a movie date with, yet still this attraction persists.

2) That I've somehow changed in the last year and she finds me exceedingly charming now. Yeah. I have this hope everytime I see someone who I haven't seen in a long time. As if sitting around, waking up at noon and playing X-Box with Max is some kind of secret method to increasing one's charisma.

We were supposed to meet last Tuesday, but she cancelled. She said that she had a "study group". If that's not a thinly veiled reason to bail on me, I don't know what is. Like the gimp I am, I was all That's cool. Studying is important. You go, girl! *snap, snap, snap* She said she'd call me to set something up for next week, but I hope she doesn't. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at myself for forcing someone into a potentially uncomfortable social situation. She undoubtedly regrets e-mailing me now. If you're a girl, you can't send these table scraps my way. I'm like an emotional cockroach. Now she won't be able to get rid of me. I hope she doesn't call back.

Wow. That post made me feel I was fourteen again. Back to your regularly scheduled links.

If this girl ever makes it to the major leagues, I'll know that "rice picking" has reached a whole new level.

Steve Nash is GOD. But you knew that already.

Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations Mr. Donaghy. That's like lying to your brain.

11/21/2008 02:19:00 PM | Comments (0)

I just bought the complete series of Men Behaving Badly (The not-so-critically-acclaimed, Rob Schneider starring American version - two entire seasons!) for $10 at a used DVD store. Three things immediately jumped to mind when I found it.

1) Why would anyone sell this to a used DVD store?
2) This came out on DVD?
3) AWESOME.

I have no idea if this show is going to be actually any good or if this is just another instance of nostalgia messing with my head (ie. Transformers was wack...great, but wack). Regardless, I should be fairly entertained for the next little while or so.

Anyway.

- QWOP! If you can run farther than four metres, than you're a better man than I. Though honestly...I don't even care how far he runs. The sound effects are absolutely delicious.

- Minority Report fans, prepare for erections. Or the female equivalent, "she-rections."

- Finally! Seriously, what was the hold up? Also, one guess for what day of the week February 10th, 2009 is. Both Street Fighter releases in February are now my top two reasons for getting a PS3. I'm not even kidding, and the great thing is that you actually know I'm not.

- And finally, a picture of a lobster knife fight with the music from Kirk and Spock's duel to the death playing in the background. I really don't see how the internet gets better than this. I ask you, if this is so simple and retarded...then why am I enjoying it on so many levels?

Lobster has antennae but don't you grab it!

11/17/2008 11:31:00 PM | Comments (0)

Of Lucky Condoms

The Pilgriming Vine - Basia Bulat

It appears that I've lost my lucky condom. My theory is that it fell out of my pocket while I was reaching in to grab something else and really, it's surprising that this didn't happen before. I've had this condom for about three or four years by my count as I recall receiving it after a concert (the exact performer escapes me). 102.1 The Edge was handing them out for free and they had their own packaging and everything. Considering the rate at which the average male goes through these things, I have to think that it's somewhat of a collector's item at this point.

I hope to get a replacement soon as it's been missing for a few days now and I've been living in nothing short of constant fear. And yes, I realize the inherent contradiction that a "lucky condom" creates (if I've had it this long, it clearly can't be that lucky, wah wah wah). People have always been skeptical in regards to the condom's ability to ward off the forces of evil to which I respond, I'm still here, aren't I?

*****

Today's track is brought to you by Canadian artist Basia Bulat. Normally I wouldn't address it, but in addition to the fact that the song itself is absolutely breathtaking, there are a couple of stories tied to it.

Firstly, my discovery of the song was purely serendipitous. I had fallen asleep on my couch one night (not on purpose) and awoke at around 1 or 2 in the morning. Still too lazy to head up to bed, I decided to flip around and catch some sports highlights or (fingers crossed) a showing of A Few Good Men. I ended up landing on MuchMoreMusic and caught the end of Ms. Bulat's video for The Pilgriming Vine. It's funny because it was the video that intrigued me at first, one of those single shot deals that always get wannabe filmmakers like myself salivating. The only part of the song that I caught was the last 45 seconds or so, which is purely instrumental. Still, it left an impression on me and I made a mental note to track down this song later. It's a lush, waltzy number that totally fits into the folk-y mood that I've been in for the better part of this year.

Secondly, Shirley really loved it. If she ends up buying the CD, I think Ms. Bulat owes me some thanks because I gave it the hard sell. A few birthdays ago, Angel got me this kickass pair of headphones. The only problem is that they're quite cumbersome and you obviously can't share music with people when you're using them, but other than that they're perfect for immersing yourself in music. I use them in my room late at night so I can shatter my eardrums without waking up my parents. In this case, I simply told Shirley to sit down, put the headphones on and listen. Like I said, the song is particularly rich so I figured that these sound cancelling headphones would make for the perfect first-listen experience. I think it gave her the chills, so mission accomplished.

*****

There's a nigga in the White House!

*ahem*

Now that I've uttered aloud what we (or at least everyone South of the Mississippi) were all thinking, allow me to share a few other thoughts. I'm not politically inclined either way, but I do wish that certain artists had considered the influence they wield in today's society before making their voices heard. Have I mentioned that Will Forte is God?

I do have to say that all of this unbridled optimism disturbs me and not because I'm some rampant cynic. Rather, due to Mr. Obama being black, handsome and "not-a-Bush" they've decided to overlook the fact that he's still a politician. He still has to play by a certain set of rules and he will undoubtedly make mistakes and all of that is before we even get to the skeletons that are waiting to be unearthed from his closet. I, for one, miss the days when he was just an ambitious black man with a dream, but as I have been reminded over the last few weeks, the man was a presidential candidate and not a band you used to like.

All of that isn't even touching on the fact that a black man in the White House is surely one of the signs of the apocalypse and thus, zombies. Do you have a zombie plan? (1 and 2)

*****

I'm posting the trailer for Valkyrie to officially open it up for approval by the WAMBAG.com board. It looks great and stars a shit-load of good actors, but I'm sorry to say: No German accents.

*****

My birthday was more of a birthweek, truth be told. It started last Monday when Michelle treated me to dinner and a movie...well, movie and a dinner...well, movie and a popcorn combo that left us too full to eat a proper dinner...you know what I mean. We went to see Ghost Town, which I absolutely loved. I've been gushing about it, but I should add the disclaimer that one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much is because Michelle was clearly enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, it's a funny movie, but now I have this super-positive association with it. Also, Ricky Gervais continues to be a master of martini dry comedy mixed with genuine sentiment (one of the underrated aspects of Arrested Development in my opinion).

The next day I had lunch with Angel who had forgotten it was my birthday and honestly, we'd made plans to meet a week before and I didn't even think about it myself. She even let me pay for lunch, which she definitely would not have if she knew it was my birthday, but would be justified anyway as I will explain later. Angel remembered that my birthday was sometime this month and when she asked me for the exact day, I just deflected the question. Later, by rummaging through some e-mails, she apparently discovered the date and called me that night.

Fuck you! Happy birthday, you asshole!

I only wish you could hear the emotion with which that was said, but alas, it shall remain mine and mine alone. Now, in both our defenses, the only reason she forgot is because I didn't tell her and the only reason I decided to pay for our meal that day is because we also went out the week of her birthday a couple of months ago and she paid for dinner that night. In brief, we both treated each other to birthday meals, just on our own birthdays. We've always been unorthodox in our methods and I don't see why we should handle such a trivial ritual any differently.

Am I forgiven, Angel?

*****

Proof that "being a stupid asshole" is not unique to the Americas. This reminds me of those guys who wanted Peter Jackson to change the name of the second Lord Of The Rings film after the 9/11 attacks.

*****

The cherry on the top of my birthday sundae was the gift that I received on Friday night. Some of my softball teammates had conspired to create something that would be...timeless. Something I could pass down to my children that would subsequently be passed on from generation to generation. They framed Caesar's jersey from our Big Black Hawks days, signed it and packaged it with a couple of photos of Caesar including a bona-fide Topps trading card. Upon unwrapping it, I nearly wept. To have such a unique piece of sports memorabilia, literally one of a kind, is a privilege that few, especially myself, can be considered worthy of. Nevertheless, I shall hang it in my house and it will forever stand as a banner of honour and excellence.

(No homo.)

*****

For those of you who have made it to the end of this post, my deepest thanks to you. Do not think that your long, arduous trek shall go unrewarded. I present you with not one, not two, but three, THREE! Jean Claude Van Damme clips.

How the hell has THIS never been posted on the WAMBAG before? I want some answers Cheng!

A truly outstanding World of Warcraft commercial.

If I'd seen that commercial before, perhaps I wouldn't have been as surprised to hear about the concept for JCVD. Who could have known that the Muscles From Brussels was capable of such grand irony? More evidence in the form of a short film to whet our appetites for the main, roundhouse-kicking course.

Now you shut up while I'm singing
About McCain's thirst for dog blood
Like a vampire but with dogs

11/12/2008 02:32:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just figured out my Christmas stocking stuffer...

Welcome to the World of Tomorrow!

Haven't gone through the comments or reviews or anything like that yet for extra goodies, but I don't think I can handle it right now. Just the cover alone is absolutely murdering me.

If this was in stock for Indigo, I'd have ordered a copy for myself already.

I'm not even joking.

It is now my life's mission to find this book. (Without paying inflated American shipping and handling costs.)

if love was cow blood, i'd be a slaughterhouse

11/10/2008 07:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

I meant to get this installment of Choking Yak's Provoking Facts up yesterday afternoon...but I just realized that I never actually clicked on the Publish button. I've edited the timestamp on this post to more accurately reflect the initial intended publishing time, but for the record, actual time of publishing will be 9:06 AM on Tuesday, November 4th.

I know you were all wondering about that too, so I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now...ONTO THE RAMBLING!

- I spilled some soya sauce on my shirt today while eating lunch. Now I need to spend the rest of the day with my arms crossed over my chest so that no one notices.

- For the longest time - like for years, when I was younger - I actually thought the lyrics to Don't Dream It's Over were actually "Hey now, hey now / The dream is over"...which is actually like...the opposite of what it's supposed to be. And so it was always a very sad, depressing song to me, until I finally looked it up and was surprised at how retarded I was. That doesn't happen anymore - now I'm never surprised at how retarded I am.

- So last night, I'm sitting in the dark, at my desk in my room, and I'm reading this online article about...league average statistics for batted balls in play or some other homosexual nonsense. I'm going "HMMM" and "HURM" and "OOOOH" all throughout because it's so interesting and I reach for my wireless mouse to scroll down the page...but since it's so dark, I accidentally grabbed this orange that I had previously peeled and put on my desk next to the mouse instead. I didn't quite get what was going on at first, but I can say with absolutely certainty that the sensation of reaching out into the dark and grabbing a fistful of wet, fleshy orange instead of the ergonomic hand-fitted plastic shell of a Logitech MX Revolution wireless laser mouse is probably one of the most horrifying feelings I've ever had. I think I screamed a little bit.

- I want to put Zombie by The Cranberries into a future WAMBAG.COM production, just for kicks. I was on the subway this morning, standing way closer to this dude than I'm comfortable with, and I heard the song leaking out from his iPod ear buds. And then I started laughing to myself, but I don't know why, as it isn't really that funny.

- Last week, we moved up five floors to a new, more confined, less spacious workspace...although admittedly the floor itself seems a lot nicer, a lot more sunlight. We have a cool new coffee machine as well, but my mug (which has the word "Cereality" cryptically written on it) doesn't fit. There's also a lot of nice, big meeting rooms up here, but we're already feuding with the locals over their availability. First day here, we got kicked out of a room mid-meeting that was apparently previously booked already...and while we were leaving, my manager told me to memorize the face of the guy who kicked out us. ("Vendetta.") I don't particularly like my new desk as well, which is quickly becoming a source of bitterness in my day-to-day life now. Sometimes I think back about how funny Office Space was...and then I realize how absolutely accurately it portrayed white collar office culture...and it scares me a bit instead.

- They took our Aerons away as well. So now I spend all my time fantasizing about this chair instead.

- I like walking down one stop to the Queen Street subway station sometimes, because the train's a bit less crowded if you catch it a stop earlier, and I also just enjoy taking a leisurely stroll through the Eaton Centre while everyone else around me is all busy busy and everyone's in a rush to get somewhere. That's me in the morning, so I figure it's good to take it the reverse on the way home, balance out some of that stress in your life, that constant need to be traveling somewhere all the time without ever actually enjoying the experience of the journey itself.

I watched this bit on the Discovery Channel once that equated the walking mechanism in the human body to a system of an inverted pendulum, in which each step we take either brings the central body mass up to the point of the highest gravitational potential energy or alternatively causes the body to fall, using that energy. So I'm just imagining this pendulum tick away in my head while I'm walking through the mall yesterday after work, and I've realized that I've been following this girl from 10 feet back for like five minutes; I've subconsciously matched her pace and now I'm starring a hole into the back of her head while I contemplate the meaning of life with this big upside-down pendulum ticking away in my head.

And as I keep starring at the back of her head...I start to imagine these tendrils of hair suddenly coming alive and shooting forward to attack me like Medusa of the Inhumans. And I don't want to be caught off-guard, so I start to think about going first (as I've been taught by Han Solo and Street Fighter), and preemptively punch this random girl in the back of her head before her hair comes alive and strangles me. I'm considering this as she suddenly whirls around, looks right at me (I freeze), then past me (unfreeze), and then turns around and keeps walking. And I swear to God, there was a split-second in there in which there was an actual possibility I might have leaped forward and just clocked her before she could come at me...with her hair. What would have happened to me? How would I have been able to explain what I did? That would have been a rather awkward conversation to have with mall security. And then I got on the subway and went home.

- The grocery store downstairs from my office sells packages of sliced ham and Swiss cheese, presumably for you to put in sandwiches...or maybe even used to enhance your existing sandwich with. I like to buy them and just eat it straight from their plastic wrapped Styrofoam trays while I check sports scores at my desk. It's my new thing now. (I've done it twice.)

- I had an off site meeting today to discuss design details for this new project with people I've never met before at a building I've never been to. I never understand the naming conventions some places have for their meeting rooms. In my office, it's Meeting Room 1, Meeting Room 2, Meeting Room 3, and so on and so forth to Meeting Room 24. My meeting today was in this room called the Pitseolak Room...which (after some strenuous Googling) I can only assume is named after "an Inuit Canadian artist admired for the unpretentious authenticity in her works". I'm all for honouring our heritage or recognizing national heroes and all that jibber jabber...but honestly, is that something accomplished by naming a meeting room (with an eight person seating capacity) after someone? Is this really the time and place for this?

I've also been to another building that had meeting rooms named after oceans. Oceans. What's the rationale here? To spice up office life? Such that every time you have a meeting, you're like "Oh, the ocean, how refreshing!"? And it wasn't just straight hallways either - it was a myriad maze of confusing twists and turns. In my office, if you can find Meeting Room 15, chances are you can probably find Meeting Room 16...it's the next one down. But here...if I'm at the Atlantic Room but I'm looking for the Pacific Room...where do I go? Left? Right? Find the room labeled North America and cross it westwardly? I don't even really know where the Indian Ocean is located (near India?) - it's like I have to write a geography test every time I have a meeting with our business unit. It's so goddamn stupid!

- Being cool is wearing a Remembrance Day poppy as soon as Halloween is over. I haven't even seen anyone else in the entirety of downtown wearing one yet - I am truly the coolest dude EVER.

Sometimes we all forget that the world itself is paradise, and there has been much of late to encourage that amnesia.

11/03/2008 04:30:00 PM | Comments (0)

oh no pigeons

There's something filthy about reading an entire webcomic archive in one sitting. Pictures for Sad Children is kind of arbitrary, just like every other webcomic we've ever promoted here. Actually, that Hectorplasm example is sort of unrepresentative. Try these. There is some pseudo-continuity going on, which does somehow makes the whole thing greater than the sum of its parts. I highly recommend starting this comic at the beginning. In any case, here is another good reason to be depressed.

11/01/2008 01:46:00 PM | Comments (0)