On the topic of Conan guests, here's Fred Simmons, Tae Kwon Do instructor.

Edit 2: New link should work now.

Brilliant.

Addendum! Also, here's the new Get Smart trailer.

2/27/2008 08:51:00 PM | Comments (1)

So hopefully we're all settled out here, and moving forward I think we'll just keep it simple and just keep the whole operation on the index page. That is, as long as you hit up just plain vanilla WAMBAG.COM, you'll find our page. So whenever we make the switch to the new space, there won't be a new address or a blog.php page or whatever to redirect to. It's more professional that way, and we are nothing if not professional.

Quick anecdote before we continue...this morning, I set out a new plain white t-shirt on my bed to wear for work right before getting into my pair of slacks. However, when I turned around, I had lost track of which of the two plain white t-shirts was the new one I was planning to wear to work today, and which was the plain white t-shirt I had just slept all night in (both were somewhat wrinkly, as I sometimes find it unnecessary to iron my undershirts). Realizing that the only logical way to distinguish between the two would be to detect the fading traces of body heat on the shirt I had slept in all night, I quickly got right to it. Unfortunately, it was this very moment my mom decided to pop in to ask me if I was coming home that night for dinner...and she walked in on me bent over my bed shirtless, with a white t-shirt in each hand, rubbing them against my lips (as those are among your most sensitive touch organs). I couldn't really suitably explain what I was doing, so it was kind of an awkward moment to start the day with.

Anyway.

WAMBAG.COM should now be pointing you to our lovely temporary home on Blogspot, although the change may not have been properly propagated to all the DNS name servers out there (apparently it could take as long as 48 hours) and thus you might still see the "account suspended" page depending on who your friendly neighbourhood Internet Service Provider is. If you have been able to join us on the other side, please feel free to use the new comment system to tell me how much of a fag I am. I think it's still pretty ghetto how it redirects you to that other page, and I'm wondering if I can jury rig it to my own liking, but in the meanwhile we'll give it a floor run, see if it plays.

Unfortunately at this point, our tagboard is completely dead, and I haven't really spent the time to figure out how to get the archive pages up and running so we're still not at 100%. However since no one actually cares about that stuff, I guess we're okay then.

Let's get back to it then, shall we?

Here's Will Arnett's latest appearance on Conan - they're always ridiculous together, and this is no exception. Part one and part two - get them before NBC gets them pulled from YouTube. I like how he legitimizes the hilarity of that hobo bit we've been using for years by using it himself to great effect. I can do nothing but applaud that man. Also, the GAP ads - great stuff.
EDIT: Nevermind, all you get is this clip. The appearance was this past Monday, February 25th, so either torrent it or find an NBC.com video of it or whatever. It's worth the trouble.

It ain't easy being white
It ain't easy being brown
All this pressure to be bright
I got children all over town

2/27/2008 10:17:00 AM | Comments (1)

We've been online for over five years now, with just over three of those on our own domain name and externally hosted webspace. And out of those three years...we've only really paid for one of them. ShieldHost has been our host for the last three years, the original reason being that they were dirt cheap. Three bucks a month for five gigs of space (which we actually got kind of close to a couple times when we started using it as a file server for illegally downloaded mp3's, Malaysian bear porn, and etc.), full PHP and a MySQL database (which enabled us to power our own crappy tagboard internally) to boot...that's a pretty good price for so many toys to play with.

Even better was that you only needed to pay for one year, and then they would proceed to lose all your account information, yet still somehow keep maintaining your website for over two years, all the while ignoring all email inquiries and pretending that you didn't exist. I've literally begged them to tell me how to pay them money many times over the years, just because I didn't want them to erase all our stuff and I would have to set everything up again. Never once heard back from them, and so I was content just to let things work themselves out.

Thus, I've actually been living with this hanging over my head the last two years, just waiting for this day to come. And I guess now it has.

We have contingencies of course, but they take some time to get rolling. We still have the actual domain name hosted separately and of course Blogger holds all our posts and enables us to publish to their own hosted space...but it takes roughly 24 to 48 hours to repoint the .com over to there. So right now...until the changes go through, the regular WAMBAG.COM address just sports an "account suspended" page - which is probably what all of you are looking at right now - and this post is only viewable at wambag.blogspot.com. But hopefully everything clears tomorrow and we still have a functioning WAMBAG.COM plaguing the internet.

Unfortunately, the tagboard and its illustrious history are forever lost (unless we resign with ShieldHost and they're somehow able to restore the database...but that is not really my preference at this time) and so I'm thinking we might go back to the comment system, and do a back to basics type thing now that we've had the opportunity to do so forced upon us. Or maybe just visitor input altogether, which is what I'm actually leaning towards right now.

I've been regularly backing up the entire site since that first year, so all the layouts and stuff would still be ready to roll out as soon as this is sorted out...but if I use this as an opportunity to put up a new layout or something, just don't be particularly surprised. (This time around, I'm thinking...Nazi swastika theme.)

"You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site."
"Yea, but it doesn't actually show dick going in, which is a huge concern."
"Right, I didn't realize that."

2/25/2008 10:30:00 AM | Comments (2)

Some bits and pieces assembled over the course of a lazy work week, part of an award-winning series I like to call Choking Yak's Provoking Facts...

- HIGH-FIVE! and its sequel HIGH-FIVE HOLLYWOOD! White people love high-fives...SEGUEWAY!

- So regarding Stuff White People Like...great stuff, and subject of recent discussions (like...one discussion) as to who the author is. Let's take some time to break down the facts we have available to us, frankly because I'm pretty much out of ideas about what to post about, and I got nothing better to do.

Common references to Canadian cities, and most notably mentioning Halifax without specifying it as Halifax, Nova Scotia (like Americans would know what the hell a "Halifax" is) in the Juno entry would suggest a Canadian author.

Clicking on the post author "clander"'s name links to a bizarre personal blog regarding a NCAA Arizona Wildcats video game franchise...which would largely eliminate the possibility of a female author. Also, the line "Making LA part of the GTA" at the top of the site makes us unsure whether he's got Los Angeles roots or Toronto roots...though now we are sure that he's got both. Maybe he lives in one city and went to school in the other?

Reasoning suggests that the author is too well spoken and devoid of Unbridled Negro Rage to be black (racism high five!) or really anything other than white or Asian. Though the lack of racial anger and jealousy in the posts prompted me to eliminate the possibility of an Asian man writing that stuff, and the overall general emotional detachment would further eliminate the possibility of a female writer.

So. We have...one white male with ties to both Los Angeles and Toronto posting under the tag "clander". Good stuff.

Of course, a much easier way to figure this all out would be just to check out the links to "Jess's Photos" on the sidebar, which links to a Flickr account named "jslander"...which likely means a sister or wife, both with the surname Lander. Some more expert e-stalking reveals our author to be one Christian Lander, seen here enjoying a meal of ramen noodles. Studied at the University of Toronto, and currently lives in a house with his wife Jess (lovely wedding pictures here) in Culver City, California.

With the assistance of the online Culver City phone directory, his personal number might probably be 310-475-1624.

This is why you generally want to avoid leaving personal details of yourself online, if you don't like having this information accessible to random strangers. That's a tip from me, William Cheng, that I hope my fellow WAMBAGGERS Alex Lee, Max Wong, Brian Liu, and Gary Yim will listen closely to as well.

Fortunately for all the names mentioned...no one actually visits our site.

- To all of you that engage in the time honoured tradition of playing fantasy baseball every year (so...me...and...me alone), you might want to consider dropping Prince Fielder a couple spots in your draft rankings as he prepares for this upcoming season by becoming a vegan. This is Prince Fielder, by the way - a guy that slugged .618 on his way to becoming the youngest player ever to hit 50 home runs in a season.

He is also one of my favourite players, and I model my power game after him - just a cursory glance will reveal how similar our body types are, nevermind the similarity between our games. And we're both going to be wearing #28 this upcoming season, so GET HYPE.

I remain worried that my hitting won't carry over into slo-pitch though...I guess I might not be able to maintain a batting average in the .700's like in our beginner's self-pitch-softball-co-ed-rec league last year.

- One of the ways I can assist myself in modeling my game more like Prince Fielder's...eat a couple of these. By the way, if you're not into watching guys slip giant condoms on bull penises that are as big as my arm (which is a valid, acceptable sentiment)...then I'd suggest you duck out of there once they start talking about the logistics of selective breeding.

"It's funny, I don't remember creating a Facebook profile."
"Well, you were probably drunk, or high, or having gay sex with Manta Rays. It says here those are your hobbies."

2/23/2008 12:47:00 PM | Comments (3)

Whatever, Whatever

Detroit Rock City - Kiss

There was a point over the weekend when I was taking a break from Rock Band and listening to Max, William, Jess and Max's friend David play Wonderwall that I suddenly found myself enjoying that song as much as I did when I first heard it years ago. You know what parts always get me?

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
and
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

I used to agonize over those lyrics when I was younger. The simplicity appealed to me and I'm sure I was pining over some girl or another back then. Even though I prefer Noel, Liam really nails those lines on the record making them so much more than your usual love song epithets. So there I was in Ajax, playing audience to an artificial rendition of the song and perfectly recalling what it was like to be twelve years old and in love. The feeling does not escape me now.

*****

As the time draws nearer to my parents going away to Japan to visit my brother, my mother insists more and more that I develop some basic domestic skills to take care of myself. She tells me that the Magic Clothes Faeries who gather my garments and render them clean will mysteriously disappear and that the Kitchen Gnomes will no longer be leaving me fresh plates of steak and warm pies when the clock strikes seven. I have taken her warnings into consideration, as outlandish as they may seem.

*****

I was watching American Idol with my dad the other day and had to stifle a laugh as Paula Abdul described a contestant's style as "dope". I thought to myself, "God, is there anything lamer than an old white woman calling something dope?" Before I could make this remark to my father, he nodded his head in agreement with Paula and said, "Very dope."

*****

Yet another link dedicated to the love of my life, Gina "Crush" Carano. While these 5 reasons I have a crush on Crush aren't particularly clever, you might notice that the website has a unique fanbase that makes this blog worth reading. That's right. Crush ain't just hot. She's lesbian hot.

Hey, remember those awesome Darkstalkers video games? Here are some highlights from the decidedly un-awesome (or perhaps even awesomer) Darkstalkers cartoon. The description on the page says it all. Thank God I was never that into this series. Bonus: Inexplicable Arnold Schwarzenegger joke around 7:20.

Damn it, I should go to sleep.

The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.
I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

2/22/2008 12:22:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is a stupid YouTube video called Under The Tusken Sun. It's Star Wars humour, so beware. Though to be honest, it's barely even that - there's just ONE gag throughout the entire thing...and yet I can't help but laugh, it's so beautiful in its simplicity.

The Sand People are easily frightened but will return in greater numbers...

2/21/2008 12:18:00 AM | Comments (0)

Life In Lo-Def

Gotta Eat - Lupe Fiasco

When I'm going about my daily business, there's really no good reason for me to not be wearing my glasses. I get around fine, but everything is so much crisper and clearer that it's a mystery as to why I ever take them off. Sometimes it's better to blur things, I say. If I'm walking down the street, it isn't important for me to be able to make out every stranger's facial features. When I'm at work, I don't need to be able to see what's going on outside my window any better. It might sound strange, but there are moments where I prefer my life in low definition.

*****

Work goes on and on and my relationship with my trainer really hasn't improved. One second he'll seem nice and then I'll ask him a question and *poof* I'm an idiot again. At one point he asked me, and I quote, "What is going through your fucking brain?" While that may seem humorous to you, I found the comment discouraging. There are good days and bad, which is apparently how work is for everyone. I remain unsatisfied.

I have a lot on my mind, but nothing I feel like writing about for now. Let's move on to the links, shall we?

*****

By the numbers, Emmitt Smith is the greatest NFL running back ever. By the sound bites, he's also the dumbest human being ever.

I was watching that Natalie Portman on Sesame Street clip that William put up a while ago and was inspired to hunt down this clip of the equally hot Robert DeNiro on Sesame Street. The ending chilled me to my core.

A solid, solid review of music video games (not rhythm games, video games with music licenses). I can't believe this only has a few hundred views. It's long, but show some love (at least for the Moonwalker section).

And while I'm still on my video games review riff, I found a guy who does parodies of angry video game reviewers (specifically some rip-off artist named "Irategamer"). This review of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! contains two instances of a joke (around the middle and the end) which I will apparently never get tired of.

We're only a month away from March Madness, so here's a collection of Gus Johnson calls courtesy of CBS. I know it's been said a million times, but if you watch sports and this guy doesn't get you excited you must be dead. Loose ball...Smith...picks it up! Finds Clark! Here comes the pain!

For absolutely no reason, the video for Bruce Springsteen's Dancing In The Dark. The simplistic drums. The dancing. Courteney Cox. The complete musical slap in the face to all of his fans. The dancing...the dancing...

Hey, look at me I'm a cabbage! Good source of riboflavin.

2/18/2008 08:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

Quick three hit combo, to keep it rolling.

- So Be Kind Rewind is Michel Gondry's new movie with Jack Black and Mos Def about how some guys film their own version of some movies and blah blah blah yeah yeah yeah. Whatever. Now this is one of the craziest things I have ever seen - Michel Gondry filming his own version of the trailer...of his own movie...which is about guys that film their own versions of other movies. Friday, February 22nd - can't wait.

- Stuff White People Like. I've gone through maybe like 75% of it so far, and it's absolutely fantastic. Again, another thing that bums me out because I wished I thought of it first.

- Truck Bearing Kibble is a weekly webcomic that is essentially just PBF but in higher resolution, and just as morbid/good. I think this one is my favourite.

Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?

2/15/2008 03:10:00 PM | Comments (0)

What is the internet equivalent for "hot off the press?" You know, because presses aren't really involved when you're dealing with the internet...would it be like "hot off the internet?" Though in that case, "hot" would be more of a metaphorical or slang thing rather than freshly printed newspapers being actually, literally infused with heat from the recent printing process they just went through before being picked up off the presses...so I guess it would still work.

Hot off the internet!

Here is the latest movie trailer I'm infatuated with - Pineapple Express, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco, along with a whole bunch of other familiar faces including promising comedy prospect Craig Robinson (aka Darryl). This is probably the funniest trailer I've seen since the ones for Anchorman - the "that is good weed" and "I like scotch" parallels are just too prominent to ignore. And James Franco by the way, is turning out to be a pretty funny guy even on just the strength of this trailer and his bit in Knocked Up.

Was watching this just now at my desk at work, and I actually had to physically clamp down on my mouth to avoid laughing. And it may surprise you, but that very rarely happens - I don't mean to be boastful, but I like to think I have a pretty good handle on my laugh reflex whenever necessary.

...I don't know, what other meaningless garbage can I type up here to pad out this single link post? This should probably do it, right? There's gotta be like...I don't know, like five thousand words here already, right? Okey doke!

It's like...God's vagina.

2/14/2008 02:42:00 PM | Comments (0)

I call this segment of our show Choking Yak's Provoking Facts. Because I am gay.

- I play Only In Dreams on my phone as my alarm in the morning not so much because the song's so fitting to wake up from, but mainly because it gives me like a deliciously long eight minutes to wake up and get out of bed. Anyway, today I hit the five minute snooze on it...but Windows Mobile crashed on my phone, and the alarm never came back. I woke up on my own like half an hour later, and I had to pull the battery out and everything for a hard reboot...it was not cool. I'm trying to think of something that trumps it, but right now I think that's pretty much the worst and most pathetic excuse that I've ever had for being late for work.

Only no one cares when I come in and I doubt anyone actually even really knows I'm alive. So no biggie.

- During that additional half hour of sleep, I was dreaming that I lived so close to work that it was only a ten minute drive to commute there. I felt wonderful. And then I woke up and realized that the commute to work actually takes well over an hour. And then I felt significantly less wonderful.

- Hey look, I got a mailbag question answered on Doug Smith's basketball blog. I've never sent in a mailbag question before - it's surprisingly exciting to see my question about our 2007 second round draft pick Giorgos Printezis given a complete non-answer. I love internet mailbags. They're a cesspool of human excrement and palpable indignity. And now I'm right in there too. Water's fine, jump right in.

- The other day on the subway, I saw one of the cosplayers that was prominently featured in the now timeless classic WGTCNA07. Specifically it was one of the nice Bleach fellows - the gentleman in the white who spoke at length about his bow and arrow. I didn't notice him at first without his cool costume, but the cat ears beanie he was wearing eventually tipped me off. I became convinced that he was looking at me a bit too much, and I had to duck out at the next stop from anxiety and paranoia. To this day, I rue what we have done.

- Yes, I have spent the last half hour rewatching WGTCNA07 here at work. I think I've literally seen the footage like 562 times, to the point where it should by all means illicit absolutely no reaction from me anymore...and yet no matter how many times I see the "I have a boyfriend" clip, it still absolutely WRECKS me every single time.

- Ever see one of those Responsible Gambling Council ads on the subway where this guy's buddy or something is replaced by a dotted line cut-out shape and they're just sitting there by themselves looking all glum? Every time I see one of them, I always immediately imagine one of these generic Las Vegas commercials and the missing person in the first ad like having the greatest time of his life; riding in a limousine, snorting lines off a stripper, while hundred dollar bills fly out the open sunroof. This amuses me greatly. If they ever show a Casino Rama commercial immediately after the one where those three losers are waiting for their gambling friend to meet them at that Chinese restaurant, it'd be the best 60 seconds of television ever.

- And for absolutely no reason, if by chance you are looking for the best 109 seconds instead, here's your ticket. [insert car flipping Cells rift here]

- Yesterday I was in my room, sitting in front of my computer eating handfuls of Vector right out of the box (just right above eating cereal and milk out of a frisbee on the I Have No Dignity As A Human Being scale) and I accidentally but unavoidably dropped a piece on the ground. So you probably guessed that I picked it up and ate it anyway...only you (and I) probably wouldn't have guessed that it would have tasted salty, which I don't generally think should be the case with cereal. I thought it was kinda weird. Anyway, that's the end of that story, thought it'd be good to share a typical scene of my daily life with you, give you a glimpse into how the magic happens here.

- I don't know how, but this morning I was charged $3.13 for a plain bagel with cream cheese. The sad thing is that I didn't even notice until I was walking back to my desk and started wondering why the change jingling in my pocket wasn't as loud as I was expecting. I am a huge ass.

- Here's the trailer for The Forbidden Kingdom, which is being hyped as a huge monumental landmark of kung-fu cinema finally featuring Jackie Chan versus Jet Li...even though it's about fifteen or twenty years too late. I mean, Jackie's 53! Regardless, I would think it'd still be pretty solid for the action choreography if nothing else...but why does Hollywood always gotta push that clueless white dude protagonist, even in an Imperial China period piece? So audiences can relate? How can I relate to that guy!?! Sometimes you just gotta let the giant transforming robots or two of the three greatest kung-fu actors of all time carry the thing, and relax. I'm not an Asian girl, I don't like having all these white guys all up in my face like that (bah dum bum psh). You just know they got the whole romance angle with him and the female sidekick girl ready to go too. White guys can't stay away from the Asian female. Not even content to have them in the present and in our future - they gotta go back in time to get them too. Honestly, have some dignity, you crazy Yellow Fever bastards. Shit's getting out of line. I'm embarrassed for you.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy. First they had The Mexican with Brad Pitt, and now they've got The Last Samurai with Tom Cruise. Well I've written a film, maybe they'll produce my film. The Last Nigger On Earth starring Tom Hanks, how 'bout that?

2/13/2008 11:24:00 AM | Comments (0)

Two awkward/awesome cable news clips: here and here.

Also, a random clip of a sitar cover of Guns N' Roses' Sweet Child of Mine. Bad ass.

2/12/2008 02:59:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is Conan messing around on Rock Band, singing Sabotage as Edith Bunker from All In The Family. It's actually pretty spot on.

Still, I have to give the nod to Big AL's impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Robert Goulet over Conan's of Edith Bunker for greatest Rock Band version of Sabotage.

If we ever have a Rock Off with another band, we gotta bust that baby out. Only we should practice it a couple of times first so that I can play it without laughing.

You don't even blink, do you? Quick! Staring contest, me and you, now!

...

You win, you always do! That's why I come up here. NAAATUUURE-Goulet.

2/08/2008 10:36:00 AM | Comments (0)

Because I need random, amusing internet links to fill the empty, boring void of existence that is my day to day life...

- The third - and hopefully final - installment of the Conan vs. Colbert saga. It's so deliciously retarded.

- So Shaq got traded to Phoenix...retarded, Max promised to kill his family if it went through (it did, he did), yeah yeah yeah, I'm not going to discuss it here, but I just thought it was crazy how fast they already got his new threads up for sale. Hahaha, basketball joke.

- Here are some really messed up STATUTORY RAPE = BAD ads that I guess are supposed to turn you off on any "You know, I WOULD like to have sex with a minor!" feelings you may possibly been harbouring. So is it wrong that these ads seem to be having like...the opposite effect on me? These are just terrible. I mean, what if you're into girls with babyfaces? Bah dum bum psh!

- And as long as we're on the subject of physically abusing children, here are the do's and don'ts concerning babies. Thing is...you can't really argue with any of them. It's all fairly sound advice.

- Trailer for Forgetting Sarah Marshall which stars...like...a whole bunch of guys that we already know.

- New shots of Street Fighter 4, the game I have sworn to facilitate my entry back into the world of serious video gaming. If I'm reading this Japanese correctly (doubtful because I can't read Japanese) it looks like I might have to buy a PS3 when the time comes.

Oh I know what you're doing - stop that!

2/06/2008 11:43:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ahem.

Heh.

Hee hee hee!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NIGGA ALWAYS TRYIN' EAT SOMEBODY'S BURGER!

2/05/2008 12:30:00 PM | Comments (0)