Whoo! I just literally, this minute, won a new 1 TB external hard drive on eBay at a very reasonable price. A terabyte! A whole terabyte! I don't even know what the fuck a terabyte is! It's like a number that's beyond my current understanding - it might as well be like a bajillion bytes, I couldn't tell the difference anyway. I have to admit...it was a pretty nerve wracking experience refreshing the item page, watching the seconds tick down. I'm generally not accustomed to that much stress before lunch time. But now that I finally have somewhere to store (most of) my current MBP hoard, I'm breathing easier. And now that I've made the obligatory Malaysian bear porn joke here, we can move on to some links.

- Pac-Man furniture. This one's for you, Jess. The post misspells it as "Packman" though, which is an ignorant mistake I find just as offensive as the spelling of "Spiderman" or when people don't capitalize "WAMBAG" - you know who you are, assholes!

- Also for Jess and continuing our current tagboard discussion thread, (Milk co-star) James Franco on Zac Efron.

- Ahnuld sighting! In the next Batman movie! I have given you a misleading headline!

- Remember Emu's crazy statistics project on Magic for math class back in Berczy? Somehow that clever bastard rigged up a way to play Magic every day in math class guilt free, and even got himself a perfect grade out of it afterward. Still stands as one of the greatest accomplishments by a single human being that I have ever had the pleasure of personally witnessing. Anyway, I think having the University of New Mexico fund your visits to a strip club would be the adult equivalent to a Magic math project. All in the glorious name of Science.

- Please don't jump to any conclusions about me after my last post because of this article. I remain very insistent on my standing assertion that I am - still, now, always, and forever - not a woman.

- Found a set of weird Funny or Die videos by various, real life baseball players. Monobrow stars a number of Cubs (DeRosa, Theriot, and Dempster at the table, Soto on the couch, and Fontenot in the lobby in case you're interested) and Thunderbolt further solidifies Nick Swisher as one of my favourite players (though a .219/.332/.410 line this year was Blue-Jays-esque). I find that usually the inherent humour in watching professional athletes make an ass of themselves off the field is sufficient for these things, but these aren't actually that bad. Yeah, I laughed at the puppy line. You want to make something of it?

"'Thunderbolt?' There's no such thing as a bolt of thunder."
"In my dreams there are."

9/30/2008 11:43:00 AM | Comments (0)

"You're Beautiful. I Want To Know Everything About You."

Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

Were I the type to traverse the "blogosphere" (or whatever hip term is being used today to describe the collective consciousness of today's brave, new internet authors) or even just read today's paper, I'm sure I could find a lot of opinions and perspectives concerning yesterday's "signal cable problem" between Lawrence and Bloor station that crippled the Yonge line for several hours. I offer my unique point of view for your review.

(Let me say that I put "signal cable problem" in quotations because I don't believe that was the actual case. As I later discussed with William, the delay was undoubtedly a case of the original subway engineers having delved too greedily and too deep and unearthing some ancient, supernatural evil. For years, I have speculated that these forces are the cause of all subway delays. William refused to acknowledge this theory, preferring to wallow in blissful ignorance. I, on the other hand, eagerly await my first inevitable contact with a Balrog or some lesser fell creature.)

Last week, I was late getting to the Rogers Centre for a Blue Jays game. I'm not the most punctual person in the world, but I pride myself on being fairly reliable when it comes to being on time for things. Considering that I don't have any outstanding daily obligations, there was really no good reason for me to be late either. I had just lost track of time.

Yesterday, we were supposed to meet around 6:00 at Union so I left my house around 4:30 to make sure that I would make it with plenty of time to spare. Unfortunately, the TTC system was experiencing some kind of malfunction and I, along with thousands of other commuters that day, found myself in subterranean limbo. The atmosphere was not unlike that at a rock concert without the blaring intermission music and second hand weed smoke. Also, if the opening act took over two hours to arrive (and then proceeded to suck).

It wasn't too bad once you actually made it up to the street, which I managed to do relatively quickly by picking the correct line of traffic to follow. All in all, the proceedings weren't moving that slow at first, but after the initial launch of shuttles passed by it was a long wait for the rest of us. In typical herd fashion, people began to pour onto the street completely blocking the right hand lane. On the one hand, I don't blame them because it meant that more people could get out of the station, which I imagine only became more cluttered and hot as time went on. On the other hand, it did become inconvenient for any drivers and probably slowed things down considerably.

One unfortunate looking guy tried to be a leader by yelling at everyone to back away from the street to speed things up. He must have been standing and hollering for a good ten minutes before he finally gave up. I could barely hear him as my ears were plugged with music for almost the entire two hours. It was a relaxing time for me.

Other than that one dude, I have to say that the commuters of Toronto are generally a well-behaved, cooperative bunch. People were communicating with each other, exchanging information, helping to identify incoming shuttles...I chose to listen to music, but that's just me. At one point, one guy even stopped his car and let four commuters hop in since he was heading south anyway. It was a random, wonderful act of kindness and while only a couple of people were brave enough to clap, I like to think everybody recognized it.

With my ears occupied, my eyes were free to scan the crowd for attractive women and there were a good amount. One sticks out particularly in my mind. She was a redhead with incredible eyes. She wore a long, dark coat and had very short, yet still distinctly feminine hair. Her bone structure was absolutely immaculate and I have no doubts that she could be a part-time model. She'd probably still have to keep her normal job. In her hands looked to be some kind of binder, which for one reason or another I perceived to be related to a quality profession suggesting that she was an independent woman. The most endearing thing for me was the subtle expressions on her face, occasional looks of concern mixed with resigned amusement over the whole situation. You're beautiful, I wanted to say to her. I want to know everything about you.

In a silly and selfish way, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience even though I hated being so late. As I looked around at everyone else, I couldn't help but think about my current situation. I feel stuck. Everyone there with me, for at least a few hours, knew exactly what I was going through. It's not an entirely unpleasant place to be, "nowhere". Everyone reacts in a different way. Some people, a lot of people, were pissed off. Some cracked jokes. Some looked for another way, any other way out of this situation. I listened to my music. Like I said, silly and selfish.

After the game, I was craving a Baconator. William noted that it could be sometime before we got back uptown, so we stopped at College station to get a late dinner. While we were there, this hot girl was sitting some distance away and I noticed that she wasn't wearing underwear. How could I tell? A pinch of ass crack, that's how. I find that sort of thing completely unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I like a hint of thong. I like a woman's bare ass. But that weird in-between zone of straight-up ass crack...what is that? I informed William that this image would be useless when attempting to pleasure myself later that evening. Oddly, he offered no response.

William did offer an opinion on death near the end of the night. As our bus approached Davisville station, there was a brief stop in a tunnel as we waited for the bus in front to move on. Wouldn't this be a horrible place to die? he asked. He then explained that having your existence snuffed out in transit would be a grim and meaningless way to go. I agreed that death in transit would all but guarantee one's place in purgatory. As we continued to spout our spiritual bullshit, a man behind William reached over to tap me on the shoulder. When I looked to him, he was holding out a pamphlet that read, Do You Want To Have A Relationship With God? I politely declined, as casually as one would decline a cigarette or pepper on their steak, and business carried on as usual.

I'm so tired of spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery.
Commentary.
Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

9/26/2008 03:24:00 PM | Comments (0)

We all have one.

Its occasional appearances are unexpected and often stressful. Your disingenuous apprehension towards it fuels a deep, subconscious inner debate, of which to even recognize or acknowledge is a cause for even more distress. Nervous laughter, sweaty palms, and darting eyes herald every arrival, each of which forcibly excavates deeply buried unpleasant memories, and raw emotions of shame, fear, and regret which echo in your mind even long after it leaves again...leaving another fearful mystery as to when it will next, inevitably return. Paradoxically, we all share the fear of its arrival, yet its true nature is something so inherently unique to all of us that it is almost chillingly beautiful, inseparable from the rich tapestry of human existence and each person's own life experience.

Max's is likely Drop It While It's Hot, and I would have no doubt that even to this day, its mention to him will recall terrifying images of a dark and snowy night and a harrowing first real close brush with death. Maybe also even of the forbidding memories of the now blossoming homoerotic love that grew from the seeds planted that night between him and his only passenger, drawn together by the capricious winds of fate and the seemingly arbitrary nature of the physical world, and the dark indulgence of the survivor's guilt they shared between each other.

Mine is Kylie Minogue's 2001 #1 hit single Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

The first time was well over seven years ago, when I was still a brash young driver, confident enough in my own abilities to take risks but still not wise enough yet to appropriately weigh the consequences. Eternally cocky and angry at the world, the self-indulgent mindset of every teenage driver.

Looking to make a right turn Northbound out of a quiet residential road onto Bayview Avenue, I made one of my very first real, regrettable decisions as a driver, one that still haunts me to this day. That stretch of Bayview has a legal maximum speed limit that was and remains 60 km/h, but due to it's clear surrounding sight lines and lack of strategic positions for York Regional Police speed traps, is often treated as a 70 km/h zone...which - damn my youthful hubris - is something I was completely aware of. And yet I pressed on anyway.

The boxy, aquamarine green appearance of the van I tried to beat was initially nonthreatening and unassuming. Drunk with unbridled ambition and lured into a temporary sense of immortality by the catchy, electropop/disco stylings of one of Australia's greatest singer-songwriters of all time, I sped out of the side street I was on with no regard to human life nor oncoming traffic. It would be the last mistake I would ever make - I had overestimated the distance between the van and myself, and the resulting collision left the van's driver and six passengers dead and I was forever paralyzed from the waist down after miraculously awakening from a three week long coma.

Well, I mean, not literally. He (or she, I never actually saw the driver nor if there were any other passengers in the van) didn't actually hit me, but the brief flicker of high beams he shot me as he cut lanes and sped past me hit just as hard and hurt just as bad as any actual collision ever could have. I'm still jolted out of sleep on some nights, waking up covered in cold sweat, screaming in terror, as that catchy beat echoes in my ears, taunting me as it slowly fades out.

Over the years, it would return again and again, always just flickering on through the current radio station I had on at completely unexpected moments. And always foreshadowing some horrible near death experience (or at least close brushes with minor paint damage).

Months later, while bobbing my head again to the song (which I hadn't yet realized was the song), I was turning left off of the stop sign on Brimley to get to AL's house, and didn't see the pedestrian crossing the road. I had to suddenly brake, and sit in the middle of the intersection for two of the longest seconds of my life, like the ass I was, before eventually completing the turn. Years later on Halloween, I did it again to a group of witches and skeletons crossing Queen's Park, again with Kylie on the radio. Once I had to brake unusually hard to avoid the sudden stopping of the car in front of me while driving on some random street. Bad driver in front of me? Or was Can't Get You Out Of My Head so deeply in my own head that I just didn't notice early enough? Or was it also playing in the car in front of me, affecting the driver of that car in the same way!?! I mean I haven't actually gotten into an accident in all the years I've been driving, but it seems like it's just a matter of time.

It's gotten to the point now where I just immediately start panicking whenever it comes on. I realize now as I write that last sentence that I could just change the station...but these are things that apparently only occur to me in hindsight. Also, what if the act of changing the station itself is a brief window of vulnerability and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts? I can't risk it.

The only thing you can really do is hope it fades away in time, and becomes obscure enough that occurrences happen farther and farther apart. And if you really though about it, you could possibly reasonably pass it off to the fact that all hot songs get a lot of radio time when they first come out, and it just coincides with the probability that young drivers tend to get into more potential accidents than when they've had a couple of years of experience under their belts.

But then how do you explain what happened this morning when I heard it again on the Mix 99.9 FM (Which is "Virgin Radio" now? The eff?), panicked, and almost didn't check my blindspot while cutting lanes in my panic? Explain that! The song is eight years old now! Radio stations never play old songs! I never listen to the radio! And I never drive dangerously! I can only conclude that the coincidences here are too much to be called coincidences anymore.

This song haunts me. And it will chase me forever until it kills me.

As will your song.

Now here is Damn It Feels Good To Be A Banker: The Musical, depicting the animosity between two business units that both regularly bitchslap Technology for free.

La la la
Lala lalala
La la la
Lala lalala

9/24/2008 01:50:00 PM | Comments (0)

Are You Looking For Gino?

A Milli - Lil Wayne

True story:

I am awoken by a call at around 11:30 today from a woman who I don't know. She asks for a "Gino". If I'm not mistaken, this is not the first time that this woman has called me as that name sounds vaguely familiar and our numbers are apparently easily confused. I politely correct her and proceed with my day.

At around 1:30 later this same day, I was away from my phone and missed a call from a private number. Whoever this was did decide to leave a message and it goes something like this.

*YOU HAVE 1 UNHEARD MESSAGE*

...I fucked yo' wife!

*END OF MESSAGE*

Was this also meant for Gino? Was I talking to Gino's wife, who has apparently been
fucked? Perhaps I was speaking to Gino's mistress, who's scorned lover has now finally found the man responsible for his shame and reacted accordingly. Or it could have nothing at all to do with the mysterious Gino (if that is even his real name).

*****

We're in week 3 of the 2008-2009 NFL season and I've got nothing but football on the brain. Here is a CFL quarterback spiking a ball into own groin.

Even though I don't plan to buy Rock Band 2 myself, I have to say that I love the Hulk Hogan inspired character that I have on Max's hard drive. I just hope nobody accuses me of being a homosexual. Note Mean Gene Okerlund just losing it in this clip.

Hey, David Bowie?
Yes, Bret.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Of course, Bret, that's what I'm here for.
If a friend of yours puts a wig on you when he's lonely, pretends you're a woman, is that gay?
He's pretending you're a woman...no, that's not gay.
You sure?
Totally fine.

9/22/2008 03:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

I laughed at this picture for a good 20 minutes yesterday.

That's it, that's the post.

Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left?"
Because black people have no rights.

9/19/2008 10:45:00 AM | Comments (0)

Skills To Pay The Bills

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

Anyone who is friends with Caesar will tell you that he's not a hard guy to get along with. Keep the bullshit to a minimum, mind your business, listen to the occasional poker metaphor and everything should be fine. Now impressing Caesar, that is a whole other thing. Not that he needs to be impressed, but there's always some gratification to be taken when you can show one of your friends that you can roll with them on their terms.

On Saturday night, I had my first taste of poker winnings. $20 to be exact. It's not the money that was important, but the way everything went down.

In the first game, there were six people playing and I was doing my usual, Well, shucks, golly gee I sure do like to play the cards, hyuk hyuk! routine. It's not an act, though I do tend to oversell it a bit. The fact is that I have to warn people what a clod I can be because I hate to be the guy slowing things down at the table everytime he has to decide between a check and a call. I didn't do to well this time around (I finished fifth, I think), but there was one highlight. I actually managed to outplay Caesar on one hand. That might not sound like a big deal, but since I rarely win a decent pot without having four-of-a-kind, it was quite an achievement. This is a guy who's helped teach me to play and I actually caught him for once. He graciously acknowledged that he was outwitted and I sensed that he might have been a little proud of me. I was eliminated shortly thereafter.

The next game was even more satisfying because I didn't do much besides win one big pot early on and then steal a few here and there over the next few hours. From 1:30 in the morning until about 3:30, I might have played ten hands. That probably doesn't sound like a smart way to win it all, but I was just trying to survive. I'm used to staying up late, so while everyone else was struggling to stay awake, I was biding my time. Eventually, we decided to split the pot between the remaining players if nobody had won by 4:00. It was down to Caesar, myself and one of my cousin's friends, Said. Said wanted to win it all (and was probably hallucinating at this point) so he went all-in against Caesar and got taken out. Now it was down to just Caesar and I. It wasn't quite 4:00 yet, but Caesar said, Hey, let's just split it now. He had a slight chip lead and this game would likely have lasted another hour and I think his girlfriend was getting restless (thank you Kat!) so quickly agreed. I'm not going head-to-head with the man just yet.

He took $80 and I took $60 and that was that. I was happy to make a profit. Hell, I'm happy to play and learn. It was really satisfying to be in the final two with Caesar though. As we shook hands, I felt that rare, wonderful feeling that is mutual respect.

That feeling was soon trumped by the realization that nobody got tickets for parking on the street.

*****

The next day, William, Caesar, Jonathan (Caesar's brother) and I were all involved in our softball league's "Skills Day". What this is comprised of is several events (fastest around the bases, most accurate throw, home run competition, etc.) preceded by a Skills Game. Now I prefer to call the Skills Game the "Sunday Night Slo-Pitch All-Star Game 2008", especially when you consider the fact that you had to make sure to checkmark a box on their website to get in. A box! ON THEIR WEBSITE!

Whatever.

William and I both participated in SNSPASG08 and for the sake of parity, we were placed on opposite teams. I can honestly say that we did not embarass ourselves and in fact, we did the Seppuku Squeeze colours proud. I had two solid hits and scored twice, while William also recorded two hits including a game tying bomb out to centre field. We also both struck out, though that was only due to a bizarre strike-out rule they implemented that day that isn't even worth explaining.

After I came in to score a second time, I nodded my head to Caesar who was watching in the stands. He had a look on his face like I'd just taken a poker hand from him.

The skills competitions themselves were okay. William did a really good job rounding the bases, coming in second if I recall correctly. We were both non-factors in the fastest to first base competition and I went 1 for 5 in the most accurate throw competition, which is actually better than it sounds. I did air mail one over the fence though...eeeeeh...

Caesar and Jon did the home run competition and it was undoubtedly the WORST home run derby ever. It was nobody's fault. Torrential rain began to come down around the time the derby started and it was impossible for any of the balls to fly more than 30 or 40 feet. They were soaked, so even the sweetest swings sounded like someone was smacking a sponge. Even if you had the juice to put one in the air, the ball would quickly be grabbed by the wind and thrown back to the grass. It was ugly. Not a single ball cleared the fence.

In my infinite wisdom, I volunteered to gather fly balls because I didn't want to just stand around and get wet. Well, since there was nothing to catch, I just stood around and got wet. Still, it was actually a comfortable day aside from the rain and as I stood in the drenched outfield grass watching the worst home run derby ever, I had the kind of experience that only I could find cathartic.

Now the funny story. Since the parking lot was all the way on the other side of the park, most of the softball participants parked on the side of the road by the diamond. An accident waiting to happen, right? Right. Shortly after William left, the van that was parked behind him got hit by someone going through a light too quickly. Witnesses say he skidded about twenty feet (the rain, remember?). Thankfully, everyone was fine, though the driver probably wishes that he was knocked unconscious because the owners of the van gave him a good cussing out I'm sure.

Here's the crazy part: About an hour and a half later, the driver of the offending car gets a call from his mother. It turns out she got into an accident herself and was now calling her son to come and help her out. What a day, eh?

*****

When I read this story about Vince Young...

...it immediately brought this infamous scene to mind.

Of course, Billy Cole is a wide receiver and Vince Young is a quarterback, but that's semantics. Who wouldn't be scared of playing with this guy right now? Seriously, if I'm a defensive back and I see Vince Young scramble out of the pocket and charge in my direction, I'm just going to get out of the way. Ain't life a bitch, indeed.

On a kind of related to football note, if you caught monday night's Eagles-Cowboys matchup, you would have had front row seats to a young pop star's career going down in flames. The otherwise comely "20 year old pop sensation Kat DeLuna" (that's the PA guy's words, not mine) straight up murders The Star Spangled Banner. Once the diva hand motions began, I got the most sour look on my face. This is going to be bad, I thought. By the end, she was even doing the "point upwards while modulating her voice" schtick. Classic! I normally don't enjoy the failure of others, especially someone so young, but the pretentious, arrogant way that she performed the song deserved the violent response that the crowd gave her. The national anthem is not about you, DeLuna! On a cold summer's night, the venom spewed by these noble Texans warmed this one's belly.

I got you a present.
You're kidding.
Yeah, for fixing things up with me and Ricky. I know that he can be really rough.
That was completely unnecessary. Very sweet, but completely unnecessary.
You didn't want a blowjob so the least I could do is get you a tie.

9/16/2008 03:07:00 PM | Comments (0)

Today's misogynistic post is brought to you by the women's studies department of the Sacramento State University.

Required reading for this post will be this article, about a 22 year-old college student auctioning off her virginity to pay for her tuition. For those legally inclined, since it will be arranged through a prominent brothel in the great state of Nevada, it's not actually illegal.

I can't think of a better way to waste money than buying this girl's supposed virginity so that she can pursue a master's degree in women's studies. I mean...really? Women's studies? And an undergraduate degree isn't enough?

I mean even if you just burned all that money, it could still potentially provide warmth on a cold winter day or a really pimp way to light a cigarette. How the fuck is a bimbo with a master's degree in women's studies going to benefit society? Finding more ways to blame men for all the evils in the world? But how could she teach anyone else about it if she's too busy holding a dick in her mouth all the time?

Yeah, that's exactly what the world needs; more clueless paradoxical feminist whores who think prostitution is "empowering," sucking up precious oxygen from the same atmosphere I breathe from, while wildly overrating their own hotness. I don't know if I would as far to say she was ugly...but I would not find it totally inappropriate to venture that Sac State probably has some highly affordable tuition payment plans.

Wow, I am hateful today. Thank God my girlfriend doesn't know about this site.

Tomorrow's agenda: the gays and the Chinese!

Fuckin' whore.

9/15/2008 03:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

Links!

1) Boats n Hoes
Droppin' some more hot rap videos for you. This one featuring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.

2) Ludacris' Rap Map
A map kindly showing us where Ludacris' hoes are located.

3) Top 10 Most Difficult Games
Ninja Gaiden's level 7 boss still haunts me to this day. Nearly broke a controller and I most definitely swore loud enough to wake the dead.

9/12/2008 10:54:00 PM | Comments (0)

Staccato

The Fake Headlines - The New Pornographers

It is hell of a thing when you are suddenly forced to realize what a minor figure you are in someone else's life. Or that the part you play in their show is not the part you want.

Gary is a musical genius. You know someone is gifted when you can walk up them, tell them to invent some musical interludes based on the song Mass Romantic and he just cranks them out as easy as you and I (well, you) make pancakes.

Here's a unique statistic. The Toronto Blue Jays record over the last 12 games when we all watch the games by ourselves was 11-0. Their record over the last 12 games when I decide to have William over to watch the game because I though it might be "fun" is 0-1. We won't be having any of that anymore.

Last weekend had to be the perfect weekend. Friday night in Ajax until one in the morning beating Castle Crashers. Five games of softball on Saturday. Spent all of Sunday watching football. To quote a great Frenchman, Life don't get much betta den' dis'.

If you've never read Orbiter by Warren Ellis...well, you should.

The worst thing someone could say to me during a disagreement is, Oh what, you think you're better than me? because I truly believe that I am.

I went down to my basement to get some cereal and I was extremely excited to find a box of Frosted Flakes. The fact that the best before date was well over a year ago did nothing to diminish this feeling. Is that wrong?

With Rock Band 2 coming out this weekend, I've been doing some research to prepare myself (read: listening to a lot of music). The designers made the brilliant decision to put Chop Suey! in there, which according to the official rankings is a difficult vocal track. I'm not worried. I should do better than Avril anyway.

An actual conversation between my father and I:

It looks like Gary's finally going to bring his girlfriend around to meet us this Saturday.
Gary has a girlfriend?
Yeah, but there's a chance that he's just making the whole thing up. He's always had a twisted sense of humour. It could all be an elaborate ruse.
What could he possibly gain from lying to you?
That's what I want to know!

It's my father's birthday today and, like me, he doesn't like to make a big deal out of it. There is no chance that he is going to read this, so I will just use this space to say Happy Birthday Dad! and watch my sentiment ascend into the ether.

Ever since William posted that Glengarry Glen Ross link, I haven't been able to get over Alec Baldwin yelling at Jack Lemmon. The leads are weak? The FUCKING leads are weak? You're weak. The tragedy is that there is just no way for me to fit that line into everyday conversation. Perhaps if I replaced the word "leads". Look, just don't use the word "weak" around me anytime soon, okay? You've been warned.

I'm said it once before, but it bears repeating now. Depending on the time and the place and the company, we're all three people. The person you are, the person you think you are and the person you want to be. As I languish in the void that is not being employed or enrolled I struggle to find context for that deeply personal mantra.

A nun, a rabbi, a minister and a monk walk into a bar. And the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

9/12/2008 12:08:00 PM | Comments (0)

I bring to you two trailers.

1) The Soloist
How badly does Jamie Foxx want that second Oscar?

2) Quantum of Solace
Bloody hell this new trailer is the bomb. I still think the title of this new Bond flick is dumb.

More links!

3) Real-life Parappa
He drops some hot lava here.
"Under your arm you've got a purse. It's a nice day to not be in a hearse."

4) Gears of War 2 : Lancer Bundle
Oh god I want this. How long do you think it'll take for some white kid to mod this toy with a real working chainsaw and then subsequently saw his little brother in half?

5) Guitar Hero 3 : "DragonForce" world record
FAKE! But yeah, this guy is pretty good.

9/11/2008 11:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

First Person

Paper Planes - M.I.A.

You know, I had this great idea for a post that would give you guys some perspective on what my day to day life is like. It went something like this:

*brrring brrring* Uhh... *brrring brrring* Oh, what the fuck is that? Is my cell ringing? Is someone calling me? *brrring brrring* My phone alarm. People know better than to call me at this time. 9:30? What? Did I set that? *mumble, grumble*

Turn the television on. Baseball highlights. Man, baseball is so exciting. I love when...the guy throws...swing...zzzzzz...

Zzzzzzz...

*brrring brrring* 10:00? Did I set that? Outsmarted myself. *sigh* Fuck. Gotta pee. Just get off the couch. GET OFF THE COUCH. I can't...I can't...oh shit, offseason hockey news. Okay, I'm up! Must pee. Then everything will be okay.

Breakfast. I knew there was a reason I started getting up early again. Damn, these Mini Wheats went fast. Whose been eating them besides me? I bet my dad has been eating them. I hate that guy.

Loading up MVP Baseball 2005 on my PS2. Can't start the day without a game of MVP. Rituals are important.

Did I shower today? I better shower. It's already 5:00 in the afternoon. What's the point? I feel sticky. Okay, I know this is going to look strange, showering in the late afternoon and I'm not even going out tonight. Let's see...clothes, clothes...these jeans are on their third day, so no big waste there. This t-shirt has two professional wrestlers on it. I'm good to go.

And so on and so forth. I began to run out of material and in retrospect, the whole exercise was a bit morbid (so what else is new, right?). The other problem that comes up everytime I consider doing one of these gimmick posts is that I find myself beholden to them. So since I couldn't finish this post, I couldn't post anything else until it was finished. Well, F that. Here's a bunch of overcooked links.

People ask me why I still play MVP Baseball 2005, a four year old baseball game. Well, there are certain glitches in today's games that I find off-putting.

Like I said, this post began a few months ago, when people actually gave a crap about that ridiculous and played out film, The Dark Knight. In all seriousness, I still haven't figured out where it ranks on my list of superhero flicks. I'm not even sure what my favourite one is. Regardless, this was a superb film and my only lament that Christian Bale doesn't get as much love as he should. Maybe it's because of his audience polarizing Batman voice that he does or because Heath Ledger was just that damn good, but Bale is a super pimp and should be recognized as such. Perhaps his work as Jum Jum would change people's minds.

Also, The Dark Knight with Team Fortress 2 characters.

I applaud the others for finding the hottest trailers (like A Day In The Life for example) and sharing them with the rest of us, but don't you think that's a little too easy? I, for one, think that we should make an effort to post trailers for movies that we will never, ever have any urge to see. I offer Heather Graham (with a British accent!) in Miss Conception.

The worst dunks ever. Some of these are classics, but there are some amateur ones that I think are pretty good. To paraphrase William, "Guess the race of the guys featured in the home videos."

Max found this but, as usual, was too lazy to post it. So I'm doing it for him. Damn it. Is this old news now? Ah, who cares, it's still awesome. Feist on Sesame Street. I'll admit that the whole thing is a bit obvious, but it's freakin' Feist on Sesame Street! You've come a long way, baby.

Also from the "Max is a lazy ass" department and the "I should have just posted this link by itself months ago" department: Will Ferrell at the ESPYs.

To celebrate the release of Will Wright's latest opus, Spore, let's all enjoy this Penis Monster.

Just in time for the Olymp...oh wait, it's September. Ah well, I thought this Michael Phelps cartoon was amusing.

Kid gets kicked in the balls while sleeping. That is all.

Lastly, I have to say that there are pros and cons to hanging out with such a diverse group of people. I, myself am someone who has a variety of tastes and it is always good to be able to indulge in one's vices while at the same time enjoying the company of others. So whether I want to nerd out or observe an exciting sporting event, I have my options. My only lament is that it is often difficult to bring these disparate groups together. Regardless, I shall attempt to do so. In recognition of my old love of card games and my new love of mixed martial arts, I present to you a Kimbo Slice Magic card. Group hug.

*Whoo* Okay, we can do better than that. That post was a metaphorical emptying of the dust pan. Onwards and upwards.

Everything is so fragile. There's so much conflict, so much pain...you keep waiting for the dust to settle and then you realize this is it; the dust is your life going on. If happy comes along, that weird, unbearable delight that's actually happy--I think you have to grab it while you can. You take what you can get. 'Cause it's here, and then...gone.

9/08/2008 11:36:00 AM | Comments (0)

Can't stop. Won't stop. Ah uh, ah uh.

- I'm still giggling like a little school girl at how much movie Piccolo looks like Ivan Ooze, so hopefully the new GOBOTS movie will be just as good.

- Weird commercial for Hellboy II featuring Hellboy on Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton. Good movie, you should watch it.

- A new study has apparently found that watermelons contain high levels of the antioxidant lycopene and also have numerous other health benefits, like improving blood flow and increasing libido. That would explain some things.

- Random watermelon tangent here: when I was little, my parents used to tell me that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, a whole watermelon tree would grow out of my stomach like with Wolverine in The Fountain. So I got pretty freaked out when I first swallowed a seed (no homo). I don't even know why they would tell me something that was so horrible and so blatantly false as well. What asshole parents I had.

- So I was reading this article about how the New York Yankee's Jason Giambi got hurt losing a bout with a bathroom door, and I got to thinking...if this happened to like an NFL or NBA player, I would never believe that was all there was to the story. Like if it happened to Pacman Jones, Ruben Patterson, or even Kobe Bryant or something, I'd assume it was the result of like a kinky sex injury, involving some overly aggressive foreplay. But baseball players have the most bizarre injuries, and so I'm at the point where I will actually take any baseball injury reports at face value. Just a couple off the top of my head (I'm sure you could find a whole bunch more detailed and weirder incidents just by Googling "weird baseball injuries") include...

- Clint Barmes having his great rookie season interrupted by falling down and breaking his collarbone while trying to lug frozen deer meat (that teammate Todd Helton had given him) up some stairs.

- Adam Eaton, in his rookie season, accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach with a knife while trying to cut open the wrapping on a new DVD.

- Sammy Sosa once sat out a game with back spasms that were caused by sneezing.

- Joel Zumaya sat out the 2006 ALCS because of a sore wrist caused by playing too much Guitar Hero.

- Nolan Ryan, known as the toughest motherfucker in all professional sports history, apparently once missed a start because a fucking coyote bit him.

- Former Blue Jay Glenallen Hill (and also one of the players named in the Mitchell Report) - who had an severe case of arachnophobia - once landed on the disabled list by being violently jolted out bed in his own home while having a nightmare about spiders crawling all over his body, smashed through a coffee table and crawled through the shards of glass on his hands and knees, only to fall down a staircase.

- Rocco Baldelli missed 116 games this year because of mysterious and still undiagnosed "metabolic and/or mitochondrial abnormalities" that would cause extreme fatigue after a very short period of physical activity.

And finally the famous Vince Coleman, a great outfielder on the St. Louis Cardinals in the late 80's, who had to sit out the entire 1985 World Series because an automatic tarp rolling machine rolled over his leg during stretching exercises before one game during the NLCS. He also injured star pitcher Dwight Gooden's arm by accidentally hitting him with a golf club while practicing his golf swing in the locker room when he was on the Mets in 1993, and was also arrested that year for throwing lit firecrackers into a crowd of children waiting for autographs. They traded him to Kansas City at the end of the year.

- On a completely unrelated matter...I'm going to be like Mike and hold a cigar in my mouth all throughout every one of our playoff games this Saturday. Surely nothing bad will come of this.

"Bats - they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come."
"You know, you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff."
"Shit, Harris..."
"Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball."
"You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

9/05/2008 02:15:00 PM | Comments (0)

Rapper Sticky Fingaz has apparently written a full length hip-hop rap musical called A Day In The Life. Something that again, no one opted to inform me about. This is important news!

This is the trailer, which features a surprising about of big name, respectable actors. I'm telling you right now so that you aren't surprised by it like I was - you will never be able to shake the feeling that this is all some elaborate, poorly done joke. It's like a bad MadTV skit...only I really think this is actually real.

Even the ending montage with all the quick cuts is like 20 seconds too long. It's fantastic!

Critics are calling it the "hip-hop Sopranos"...

9/04/2008 11:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

Chrome's pretty neat so far, isn't it? All this whole multi-threaded JavaScript engine, WebKit rendering, and application Task Manager stuff is wicked cool...but honestly I'm just here for the built-in incognito feature (aka "Porn Mode"). It's a quick little bastard too, isn't it?

Let's move on to the links.

- How come I've never heard about Seth Rogan starring in a new Kevin Smith movie until today? It's coming out in a month! How come I ended up finding out about it from my new favourite best friend TrailerAddict.com, instead of my actual, real life friends? If no one's pointing out these developments to me, then honestly, why do I still associate with you people? What possible other value or contributions to you attribute to my life!?! God, come on! (Seriously though Trailer Addict is awesome, I can't believe I only found out about it yesterday.) I am also honestly a little bit surprised that the trailer doesn't even mention Kevin Smith's name, except for the very last screen for like half a second. How different life was back then when just the mention of his name was enough to sell anything like hotcakes (ie. comics - still waiting for the rest of Dardevil/Bullseye: The Target, asshole!)...and now I'm wondering if it they purposely decided not to mention it because it'd actually carry some negative marketing stigma. What a brave new world it is now.

- And also...John Cho is Sulu!?! What the fuck!?! No one tells me shit! What is the purpose of having friends if they aren't going to tell you that the young version of everybody's favourite homosexual Asian starship helmsman is going to be played by Harold? I just feel so betrayed right now.

- I got a bit of a movie thing going lately, so one more here...check out these Watchmen movie posters overlaid with actual panels from the comic. Just like with Sin City. I have no idea how this will translate to critical or commercial success in the movie...but it appeals to me at a very base, fanboy level. It surprises me a bit to realize that I will actually be disappointed if we aren't treated to some glowing blue full frontal nudity in the movie. The comics have truly spoiled me in this sense...among others.

- I lied. Last one here. For serious this time. Dragonball stills featuring Piccolo have been leaked apparently, and right in line with all of the other pictures I've seen from this movie so far...it is gloriously terrible looking. Looks a bit more like Frieza than Piccolo (you know, what with the lack of green and all that) but the important thing is that it looks absolutely horrible. I'm honestly getting more excited about this movie as I get more details about it. I seriously cannot wait for the actual trailer now...the suspense is killing me. Can you imagine watching this opening day weekend with a theatre full of Dragonball fanboys (of which in the world there exist none under the age of 27)? It would be like a glowingly glorious paradise, a sort of ultimate nirvana for terrible movie experiences. God, I can't wait.

- The next stage in bling...contact lenses lined with Swarovski crystals. That shit be ballin' like Kobe versus a 12 year-old. Next stage: crystal eyes.

- It's supposed to be announced today at 5:00, but everyone already knows that the new NBA franchise is going to be the Oklahoma City Thunder, complete with uninspired WNBA looking logo and colours. I closed the window with the picture in it five seconds ago, and I've already forgotten everything about how the logo looks or even what colours are in it. Not the greatest triumph of marketing there. I personally would have gone with the Barons or the Bandits. Though there is something nice about how the "Oklahoma City Bombers" sounds.

It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!

9/03/2008 05:56:00 PM | Comments (0)

Don LaFontaine, the "King of Voiceovers", has passed away at age 68. One of the greatest joys of my life has always been enjoying movie trailers, and so it brings me great sadness that a man so inherently part of the genre will no longer be part of it. (...ironically, neither of the two trailers I just linked to features a voiceover by Mr. LaFontaine.)

As a meager tribute to his staggering and unquantifiable contributions to the art of movie trailers, I dug through the archives to find a link that did a good job in capturing a lot of the elements that are responsible for making a great movie trailer great. Yes, that's right...it's time to revisit the trailer for Lost in Translation.

I also thought this trailer for Surfer, Dude was a fictional mock-up parody trailer...but turns out it's an actual movie! Matthew McConaughey as a clueless surfer deity that spends the entire movie shirtless and whose every other word is "dude?" ...with Woddy Harrelson and Willie Nelson high on weed the entire time to round it out!?! God, there's no way I won't watch this movie. (Bonus bit: One version of this trailer on YouTube has a comment that reads "Looks different, but good." That comment currently has a -4 rating. Actually, now -5 after me.)

Also, as long as I'm here, I want to point you towards Sex Drive, which features Clark Duke, Cyclops, and apparently Van Damme's Lyon Gaultier character from Lionheart as the main character's mental voice of reason. Good stuff.

Though...I can't help but feel as though they ripped a lot of this material from Project Artemis though, especially all of Clark's lines. There's a rat on our team.

"Now...somewhere...somehow...someone's...gonna pay." (Goosebumps!)

Thanks for the memories, Don.

MURRRRDOCCCCKKKKK!

9/02/2008 11:36:00 AM | Comments (0)