Choking Yak
A few months ago, our department had a goodbye lunch at Jack Astor's for that term's co-op students. I particularly remember one of our department's senior directors making an appearance, and how he had gone around and shook hands with each of the co-opts and thanked them each personally for their hard work over the term and wished them much success in their studies and future endeavors. When he came around to my side of the table, he mistook me for one of the co-ops and shook my hand as well, expressing his wishes to see me back with "them" (us?) again.
I made no attempt to correct him.
That essentially sums up our entire relationship, and also my (complete lack of) feelings towards his recent departure. We held another goodbye lunch event for him which was catered by this Italian place downstairs. And whoever ordered the food must have overestimated, or we were expecting five Italian families that didn't show up, because now there are approximately two metric tons of leftover pasta jammed into the fridge in the lunchroom.
On a completely unrelated note...I didn't get a calendar for 2009 because I guess our department is apparently cutting back on costs.
- In one of the funnier and more candid comments I've seen in professional sports, soon to be 36 year-old relief pitcher Julián Tavárez recently compared signing a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals
getting drunk at a club at 4:00 AM and then going home with a 600-pound woman you mistook for Jennifer Lopez. Random personal tangent: I best remember Julián Tavárez when he was on the Cardinals, from Game 4 of the 2004 NLCS, when he threw a two strike slider to Carlos Beltran that missed the plate badly, and was going to end up bouncing off the dirt at his feet...only Beltran swung for it anyway, and golfed it out of the park for like his billionth home run in the playoffs that year.
Anyway...nice to see he's still got a job in this tough economy, even if it is with the Nationals.
- Remember in Season 2 of
24 when Jack had a heart attack while being tortured by terrorists but still managed to come back from the dead and kill everyone in the room and escape? Well this man is
the Jack Bauer of brain surgeons. I long for the day when I finish writing a program while suffering a heart attack, and I get to be the Jack Bauer of computer programmers.
- For the Zach Randolph fans among us (and there are many), check
this out.
- A new CG anime based on a 1998 manga
Cat Shit One is being produced. Here's the
trailer. I think hidden somewhere in there is a commentary on the contrast of social reaction to actual human beings exposed to the cruelties of war versus cute, fluffy animals and why we're so apathetic towards one and not the other...but I'm really just interested in seeing an ultra violent CG version of
An American Tail: Fievel Goes (to the Middle)East.
- I hope you're all ready to watch this new trailer for
Where The Wild Things Are, because it will fucking blow your dick right off that horrible bag of flesh that you call a body.
"I can get you a Chinese baby on the black market, for like $45,000 US."
"It sounds kinda shady."
"Does it? Or does it sound AWESOME?"
Choking Yak
Today is officially the first day of spring, March 20th, the
Vernal equinox. Hurray for white people - now it's only
half insane for you to run around in this -3 degree weather wearing shorts!
To celebrate, our more astute visitors might have noticed the minor tweaks we've made to the layout. (Or not. Use the Colourizer to switch to the new one.)
To be honest, I hated the last layout. I don't really know why I even put it up in the first place. I found I had a really hard time reading posts on the old layout, so I've been secretly and selfishly using this one for months already...and I figured I might as well just make it public now. So use the Colourizer to switch back to the old one if you like, but personally I'm kind of sick of this whole blue on white thing we've been running with for the last six plus years. It's time for change!
I've also finally upped a mobile version of the site, which you can access with this URL...
http://wambag.com/index.php?mode=mobile...which is a very clumsy way to do it, but since I haven't figured out how to auto-detect mobile browsers yet, we'll have to settle.
Anyway, I think I like this one. And since no one knows how to add new layouts, I don't really care what anyone else thinks.
"You killed him!"
"Now you see why people call me a murderer."
Choking Yak
So like...links and stuff.
- Saw these nifty videos from Microsoft, where they imagine all sorts of wacky Microsoft gadgets for
the year 2019. Microsoft ads always have top notch production values, so it's a pretty cool video even if you have no interest in future productivity gadgets. My favourite part about Microsoft's vision of the future? No black people. (EDIT: Oops, sorry - there is one that works in that Walmart type store in the first video. He appears for like half a second, at the 0:40 mark. Hurray for future race relations!)
I personally don't dig too many of the ideas...all this touchscreen this, touchscreen that is going to make for a very fingerprint and smudge filled future. Does every single piece of technology we work with need to come from the set of
Minority Report? Even the newspaper? Really? The real question is going to be whether or not newspapers still even exist 10 years from now. Our children are all going to be like "You read
ink off
paper?
Every morning?" ...actually, they won't even know what mornings are anymore after the sun gets blacked out from the nuclear weapon fallout we employ against the cyberzombie horde, so scratch that bit.
-
Here is the story of a a beer drinking, cigarette smoking bear named Voytek, who was raised by Polish troops to fight against the Nazis in World War 2. There's really nothing more I can say to sell this link.
But on a more serious note...being mauled by a bear
is no laughing matter.
- I don't know how many of you have seen
these "389 years ago..." posters, celebrating the history of African Americans, blah blah blah, Obama, slavery, all that stuff...but anyway, here's another one depicting
the next 389 years of human history.
- This is the latest hot video to be making the rounds on ye olde interwebs - a commercial for
Sakura-Con 2009, an anime convention hosted annually in Seattle. I think it's funny enough on its on merits, but I thought I'd throw in this
video of just the "GIRUGAMESH!" guy looping over and over again for 10 minutes. There's subtle genius at work here - it's just as good at the ten second mark as it is at the nine minute mark. I encourage you to check out the comments as well, YouTube snarkiness at its finest.
- In the same spirit as Food Porn Daily and This Is Why You're Fat, I bring you
Scanwiches.
- Nothing really to do with anything, but I thought I'd post up a quick link to Norm MacDonald's semi-recent appearance on Conan, since these things have an unusual and unfortunate habit of disappearing.
This is the interview, and
this is the cooking segment afterwards with both Norm and Gordon Ramsay together. I'm not sure which trainwreck is the funnier segment; the interview is less conventionally funny, but it's vintage Norm MacDonald talk show rambling, only magnified and distilled to a brilliant, uncomfortable level. It completely breaks down at
multiple points through the interview, and one of the funnier bits with these two is always Conan's persistent efforts to humour Norm and set up his bits, balanced with the simultaneous urge to trip him up whenever he can. But Conan's seemed to have this thing figured out pretty well - Norm MacDonald is always funnier as a talk show guest when he's allowed to mingle with (or set loose on)
the other guests, and Gordon Ramsay's a great personality to play off of as well.
You will literally say anything. It doesn't matter to you, does it?
Choking Yak
I've always yearned to return back to the early days of this site, back to our roots of providing hard hitting commentary and discussions on real and serious issues that matter to YOU (back then, The WAMBAG was like Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly before there was a Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly), instead of the weird LiveJournal whinefest and link dumpage hybrid this once proud nest of grassroots journalism has now become. In the spirit of reaching back into the Golden Age of The WAMBAG, let's pull some headlines from this past week's newspapers.
Man survives Niagra Falls plunge - What's great about this article is that I learned for the first time that it's illegal to attempt suicide by jumping over (jumping into?) the Niagara Falls. I can only wonder at how many successful suicide attempts there have been in the past that have escaped criminal prosecution...because they were actually successful with their suicide attempts...but not this time! We caught one of them and now he can stand trial for his heinous crime against civilized society! True justice will prevail!
Belligerent chimp proves animals make plans - Yes, it's scientific fact now - animals can make
plans. That means that chimps are now not only capable of voluntary manslaughter, but apparently also premeditated murder of the first degree! Although I wonder about the point that's made here...it's possible this was just behaviour unique to this one chimp, that he was some sort of "genius" chimp. What if he was more of a supervillian or mad scientist chimp? Human mad scientists build giant death rays,
think up elaborate schemes to kill Superman (and wear terrible looking bald caps), create life from scavenged body parts, or attempt to
usurp command of Catholicism by installing Nightcrawler as the Pope and using murderous disintegrating communion wafers.
In comparison...chimpanzee mad scientists collect piles of rocks by "
tapping on concrete boulders in the park to identify weak parts and then knocking out a piece" and then breaking them into smaller pieces if they were too heavy still. That is FRIGHTENING at how close they are already. I'm pretty sure the chimps are going to catch up to us within the next fifteen years. And don't forget about the dolphins, who are only biding their time until the optimal opportunity to strike at mankind presents itself. What will happen then? Who can say who'll win the three-factioned, StarCraft-like war for the dominance of planet Earth?
We better start harvesting some of that vespene gas now, get a leg up on the competition while they still haven't discovered Animal Husbandry yet, which would then allow them to discover Horseback Riding and
Writing...along with the ability to build Pastures and see map grids containing Horses. (<- WARNING, high-level sentence containing references to multiple computer games.)
The moment a diver grappled with a 12ft tiger shark to save a friend - I'll just quickly sum it up for you here, although you should definitely read the article; spearfisher Craig Clasen battles a huge fucking shark for two hours to save his friend, attempting to
drown the shark by shooting a spear through its gills, before eventually finishing it off by
stabbing a knife into its brain. And then he ATE THE FUCKING SHARK. No bragging or anything afterwards either. (I would have totally bragged about it, screaming on the news "I AM A STRONG MAN! ANYONE IN THIS OFFICE TAKE A RUN AT ME!") Just a very remorseful "
I never shoot anything or kill anything that I am not going to eat" and life goes on...
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a new winner.
Well that's a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk's favourite restaurants in San Francisco really turned some heads around here.
Big Al
LamentIt's All Coming Back To Me Now - Céline Dion
A strangely liberating thing happened yesterday. I forgot that the Toronto Raptors existed. It wasn't a big deal that I missed the game, I've missed plenty of Raptors games in my lifetime, but I don't think I've ever actually experienced
amnesia in regards to this organization. Normally, I have a good idea when the team is playing and usually it is one of the first things I think of when my consciousness gathers itself as I wake up (along with
who am I?,
is it too late for breakfast?, and the inevitable
do I want to fuck men?).
Not until about ten in the evening last night as I was checking scores for other teams did I notice that something called Toronto had lost to Philadelphia. Oh, right. Them.
It's not just that this team is bad. I can stand a losing team, trust me. That's one of the major parts of any relationship, especially between a sports team and its fans. Your faith, your aptitude is tested by these trying times. It's just made that much harder when the team is lazy, soft, clumsy, inconsistent, boring...I could go on forever. Honestly, my thesaurus is right in front of me, but I'm exhibiting restraint.
No, what really kills me about this team's failure is that it is destroying certain social aspects of my life. There are several people with whom I have a relationship built primarily on our love of sports. I'm certain I'm not the only one experiencing this crisis. It's a simple equation: Succesful team = happy fans. When a team like the Raptors are stinking it up night after night, nobody wants to go out and spend money to drive out to Boston Pizza and eat overpriced, undersized chicken wings. They'd rather watch the game at home, or worse, not watch the game and sulk in the bathtub. I don't blame them.
This whole season has been truly depressing, which is why I'm going to take the time in the next few weeks to write about other, more positive basketball related stories and things that I love in general. As usual, there will be little rhyme or reason to what I'm writing about, but the posts themselves should be more focused on a single topic. They'll just be topics that nobody wants to read about. So again, business as usual.
*****
From the
Rule Of Irrelevant Threes (working title) department:
I have a smattering of links to get to, but before I do I have to express my terror over the fact that the movie
Romeo Must Die seems to be creeping back into my life. I have no idea why. I have no fondness for the film whatsoever.
A few weeks ago, the song
Try Again by
Aaliyah came on the radio. That may not seem strange to you, but considering the fact that the song was a #1 hit years ago and as far as I know has not been receiving regular radio play since that time, it was a bit peculiar. It was a pleasant surprise and brought back memories of Romeo Must Die, which spawned this single, and the complete lack of chemistry between the two leads. As excited as I was at the prospect of watching one of China's most famous action stars hook up with a hot and talented black woman, it's probably a blessing that we were spared any on-screen intimacy between the two.
Some time later I noticed the same song being played during a basketball game. While it's normal for teams to pipe in music during games, the songs usually fall into two categories. The arena usually plays recent hits or songs that have become vintage, like a
Whoomp! (There It Is) or
This Is How We Do It. Try Again did come out almost ten years ago, so perhaps it has reached vintage status. Still, I was shaken. By the way, I was lying before, I did want to see Jet Li tap that ass on camera. The movie was rated R for chrissakes, they couldn't have had her play with his balls or something?
Finally, most disturbingly, after recently viewing, nay,
experiencing the instant classic that is
Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li, I had to know what else director
Andrzej Barkowiak had done.
Yep. The Rule Of Irrelevant Threes strikes again.
*****
A smattering of links that have been festering in this notepad file for over a month now.
We're always talking about how much we enjoy amusing YouTube comments, so why not YouTube profiles? Take
this gentleman, for example. This has to be a joke. Just skip to the bottom of his profile and check out his city, interests, etc. There's no way that this is a real person. It's all a gag. It has to be. I suppose it's more chic to make fun of people's Facebook accounts, but you know how I feel about that site.
Courtesy of Derek, Dave raps in some
Flight Of The Conchords promos (
1,
2,
3).
I'm sure you guys have watched every Lonely Island clip out there, but I thoroughly enjoyed
Jorma's dancing to the Arcade Fire.
Scrubs has made a triumphant return on ABC, a progression that I feel began last season. The whole "JD has a child" storyline reeked of creative shortcomings and created a lot of trite, unfunny episodes at the end of season 6 and beginning of season 7. However, after the first few episodes of season 7, the writers seemed to just throw the storyline out the window and went back to writing solid scripts. It didn't make a lot of sense, but it made for better television.
Season 8 so far has been excellent and my favourite episode has been
My Lawyer's In Love. For years, Sam Lloyd has done superb work as the classic sad sack character, Ted, and in this episode the proverbial dog has his day. It bears mentioning that the only reason an episode like this was written was because the show is cutting costs by excluding the lead actors from some scripts. Regardless, it exists as a shining example of Lloyd's work, as he alternates brilliantly between sad and funny creating a bizarre harmony between the two emotions.
The highlight of the episode and the writing highlight of the whole comedy season for me so far is when he finally musters up the courage to tell his love interest how he feels about her (beginning from 7:09 in
this clip). Scenes like this are so difficult to pull off without a) being completely cheesy and b) in this case, betraying everything that makes a character like Ted so appealing. Thankfully, his first line sets the whole thing up perfectly:
I'm...really not what you would call...a winner.You've got to watch the clip to appreciate the delivery. It's devestating, but it's so important for the character to say and from that point his confidence begins to rise and fall and rise and fall and it's so masterfully done. When you're rooting for a character to succeed and when his victory comes with such honesty,
that is great writing and acting, my friends. Great, great television.
All of that is to segue into
a cover of My Hero on the ukulele. I hated the ukelele when I was younger, but it's prominence in that Scrubs episode made it seem cool. For now.
And now, with no segue whatsoever, the video for
Ava Adore by
The Smashing Pumpkins. I don't know why, but I had the strong urge to watch this video recently. I mean...this is the best video of all time right? Obviously, everyone knows I get wood over long tracking shoots. That's just my thing. Now add in the fact that characters seem to be moving at different speeds and you can imagine how much planning had to go into filming. According to the Wikipedia entry, they almost gave up on it altogether. Thank God they didn't.
I have to mention that the imagery blows my mind. I honestly believe that there is no meaning to any of it and they just decided to put in whatever tableaus would look cool in a music video:
Billy Corgan making non-sensical hand motions and dressed like Nosferatu? Check.
Creepy insane asylum? Check.
D'arcy dancing around like she's on a bad acid trip? Check.
A huge doorway surrounded by upper-class socialites, armed guards, and a nun leading to an ominous red room? Check.
A bunch of people with shaved heads in a featureless, yet vaguely futuristic white area? Check.
A hall of mirrors filled with a bunch of weirdos? Check.
Rave in a car park? Check.
Sitting on steps in the rain looking sad? Check.
Orgy? Check.
Beams of light coming through holes in a wall piercing the lens? Check.
??? Check!
Seriously, this is all a video needs to be. I don't need a storyline or symbolism, just give me something that compliments the song. It probably helps that the song itself was written in a stream of thought manner. Ava Adore remains one of their most unappreciated singles, probably because the album that it came from was complete garbage. That said, Billy was really ahead of his time with this track and he correctly predicted that rock music was heading towards a more electronic sound.
Here's a link to the Bill Simmons podcast regarding Adam Carolla's movie pitch for
Pedoph-Isle (fast forward to about the 68-minute mark). I attempted to explain it over lunch, but I really don't think I did it justice. It's amazing all the movie cliches they run through, especially when you consider that these cliches are still in full force today. Highlights for me include Carolla talking about subtly pitching the idea to Jon Hamm, references to
Kramer vs. Kramer and
Mrs. Doubtfire (
a dusting of Doubtfire), Nicolas Cage as the ambiguous pedophile anti-hero, and Carolla's obsession with canopy imagery.
Finally, to give you a preview of my upcoming
Love And Basketball series, the one, the only...
Zach Randolph.
All these years, my greatest nightmare has been that someone would strike at me through my friends. Now it's coming true.
Listen, Bizarro's dead, the others are behind bars. What's to worry about?
I...I don't know. It isn't rational--it's just...well, if the nuisances from my past are coming back as killers...what happens when the killers come back?