It's nothing ha-ha funny, but I'd like to inject a little of the "human element" into the site so that you puny earthlings don't catch on to our evil plans.

Meet the Great Zucchini.

1/31/2006 08:02:00 PM | Comments (0)

I had a big post written up, but I've decided to save it for a later date, and instead commit a crime against humanity.

Question?

What happens if you get a gigabyte?

Answer!

IT MEGAHERTZ!!!

1/31/2006 01:40:00 AM | Comments (0)

Two totally unrelated links. One totally uninspired post.

I guess the real world Justice League can finally do battle with a champion... of communism! I can't imagine how this guy gets anywhere on time. A 10 minute walk home must take a whole hour, as he scales the buildings instead of walking right past them.

And of course, something Star Wars related. "Stop TK'ing, you fag!!"

1/28/2006 01:07:00 AM | Comments (0)

An Unfortunate Metaphor And Joyous Occasions

Yellow - Coldplay

I had this hankering to listen to the newest Coldplay CD recently and I had no idea why. To be perfectly frank, even though there's some decent tunes on there the CD is pretty shit overall. It dawned upon me that what I really wanted was to listen to Parachutes again, an album I had not spun in quite some time. A couple of runs through a CD that is barely longer than 40 minutes and I was content.

*****

Down: I got sick this week.

Up: I found the time to vote.

Down: I only made it home in time to vote because I skipped the last half of my six to nine class. The only reason I decided to do that was because I felt so sick that I could barely move. I made it home and to my couch somehow, but other than that I was damn near crippled. It could have been the fact that I ate somewhere besides McDonald's for once, which caused my body to violently react in protest of change, or it could have been that I'm fucking exhausted. I imagine it's the eating one though.

Down: Michelle ditched me on Monday. Flat out ditched me. We have a text message exchange that confirms that she will be at Sid's Cafe from three to five. I go there at three. Not there. I wait a long time. She doesn't show. I call her cell phone four times. No response. I find out on Tuesday night (!) that she and some others decided to go to Jimmy's house to eat and she forgot to tell me.

Up: I had lunch with Angel on Wednesday. I have no idea why I do not do that more often. It's in my head that because she's not in school that she's constantly busy, which isn't entirely untrue. However, that is no excuse not to make an effort to at least call her and see what's up. I eventually left a message on her machine (unfortunately motivated by my "I'm gay" revelation) and she got back to me and we met up and ate at this crepe place right next to the Harvey's on Bloor. It was a small, family owned place and she made the point that we should support these businesses. She was right. The mushroom crepe I had was delicious and filling. I barely ate for three days after. Though that may have also had to do with the food poisoning.

We caught up on a lot of things and I was reminded how much more, I don't know, authentic other people's lives are. Like, while I'm worrying about whether some girl I sit next to in class has a boyfriend, other people are living on their own and having new dramas every day. That's what it's like talking with Angel, but God bless her she never, ever belittles the microscopic conflicts of my life. After that, we arbitrarily walked around and hit a bookstore and blah blah blah, but what really felt good was going to Innis library and sitting down for a minute. Well, for about three hours actually. She wasn't feeling too well and I was recovering from my sickness still, so we were both exhausted. We wanted to do stuff together, but I think it was for the best that we both decided to relax for a second. "Relax for a second" turned into a nap that took up a considerable chunk of the afternoon and I have to say, it's a special friend who you can take a nap with. I mean that. It helped that the particular area we were sitting in had the environmental consistency of the world's most comfortable womb.

Up: I've been talking to Jess a lot more on the phone lately. Keeping it short, I will just say that her friendship is something I will never, ever, ever take for granted.

Up: I ran into Vincenza on Friday right in front of the Lesb...Women's Bookstore. That was entirely unexpected, but welcomed. She was with these two guys who seemed to be a couple of cool cats (at least in small doses) and we sat around and talked and joked while we waited for the store to open. It was so nice to see her (and for her to see me) in a situation much more relaxed than a three hour Shakespeare lecture. Many karate jokes were made, obviously. I don't think I swept her off her feet (ha!) or anything, but I'm glad that she got to see that I can be an alright dude to hang out with. Maybe we will do lunch.

Down: For the five hundredth FREAKING time the Women's Bookstore didn't have the book I was looking for in stock. And for the five hundredth and first time, I'll have to go back there next week.

Up: Chronologically, this is out of place, but I wanted to save it for last, because...because. I've made a habit out of visiting Arlene's place on Monday or Wednesday nights after my late night lectures are over. I'm usually mentally wasted after class and the prospect of waiting half an hour at Finch station for my YRT bus to arrive is not appealling. So I asked her if I could kill time at her place until I hit the station. She said yes and I've done it a couple of times now. There is nothing like sitting through a lecture, sitting in the same position for THREE HOURS, then oozing out of the class onto the street and somehow making it to a girl's door and ringing the doorbell and seeing a pretty girl's smiling face. She has such a wonderful smile.

*****

I have not seen Michelle on a regular basis for almost a year now. At least it seems that long. I still remember first year when the only thing getting me in and out of the Toronto transit system was the knowledge or hope that I might be spending some time with her. There were other friends who kept me going of course and to them I am eternally thankful, but of all the new people that I met at the University of Toronto, she was by far the most important.

I've tried to make time for her. I've gone out of my way to hang out with her and "our mutual friends" who, as I've mentioned on more than one occasion, I can barely stand anymore. The last time it was just the two of us hanging out was at the beginning of the year, which spawned one of my more whimsical and, in retrospect, ill-fated posts. I imagined that my new schedule would make it so easy for us to get together but as it stands today, the exact opposite has happened. We have drifted.

Emotionally, she no longer needs me. I'm not sure that she ever did. I can say that there was that first year, where she was having doubts about her relationship with Danny, that she at least enjoyed my company. Whether it was my sense of humour or my rare moments of sensitivity and wisdom or my near unwavering understanding of all her boyfriend's mistakes, there was something in me that she needed to be around. I was more than happy to accomodate. Especially considering that she was one of the only people who didn't shun my many quirks. Everytime I brought something up that I thought would make her recoil and finally decide that I wasn't worth her time, she would make that face of hers and I would feel like a prince.

Those days are long gone. It's nobody's fault. We don't have any classes in common and we never lived anywhere near each other and she is the type to cling to the nearest male friend. That is to say, our friendship might have been one of convenience or even desperation considering that it blossomed in the hopeless prison that was Linguistics class. Last year, she assured me that I was still one of her closest friends when I, in a moment of great weakness, asked her if this new guy she met (Jon Tam, a decent fellow to be sure) was her new #1 male campus buddy. She promptly called me a fool and assured me that we were still cool.

Now I can't blame her for hanging out with Chris. He's better-looking, more fit, more confident, more overtly funny, less whiny...not like me in any way, let's put it that way. He's a lot easier to hang around with. It's not like with me, where you don't know if you're getting the hysterical funny man or the mopey, sad sack Eeyore motherfucker that I tend to be. He has no quirks that one has to accept. He's quirkless. Even better, he treats women like garbage, but everyone laughs about it because they're not his girlfriend. It's like she says, "He's a great friend, but a terrible boyfriend." No, Michelle, he sucks at both. Still, they share a bunch of classes and they're within reasonable driving distance of each other so there you go. I'm out of the picture like that.

I'm not too upset with the situation, at least not yet. I have other, more reliable friends. She was always a bit of a flake. And she was never one to call you, you always had to go out of your way to find her. Despite all that, nothing will ever make me look back on our friendship bitterly. She was, is, a special person to me. I wonder now if my desire to hang out with her spawns not from the potentially good times we might enjoy, but from how brilliant we once were.

That's the coward that left us to die!
I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
But you yelled, "Get out of my way!"
Because!...Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!
Seemingly. Seemingly to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out the door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
How do you live with yourself?
It's not easy.

1/27/2006 11:54:00 PM | Comments (0)

My basketball fantasy team is terrible.

I'll be the first to admit it. I finished second out of twelve last year with my Lebron-led team in my pool with some friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends, so there's at least some precedence of competence. I had initially regretted choosing Shawn Marion with my first pick (third overall), but it turned out well. He's averaging like 22, 12, 2, 2, 2, shooting over 50% from the field! That's arguably been better than Garnett this year (who averages 3 more assists with slightly better %'s, but no threes), who's generally the consensus #2 pick. So that's some genius drafting right there.

It's unfortunately the rest of my picks weren't that great. I don't remember the order of the picks, but here's some names - Larry Hughes^IL, Peja Stojakovic^IL, Corey Maggette^IL, Marcus Camby^IL, Stephon Marbury^IL, Tyson Chandler, Kurt Thomas, and of course - Quentin Richardson. I essentially drafted every underachieving player in the entire league. And yes, I essentially drafted three Knicks as well.

Though I did draft JO and managed to swing him and Bobby Simmons for Bibby and Al Harrington before he got injured. So that's not too shabby.

...

Kill me now.

My hockey fantasy is the opposite though. I stupidly blew my first pick (fifth overall in a six team pool) on Sundin, but the rest of my picks were solid enough to put me on top.

And registration for fantasy baseball starts in February!

...

I promise never to talk about any of my fantasy sports teams ever again.

1/27/2006 01:29:00 PM | Comments (0)

Ok, I'm dropping in for a quickie. It's not that I'm using you. You know I love you, honey. I just don't have time right now to give you the attention you need, baby. Wait. No. Don't cry. Woman, don't make me let you slip accidentally down the stairs again.

Anyways... here's a video entitled "Fear of Girls".

1/25/2006 11:35:00 PM | Comments (0)

81 Points. Thank you, and good night.

1/23/2006 01:21:00 AM | Comments (0)

Ain't Nothing But A Heartache

Let's see how many common WAMBAG themes I can hit with this post!

*****

A while back, our favourite asphyxiating bovine blessed us with a video featuring Asian Backstreet Boys. If you are anything like me, the moment you saw that video you relinquished sleep, in ravenous anticipation of a follow-up oeuvre. Well, my friends, we have finally reached the promised land.

And satiety awaits.

*****

Speaking of music and dirty Asians, here's a link to a guy rocking out to Canon in D. Apparently his website, containing the rest of his opera, is here.

*****

No matter how stupid and unbelievable the plot is, I will always love 24 and want to have Jack Bauer's man-babies. And in order to make it explicitly clear, that entails engaging Mr. Bauer in the act of coitus.

*****

I think I'm in love with a whore. When my testicles drop, I'll consider asking her out.

*****

Let's see how I did. For those of you playing the WAMBAG drinking game at home, you should have taken a shot for each of the following:

- Links to things (mildly) funny/interesting - 2 shots
- Unbridled enthusiasm for 24 - 1 shot
- Personal anecdote that can only end in heartbreak - 1 shot
- Sensing the post author's poorly-masked homosexuality - 3 shots
- Ending a post with a quote - 1 shot

Take your 8 shots and thank me later.

*****

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

1/20/2006 04:18:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's time for another installment of Choking Yak's Provoking Facts! I typed this up last night, so I think all the tenses are off...but it's not like my writin' has ever been that spiffy anyway.

- I can't even talk about 24 right now, it's still blowing my mind. With the exception of a five week lapse during Season 3, I've been watching this show on a week-by-week basis. It's a different experience entirely when you aren't introduced to the show by collected DVD sets or downloaded episodes, where you can just run off a dozen in a row if you can't wait for the next one. I've been living for like five years having my nerves routinely busted by ridiculous cliffhangers, immediately desperate for next week the second a show is over. And now, hundreds or thousands of new 24 junkies over the world will now come to understand my pain. For it will now be their pain as well. 24 blows my fucking mind.

- There was some crazy freezing rain yesterday. I love freezing rain. I hate driving in it, but I don't think there's anything cooler weather-wise than freezing rain. I almost killed myself yesterday driving home, when I took my hands off the wheel to air guitar to Ooh La La on the radio...which I'm realizing now were actually piano bits that thought were guitar bits. I am a terrible driver.

- Also, when I got home from school yesterday, it looked like Mr. Freeze had attacked my house. So while I looked out over my driveway, I came to the same conclusion any other rational human being would have. I needed to air-skateboard down my frozen rained driveway. And it was awesome. I took one step out, and I was flying. And yes, the possibility that I would be taken out by a passing car if wouldn't be able to stop at the end of the driveway did occur to me, but you can't live life like that. But the problem with air-skateboarding downhill your driveway is that there's no real way to get back up the driveway. Which is something that doesn't really occur to you while you're going down the driveway, I guess. And so I'm at the bottom of my driveway looking back up at my open garage, and all I can think about is that some random punk with cleats can just jump out of the bushes, beat me up the driveway, and run into my house before I can. So I'm frantically trying to crawl back up inch by inch, paranoid of this possible cleat-wearing house robber lurking in my bushes, and during the ten minutes it takes me to get back up I'm hit with a completely unrelated genius movie idea. Which I then obviously lock into The Vault for review later, when I'm not busy racing this unknown cleat guy. But once I get back up to the top of my driveway, I look back over it, and I'm tempted to do it all over again. And during the thirty seconds it takes me to convince myself not to do it, I forget how to open The Vault. And now I'm left with no idea.

- It's 2:00 AM, I'm trying to find an excuse not to go to bed, and I'm finding The Colbert Report pretty funny.

- Years of clinical study have led me to the conclusion that Honey Bunches Of Oats With Real Peaches is the tasiest cereal ever. Golden Grahams and Lucky Charms are close runner-ups.

- I'm just going to run off a series of quick, unrelated sentences here about movie trailers. Harrison Ford's got a new one, but all I hear when he talks is "Get off my plane!" When A Stranger Calls is the stupidest movie idea I've heard of in a long while, and I can't imagine how this movie can be longer than half an hour. Thank You For Smoking looks awesome, and (one of my many) comedic weaknesses is an incredibly bad French accent.

"Das your doggge beit?"
"Non."

"Nice doggie - "
"RUFF!"
" - AAH!"

"I thought you said your doggge dozent beit!"
"Dat iz not my doggge."

1/19/2006 06:00:00 PM | Comments (0)

Down With Me

Novocaine For The Soul - Eels

I'm in such a bitchy mood lately.

I was hanging out with Natasha today and she was doing her best to cheer me up with her usual fearless affection. I don't think I even moved once. I was hunched over a table and she was holding my arm and hugging me and talking to me and I was just acting like a total dick. I hate when that happens. And inside my head I'm like, "Cheer the fuck up, man! Get over yourself!" But I kept sulking. It was like one of those dreams where you think you're awake, but you're actually asleep and you think you're screaming but you're not. Whoa, bad Simple Plan lyric there. Sorry about that.

Speaking of lyrics, I came upon this site the other day about song meanings. Is this old news? How have I not been to this site before? It's awesome. I was trying to figure out some Wolf Parade songs and I tripped upon this site. The only problem is that you're not actually getting a definitive answer to what the songs are about. It's a glorified message board. But did you know that Laika was the name of the dog that the Russians sent into space, never to return? See, I did not know that. Also, did you know that Dope Nose is allegedly a skewed quote from a Rolling Stone interview that Rivers did? When he says "this Dope Nose", it can also be interpreted as "this dope knows". Was that obvious? Also, I didn't know that Welcome To My Life was all about teen problems and inner pain and stuff. I could not suss those lyrics out. Thanks inter-web! Check it out if just for the Welcome To My Life board, where you have, like, fifty people explaining how they didn't get the song at first but after a few listens it's really deep...man.

What was I talking about before? Oh yeah, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Smoke-Alot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous. He told me about his lawyer...
He had sex with my momma! Why?!?
Spirituality...
God, if you listenin', help!
His bad back...
The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
His love life...
I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
I mean, talk about a guy with problems.

1/19/2006 01:25:00 AM | Comments (0)

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before. No, Seriously, Stop Me

Razorblade - The Strokes

I spoke in a class for the first time in months. It was in 20th Century Canadian Literature and I was commenting on how humour is used to debunk Native American myths. It felt good.

The bigger challenge would be asking Vincenza to go out to lunch. I've been agonizing about it all week. I picked up the new Strokes CD, First Impressions Of Earth because she told me to. I've been studying it for the last couple of days now in preparation for Monday's class.

It all went out the window so fast. I asked her what she did over the weekend. She said she watched Tristan and Isolde. I asked her who she went with. Somewhere in her reply I faintly heard the word "boyfriend". She kind of half-whispered it so it may have been "guyfriend" or somesuch variation. Regardless, I'm 98% sure that she has a boyfriend.

...

FUCK!

I don't say that shit out loud though. That's just how I feel inside.

I give up. I'm officially gay now. Here's my new card if you need to contact me. I'm gay now. No more women for this man, just female friends. I've got plenty of those so the way I see it I'm ahead of the game. I've got more than any man could ever ask for. Or would want for that matter. Trust me. I'm gay now. Tell your friends. Tell your family. Let's spread this gradually, okay? I don't want to have to make some big announcement the next time I see everyone. Just get it out there and we can all move on. I'm gay now, so if anyone knows any single attractive poofs out there, let me know. I'm not sure how it works, I've only been gay for a few hours now. Help me out, people.

Earlier, I bought a couple of posters. A Prison Break poster for Michelle, even though she apparently doesn't watch it anymore (...FUCK!) and this for myself. I've had my eye on it for the last few years, but I think that about sums up my situation right now.

...no, no. But he just kept kissing me. Why would he do that?
Didn't you tell me that you had gripped him by the buttocks and pulled him closer?
Yes, but that was 'cause I was concerned that he might fall. I mean, doctor, his pants were down around his Goddamn ankles.
*sigh*
Doctor, why do those--you know--those "types" keep thinking that I'm one of them?
Because...you are one of them. You are gay. You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight. You're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everyone seems to know it except you!
Then why is it that I'm not aware of it?
It's called denial.
Look, doctor, are you just gonna sit there and spew psychiatric mumbo jumbo at me all day?
No. No, no, naw, no. No, I'm just, uh, tell you what, I'm just gonna write you a prescription for, uh, for the drug.
The drug?
Yes. Gleemonex. It's new. I don't normally like to do this but you're a...you're a special case.
Will I still be in "denial"?
No. It's to be hoped that you'll...just...be...gay.

1/16/2006 11:18:00 PM | Comments (0)

Normally I might have thrown in a post or two to keep the site updated, but since Sheep covered me with some links and Big AL strung together two straight, I've been able to hang back and charge my super meter for an entire week. And now it's time for my quarter circle forward, quarter circle foward, punch x 3.

TYRANT SLAUGHTER LINK BARRAGE

Honestly, every single one of these could have carried its own post. Especially nowadays, since I've become lazier and stopped bunching links together into single posts. But since I've had a week to charge meter - it's all deadly. ...maybe 'cept for the 24 one. I just wanted to post that gif. So prepare for attack!

- PUNCH-OUT!!!

- Kevin Smith: Remember Sully, how I said Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back was the last?
Sully: That's right Kevin, you did!
Kevin Smith: I lied.

- 24 two hour premiere this Sunday. And then on Monday. Do not attempt to contact me between 8:00 PM and 10:00 PM on either day. And then between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM on Mondays throughout the rest of the season. I love Arrested Development. You know I do. But if you asked what I would do if I could only keep one of either Arrested Development or 24, I'll just answer by throwing a fucking knife into your heart.

- History happens in cycles. That fact is especially apparent in American history. For example, the signing of the US Declaration of Independence in 1776 was preceded by economic depression in England and in the colonies, the Civil War in the 1860's lead to the formation of a much more organized and powerful federal government, the Great Depression lead to a stronger restructuring of American and world economies; we frequently see periods of economic depression and social upheaval followed by the restructuring and formation of stronger bodies of government and society repeating throughout eras of history. There are always periods of great civil agitation following the fall of great socieities, leading to temporary periods of calm - only to happen all over again. We saw it with the Roman Empire, the British Empire, and many say that we're watching it now with the American Empire. History is cyclic, and frequent monumental events can trigger or warn of other events to follow. With that said, I feel it is my duty to inform you that Spider-Man is getting another costume redesign. Contact your loved ones and expect the return of similiar events to what transpired during the Clone Saga. Was it a coincidence that NAFTA - the North American Free Trade Agreement - went into effect in 1994, following The Death of Superman which was catalyzed by Superman #75 in 1993? You tell me.

- Speaking of the fall of the American Empire...remember that awesome X-Men cartoon we used to watch as kids? Of course you do. You better. Because they don't make 'em like that anymore. Well this is the Japanese theme for when it was exported over there. Apparently according to some fan pages I've seen, it was later imported back and used as the background for the credits (minus the audio). Classic Japanese theme song - wicked wall jumping action, an unhealthy fascination with tentacled space monsters (The Brood and Omega Red getting more screen time than Magneto!?!), constant motion lines in the background, cute girl winking at the camera, and the shouting of incoherent English words and phrases. The one at the end will straight up murder you. I've watched this two dozen times over (and counting) and I still cannot get through the end without breaking down in laughter. It's so ridiculous.

- And how many of you remember the original X-Men pilot episode that aired in 1989, with (most of) the Giant Size X-Men roster that starred Kitty Pryde? The one episode that the arcade game's based on? (Adamantium laser blade!) And Wolverine had the brown costume and was Austrailian for some reason? Yeah. That theme song just...didn't really work.

- Just for reference...the classic theme song. Batman had the superior show, but don't ask me to compare the theme songs. I still get chills when at the end, all the characters run into each other and explode. Quite possibly the best cartoon introduction theme song of all time.

- So like I was saying...Japanese people...RIDICULOUSNESS. That beginning guitar riff completely owns me. I've had it echoing in my head for like three whole days. There's a nice surprise at the (near) end in this one too.

I've never seen so many electric jellyfish in all my life!

1/13/2006 09:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

Practice Lunch

Free Loop - Daniel Powter

Before I get into it, I just have to say that the lyrics to this song make no sense. "I been fabulous through to fight my town a name?" That is not a sentence, I don't care. Such a nice melody, though.

On Wednesday, I had lunch with Arlene. The weather was great that day. When we met up, she was like, "That's because we're hanging out!" And I was like, "Well, yeah!" We walked all the way down to Sushi On Bloor, which isn't that far from campus, but it's the farthest I've walked since I had to go to the OLGC building to cash my fat $400+ Pro Line ticket. Good times. Arlene is fun to be around. She's full of all kinds of energy. She's not like a spazz or anything, I can't stand people like that, but she's definitely active and anxious to break any silences that come up. I needed that too because I was feeling sort of mellow and I was in one of my "la la la-aren't-the-trees-pretty-I-can-talk-to-colours" moods. It helped that we both had things to talk about.

After getting our food, we took turns telling our tales. I told her about how I was hung up on this new girl and...and...well, I pretty much recited my last blog post to her. She seemed to enjoy the neurotic tale that I weaved and honestly, I think it was a story meant to be told through dialogue and not text. It was funny because when I was done she was like, "I love how you talk about this. You should write this stuff down." Heh.

I'm glad that I went first because her story was far more intriguing. When last I saw her she was dating some South American dude named Jeff. I never met him, but she seemed to think he was an okay guy so I was happy for her. She tells me that they've broken up and I don't even have time to utter a sympathetic "awwww" before she gets into the gritty details. He cheated on her and she somehow ended up in a confrontation with the other girl and the dude's a liar and the dude's father is cheating on his mother when he goes to South America and she's over it now but she so isn't and yeah. If you found that sentence confusing, imagine trying to decipher a forty-five minute long version of it. Of course, I was more than happy to listen to her story and she must have been wondering on more than one occasion why I was smiling so much.

I tell her about my intentions to ask Vincenza out to lunch and she's like, "You should totally try and make it into a date!" I wave my arms in protest, explaining to her that I'm incapable of doing something like that. She spurs me on though, reminding me that I'm funny (according to both her and Vincenza at least). "That hasn't taken me very far with the ladies, trust me," I tell her. She's super supportive and I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. I can safely say that Arlene has entered my inner circle of university friends. I need this kind of company especially since I don't see Natasha, Angel or Michelle much these days. Natasha, because she's friggin' impossible to reach. Angel, because I'm intimidated by her downtown lifestyle and I imagine that she's got more important things to do. Michelle because...well, we've just drifted. And I'm okay with that.

Arlene and I walk for quite a bit more after. She is constantly humming. We take pictures of random buildings, just because we haven't seen them before. I walk her back to her house.

If lunch with Vincenza is anything like this, then I'm gold. Wish me luck, partnas.

Another date with, uh, Steve Holt?
Yeah, we're gettin' pretty serious. That Steve sure knows how to please a lady.
Good. I was hoping that he would be gifted sexually. I mean I guess it makes sense you know, uh, older guys expect certain things.
They do?
What a fun, sexy time for you.

1/13/2006 01:33:00 AM | Comments (0)

Minimal Expectations Minimal Disappointment

The Consort - Rufus Wainwright

I've talked to Vincenza three times at most since I met her and for the last month I have thought of her often.

*****

The first time we spoke was because she was sitting next to my usual seating partner, Elizabeth. I don't recall what was said exactly, only that there were some lame attempts at humour on my part and the topic of our professor's sexual preference came up. I had definitely noticed her before. She was one of the three hottest girls in the class (the other two being "hot Asian girl" and "hot girl with a laptop who doesn't talk"). Before that day I only knew her as "hot girl who sits on the other side of the room". After that encounter, she was Vincenza.

*****

I woke up Monday morning in my usual haze of questions (who am I? where am I? am I gay?). But there was another one. How long until Shakespeare class?

*****

The last time we spoke was just before the holidays. She had not been in class for weeks. I feared that she had dropped the course. A part of me was afraid that talking with me might have had something to do with it. Like all of a sudden she realized, "I took this three hour Shakespeare course to meet cute guys and this is what I get? Ugh!" I stare at her from across the room, agonizing whether or not I should say "Hello". The class ends and we begin to file out.

"Hello."
"I know, where have I been, right?" she says, effortlessly reading my mind.

I was relieved. It turned out she was away with a concussion that she got at her job as a karate instructor. Thank God. It had nothing to do with me. We talk on the way to her car and she invites me to a club. It is an invitation that I decline, but it means a lot to me that it was given. She drives off and I already miss her.

*****

From the moment I step onto the bus to Finch until six o' clock I have no face-to-face dialogue with anyone. The CD of the day is Poses by Rufus Wainwright. It is all the company I need.

I find time to study. Plenty. It's my New Year's resolution to be better in school. To be better. I don't actually walk from location to location so much as I sleepwalk. An hour long nap at Innis. A brief slumber during the first of three short movies in Film class. At Gerstein I'm reading Hamlet one second and drifting towards the border of the undiscovered country the next. I wait and wait for six.

*****

We exchange a few MSN messages over the holidays. The first comes immediately after I have sent her an e-mail declining her invite to the Mod club. The e-mail is full of my usual wit and self-deprecation and awkwardness. She says that I am funny. On another day I ask her about the message attached to her MSN name. She has written out some lyrics from Radiohead's High And Dry in a garbled, truncated form. She explains that she didn't have enough space to put it down properly. Vowels r missing. We discuss songs we like for a couple of minutes. The last message I get from her is on New Year's Day. It is nothing special, but I cherish it. I only wish I had actually been online to receive it. A missed opportunity if there ever was one.

*****

It's six o' clock and I realize that my expectations for seeing this girl are based on insubstantial non-events. There are no grounds for my excitement. Desperation is a possibility. I have once again given up on "The Adriana Thing" (copyright Alex Lee) and if this venture yields no returns then I've got no one to chase. That, to me, is a fate worse than futility. It's like Donald says in Adaptation:

You are what you love, not what loves you.

I bump into her just as we're both entering class. My word, she is gorgeous. We exchange hushed greetings and end up sitting together. How were your holidays and all that. Neither of us has done the reading for today's class. Perfect. Professor Warley begins on the history of the sonnet and her discomfort is immediate. I draw a hangman's post on the back of my notes.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ MOVIE

She misses on the first four letters, but eventually gets it. Pulp Fiction. "BEST MOVIE EVER," I write. Her turn.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ MOVIE

An O reveals most of the puzzle and she worries that I've already got it figured it out. I don't, but shortly after I correctly guess Old School. She underlines "BEST MOVIE EVER". I would have figured it out sooner if I knew I was dealing with a girl who was awesome.

We stop when the professor starts getting into the actual sonnets. I forgot to bring my book today because I thought we were doing Hamlet and she offers me hers. At first, she holds it between us. Its a big book, so eventually I put my hand on it to steady it. We hold the book between us and I'm desperately trying not to look at her as the professor reads romantic lyric after romantic lyric. At one point our hands accidentily touch and I'm embarrassed. She doesn't seem to notice, which is good I think. At the end of the class we get back our in-class essays from last term. She's afraid to look at her mark. I walk her to her car and just before we get in I convince her to look along with me. We flip to the last page like we're ripping off bandages. Not too good for either of us, which puts a slight damper on things. She climbs into her car and I won't see her for another week.

*****

I wouldn't call this class disappointing at all. She sat next to me. We played hangman. We talked. For whatever reason, a pretty girl has decided to let me into her life and I'm not going to squander this opportunity. Next week...I ask her to go to lunch. It's going to be a long week.

ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE: Alex asks Vincenza to go on a lunch date! Jess dumps Will for Heath Ledger! Will dumps Jess for Heath Ledger! Also: Gary, Brian and Max learn the true meaning of friendship and survival...by circle-jerking each other. Don't miss the next exciting episode of...WAMBAG Beach.

Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over — an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.

1/10/2006 02:55:00 AM | Comments (0)

For all you CNAnime fans, does this look familiar?

While we're doing video game commercials, I thought this was interesting, especially with my newfound fascination with the Maverick.

And since I prefer tragedies, here's a little heartbreak to end the post.

1/09/2006 07:23:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Brokeback Mountain Post

Tarzan Boy - Baltimora

Last week, I watched Brokeback Mountain with Jess.

If I had to use one word to describe this movie, what would it be?

GAY?

Correct!

AROUSING?

More correct! No wait, less correct. LESS.

But let the record show that she did not make me watch it with her, and she made clear that my use of the "you forced me to watch a gay cowboy movie" card in possible future arguments would not be valid. Which seems like a fair trade off, considering all the times I made her sit through entries of my "Greatest Movies Evar List", including classics including - but not limited to -Transformers (which even by my own admission, goes right downhill as soon as the Autobot City insanity is over), Kindergarten Cop, Dirty Work, and of course the frequent viewings of Van Helsing (otherwise know as The Greatest Movie Of All Time). So this isn't to complain that I watched Brokeback Mountain - I went into it with full consent.

Still, I did have a bit of trepidation in entering the threatre. For one, what if I saw someone I knew? I wasn't so much afraid of the possibility that there would be someone that recognized me...but that there would be someone that I would recognize...which would make for an awkward 134 minutes that neither of us would acknowledge to ever have happened. I mean I'm here with my girlfriend - what's your deal, fag?

Also...this movie was gay. And it's not like The Birdcage gay. It's Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, not Robin Williams and Nathan Lane. That's an important difference. Like Larry David said, "If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time?" It's like being jumped in a dark alley by a large black man or by a flock (herd?) of ninjas. Both are possible, depending on what part of town you're in (and what your chosen profession is as well, I guess – ie. Power Ranger) but you're much more afraid of one because it appears as a more credible possibility.

And with that random bout of homophobic racism out of our systems, let's carry on.

Just walking into the theatre was awesome. Out of a theatre that seats maybe like...a hundred people, there were about ten people there. It surprised me - I would have expected more pull from a two week old movie about gay cowboys showing at the same time as The Chronicles of Narnia, King Kong, Munich, and Cheaper By The Dozen 2.

Everyone was at least forty five or fifty. Walking in, I saw two old ladies with very short hair sitting together (blatant bull-dykes), a married couple that included the only other male in the theatre (who I assumed were secure in their sexuality and just enjoyed watching movies...fuckin' bull-dykes), and various small groups of housewives scattered around (all bull-dykes of varying degrees of literalness).

Then while we were sitting around waiting for the movie to start (Movie trivia's the illest. What Friends alum starred in films with Bruce Willis? Answer: Courtney Cox, Alpha Dog (2006)), this skinny Asian kid poked his head in the theatre, went back out, looked around nervously and threw up in the washroom (I'm imagining here), and returned five minutes later to sit behind us, set to watch Brokeback Mountain alone. At this, I giggled to myself.

As I understand it, critically, it was a good movie. Well directed, great cast, beautifully shot scenes, a haunting, immensely emotional and moving film, and the ending gets you right there – Jess caught some dust in her eye (bull-dyke), along with the rest of the theatre. But as a guy whose top five favourite movies include Commando, Van Helsing, and Street Fighter, all that was completely lost on me.

So here's some random notes about the movie, in point form notes because I'm getting tired. Some minor spoilage, but I'm assuming that not many of you are going to go out and watch this movie anyway.

- Just in case no one got it the first, second, and third times around – this movie is gay. I had to have sex with a female Malaysian bear after I got home just to settle up.

- It's not R-rated, so there aren't any explicit sex scenes. They're just very implicit.

- You cannot move during sex scenes. You have to freeze. No shuffling in your seat, no sips from your oversized and overpriced fountain drink, no nose scratches, no jerking off, nothing. Because if you move during a sex scene, that either means you're uncomfortable, or you're really into it. Especially for gay sex scenes. You have to show that you're completely okay with gay people, like "Yeah, I see guys fucking each other all the time, ain't no biggie. I have tons of gay friends. I've fucked them all!" So don't move. Unless you're really into it...which I guess it's okay to move then.

- For every gay scene, there's a boobie scene to balance it out. But to me, that's a lot like eating a hot dog. No matter how many toppings and condiments you put on it, you're still sticking a foot long piece of meat in your mouth.

- Anne Hathaway boobies. The last time I saw her it was in commercials for The Princess Diaries. Weirded me out a little bit.

- Just in case it isn't obvious already, I'm going to attach a male nudity warning to this movie. Since watching an old Romeo & Juliet movie in Grade 10 English and getting hit with a Romeo ass shot while the entire class was expecting a Juliet one, I've strongly believed that these warnings should be mandatory.

- Heath Ledger doesn't open his eyes once during the entire movie. Also, despite the fact that the movie spans twenty years, no one seems to age. All they do is add an extra inch to their sideburns each decade. And it's still convincing. Now I understand how no one could tell Superman and Clark Kent apart. Because Clark Kent married Lois Lane and Superman had sex with guys.

- ...on second thought, that didn't make much sense.

- No matter how gay these cowboys are, they still manage to get ridiculous looking girls. What does it say about the heterosexual male population when these guys get women that look like that while literally not even trying? They're just getting pussy THROWN AT THEM. If I had watched this movie a year ago, I would have gone crazy. Then again...if I had watched this movie a year ago I wouldn't have had a girlfriend to watch it with...and so I probably wouldn't have been bothered that much about getting girls.

- "I wish I knew how to quit you!" That's a line I'm going to be trying out for the next month or so. Give it a floor run, see if it plays.

Not much else to say. Good times, good movie, good stuff. Really gay though.

"Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?"
"Well, actually, that was your husband's idea."

1/08/2006 09:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

Links!

- I for one, welcome our new tiny, Swedish, robotic overlords.

- I spent New Year's Eve with some family friends, and when everyone else shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!" when the clock hit midnight, I quietly said "happy two weeks until Season 5..." instead.

- Check out the Similiar Items for I Have a Dream: The Story of Martin Luther King. Napoleon Dynamite: The Complete Quote Book? Not as bad as this though. Hahaha, racism = hilariousm.

- And finally, another YTMND to polish it off. QUALITY!

1/06/2006 01:12:00 AM | Comments (0)

The Shirley Manh Post

No Myth - Michael Penn

I just finished reading Shirley's latest blog post. That's some heavy shit right there. I mean...wow. I'm not saying you guys should go read it, I just need to sit down for a sec. Whew. Okay.

That New Year's Eve post really sucked. I'll say it for everyone. It was rambling and boring and the only good part was the link about Blue's death, which was actually bad when you think about it and...I'm rambling again. I want to talk about Shirley.

Is it lame that someone else's post has inspired me to write? What do you call that? I don't know, I was just reading it and it's like...it got caught in my throat or something. I'm all verklempt. I felt like I was watching a particularly emotional episode of Gilmore Girls or something. Scratch that. It was more like I was reading the recap for an episode because I missed it and with every paragraph I'm just like, "No! No way! Word?" I can't remember the last time that I talked to her about serious stuff and while I'd heard bits and pieces about her situation from other people and by checking her blog every now and then, I'd never actually seen (heard? read?) it all in one sitting. Heavy shit. A lot of her posts have been like that recently because of the freakin' holidays. I swear. The combination of snow and Christmas music and people making out with each other in the park is enough to drive anyone crazy. Everytime I read one of her mopey posts I'm just like...like...someone this amazing should never have to feel like this. But I respect her so much because she does.

Why am I saying this? I guess hanging out with her over the holidays for a minute acted as a reminder. I already mentioned before how much I enjoyed her company in Guelph. Then there was Christmas day, when her and Gary dropped by my place and I wasn't even awake yet. I think it was one in the afternoon. That was always a fantasy of mine in high school. That my chums would come and visit me one day when I was still in bed. And I'd be all groggy and disoriented and they'd think, "Man, Alex is a wreck! What an interesting life he must have." That's not how this went at all, but at least it kind of happened. Rambling, rambling...

She liked Wolf Parade, which makes her instantly cool. Even though that CD is soooo 2005. Har har har.

Let me start over.

*****

The first time I really talked to Shirley was in grade 9 or 10, I can't recall exactly which. I only knew her as Gary's friend that he knew from his old school. It turned out that we took the same bus route. We had a lot of time to talk at the stop and, much like now, she was funny, engaging, cute, knowledgable, and not afraid to punch you in the arm. I hated stupid "Yellow Car". I don't think I ever spotted a single one. One time I thought I did, but it was "champagne coloured", which was the first time I ever heard of that colour. Now everytime I see a champagne coloured car I think of our bus talks. And I want to punch somebody.

After a while I fell for her. Hell, who wouldn't? It was a silly, mostly harmless thing and it came not only from hanging with her but from numerous microscopic incidents that would only be relevant to one such as me. I remember the day that I told her I liked her. I'd planned it with maximum strategery. I was just about to be shipped off to Panama...no...no, wait...I was about to go to Queen's University for a week (there's something else I have to write about) and I thought, "Sweet, when she rejects me I'll have a ten-day 'buffer zone' (including weekends) where I won't have to see her. I genius yes!" So I said what I had to say and nothing came of it and I felt awkward around her for a few months...no, that's not it.

Here's the part where I try honesty. Don't worry, it won't be a regular thing, I'm just trying it on. See if it makes my ass look fat.

After falling for and getting over (remember people, this is all happening in my sick, twisted mind) Shirley I still felt awkward around her for about...oh, until recently. I idolized her. I thought of her as some primordial goddess whom men should not only worship, but fight wars over and wear bizarre ceremonial clothing for. She was keen. To accept that I didn't have a shot at her in a romantic sense was a blow to my flimsy male pride. Plus, I felt stupid for being yet another guy who had a thing for her in high school (there were plenty). At the very least, I could have been original.

So yeah, I've known her for a while and I've never been perfectly comfortable with her if only because of my own insecurities. It's ridiculous. I remember that I'd always be afraid to invite her to my birthday or other get-togethers because I thought she'd be "busy". And by "busy", I mean I thought that she was too cool for us. Or something. That's how insane I was in high school...and in 1st year university...and 2nd year...and five seconds ago...but I digress.

Shirley is wicked-smart, though I always forget what she's doing in school. I remember that Shirley used to be involved in everything at Markham District, which blew my mind. She was like freaking Jamie Madrox. Shirley is capable of feeling bad about the smallest things (like broken toy chandeliers). Shirley can make you feel like the most important person in the world. Shirley is a good actress, or so I've been told. Shirley is extremely brave, but also extremely dumb if she thinks that jumping out of a plane at a gajillion feet in the air is somehow supposed to be "fun". Shirley never ceases to surprise me. Shirley is one of the coolest people I've ever met. Shirley is one of the most terrifying people I know.

It's not there, damn it. It's not in there. Everything I have to say about her. I wish I'd known her differently in high school. I don't know exactly how else we could have met, but just differently. She lives, like, ten minutes walking distance from my house. We could have spent so much time together, though I doubt she would have wanted to. Too bad I was scared. Not anymore, though. I feel like I can comfortably call her a friend of mine now. When people ask if I know Shirley, or if I know of Shirley I feel I can say that I know her. Not that well, mind you, but enough for now.

I gave up hope a long time ago that her and I would ever be friends. I thought I'd always be calling to her off in the distance from wherever the hell I am. By observing the bad (reading about her trials and tribulations) and the good (actually interacting with her) the whole relationship has been put into a new context. First I knew her as Gary's friend. Then as one of those girls in the gifted program. Then somebody I could fall in love with. Then...then...nothing. Now I know her as Shirley. No disclaimers or preconceptions necessary. No artificial flavouring. Just Shirley. Maybe she's known me for a while, but sometimes I feel like we've just met. I hope it's not too late for us.

*****

That's New Year's for you, right there. I should change everyday, but I know I won't. I have to be reminded that time is moving on and I have to read about the happenings in someone else's life to actually even attempt to share anything of real value. Truth? I want her to read this and I want her to like it. I want school to take her mind off of all the personal drama that she's had to deal with. I want her to pursue being an actress. I met Shirley Manh the other day and I want her to be happy.

*****

Damn, I feel sleepy now. Truth and honesty are exhausting. Was that even what that was? I'm not sure. Hey, maybe next time I'll write about that time I "went out" with Niki. Yeah, that's the ticket. Oh God. I'm out, y'all.

I think yeh were right, Jesse. I think I'll try actin' like a man.

1/02/2006 06:54:00 PM | Comments (0)

New

Lake Fever - The Tragically Hip

I'm just writing this down for posterity's sake and so I can have some sort of record that this actually happened.

I had friends over at my house for New Year's Eve. Wow.

I mean, it's rare enough that I have any non-family, non-Brian, Gary, Jess, Will, Max people over. But to have people over on New Year's Eve, an event which most people celebrate by, you know, going somewhere cool and doing something fun, was awesome. Interesting people! In my house! I kept saying, "Man, I'm so happy that you guys are here," but I think people were questioning my sincerity. Trust me, I was genuinely happy to have such esteemed company over and the only kind of person who would patronize his guests in such an obvious manner would be someone who is a good host and that, I assure you, I am not.

I got to play 13 Dead End Drive with a dozen people, which was a thrill. Sure, only like, 4 of them were actually interested in it but hey, the visual was still there. It was exciting even though I lost to Gary, Chris and Brian. I divided us into groups of 3 but Max and Fontaine both ditched me. Max left first, so Fontaine's resignation was met with an "Et tu, Fontaine?" I thought I was pretty funny.

Then we sat around and watched the New Year's ball drop. It was nice. I've never experienced a New Year's party without my extended family around. Scanning my living room and seeing the likes of Shirley Manh and Fontaine Liu and Chris Sue and the rest...surreal. My cockles were nicely warmed, I can tell you that for sure. I don't even know what that means. After, I became worried that people were only sticking around because they didn't want to appear rude by being the first to leave. I started to feel itchy. However, I think everyone was happy to have a place to sit down and chill out so I hope that in that capacity at least, I helped out. I don't think people are going to want to come to my house again, but that's okay. Once was probably more than enough.

It was nice to see everyone again and I do miss them even though, for the life of me, I cannot explain why.

Here's to 2006!

*****

You're my boy, Blue! Forever.

One time, Mr. Harry said lookin' at me was proof there was no God. But April said, listenin' ta me, was proof there was. She's proof there is, too. Ain't a boy aroun' ain't head over heels fo' her--always buyin' her nice presents, takin' her fancy places--vyin' fo' her affections...but when I place my horn to my lips, all them other boys don't stand a chance. I know I'm ugly. I'll never touch her skin...but my music strokes her soul. It's all I have.

1/01/2006 08:19:00 PM | Comments (0)