What did the Mexican put under his carpet?

UNDERLAY UNDERLAY UNDERLAY!!!

Hahaha Bonner!

12/31/2005 05:56:00 AM | Comments (0)

Lazy Christmas

Lazy Sunday - Chris Parnell And Andy Samberg

Quick story: Gary and I were driving around doing our (3rd? 4th?) annual round of Christmas greetings on Sunday. I had a wild hair up my ass and I forced him to drive to Adriana's house so I could talk to her and drop off a present I'd bought (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire poster). She wasn't home. We came by twice. The second time I just left it wedged in the handle of the front door.

(On an unrelated note, the highlight of the day was probably an awkward hug from Mandy who was wearing nothing but a robe, I think. I'm not even sure she knew who I was. It was sort of like, "Eeeh, better hug this guy just in case." She was also likely delirious from some sort of flu.)

Monday. I see her for the first time in two weeks. I spend the whole day trying to figure out if she got the present and if she knew it was me. She doesn't bring it up at all. Did I get the wrong house? Did she assume it was someone else? Maybe she knows its me and thinks it's best to just not acknowledge it. I'm babbling.

I don't know. I guess I wanted to make a post that had nothing to do with Lazy Sunday (yeah, the lyrics aren't perfect, but I was looking for a non-blog site). Ah, well.

I finally saw someone get hit by a car. Nailed! This guy got hit right in the hip. That's your centre of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air like Eddy Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.

12/28/2005 05:24:00 AM | Comments (0)

I was watching basketball highlights on The Score, and during a Wade-to-Shaq alley oop against the Bucks, Sid Seixeiro exclaimed "Flash + Shaq = crazy delicious". No lie. And I know I wasn't tripping, because right afterwards, Tim Micallef followed with a "Gotta pack it up nice!" for another highlight.

Then later when the Troy Glaus trade was being reported, during clips of Glaus jacking balls (hahaha) into the stands, Sid once again went back and said "that's crazy delicious too!"

And just look at this!

It's everywhere! At this rate, it's going to reach cowbell-level within a month or two. Ridiculous!

12/27/2005 11:58:00 PM | Comments (0)

New info...

Mr.Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy delicious

From the wiki on Mr.Pibb:
"One line of the rap song suggests that Pibb plus Red Vines equals "crazy delicious." This hypothesis remains conjectural while further study has been promised on the matter."

Indeed. We need this shit shipped to us NOW. That's what I want for Christmas.

12/25/2005 11:54:00 AM | Comments (0)

Hey WAMBAGgers, what's crackin'?

As a follow-up to Yak's post, here are the downloadable links to Lazy Sunday, man's greatest creation.

DivX.

And just for you, Max, the iPod-friendly version.

ADDENDUM: Oh yea, and for you visually-challenged bastards, here's the mp3.

12/24/2005 04:31:00 PM | Comments (0)

Heh.

Huh.

Hurm.

Snack attack, muthafucka.

12/24/2005 04:23:00 AM | Comments (0)

I woke up today feeling a strange distant yearning for Sara Tanaka and Eggo Waffles. I don't know what's up with that. I did manage to satisfy one of those yearnings this morning though.

I also finally realized another link between Rushmore and Old School (well...not really Old School the movie, but like...the Old School Hollywood posse) besides Sara Tanaka. And Luke Wilson. And Owen Wilson, who wrote. And Wes Anderson's numerous links to the Wilsons and Ben Stiller. Aside from all those. It was bugging me for a bit, because I kept forgetting that Jason Schwartzman was in Bewitched. But now I remembered. And we are all richer for it.

Bewitched completely bombed though. There were maybe like...two Ferrellisms the entire movie. It was like they tranquilized him for the entire thing. Even Kicking & Screaming had the minimal required standard of Ferrellism. And Steve Carell was in Bewitched as well - completely pointless and strange.

But I should have known. Nicole Kidman as a witch is never good. Practical Magic still ranks up (down?) there in the top (bottom?) five suckiest non-foreign movies I've ever sat through completely. That last qualifier needs to be noted though.

...so. Where was I? Right, link.

This is one of the rare new skits that I caught on television and enjoyed. You just know that the Awesometown guys were completely responsible for this. And more of that inherent homoerotic vibe...or is it just me?

I think I'm going to out and rent Race The Sun.

"I like your nurse's uniform, guy."
"These are O.R. scrubs."
O.R. they...?"

12/20/2005 03:08:00 PM | Comments (0)

In keeping with the inherent homoerotic vibe of all our posts, I present to you my greatest treasure of the day - a brief 24 Season 5 promo.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

12/19/2005 12:45:00 AM | Comments (0)

Since the theme of the week - nay, the whole site - seems to be posts that are inherently gay, here's a commercial for a new Sony TV that I found breathtaking because it has all the colours of the rainbow. They have some "Behind the Scenes" videos here. It's impressive that although you may think that they used computer graphics to make the ad, as Barry Zuckercorn would say, "Nope, you're looking at balls."

12/17/2005 11:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

THIS SHIT IS PIMP

War Photographer - Jason Forrest

My brother introduced me to this cool music video that's currently being linked on Warren Ellis' website.

"War Photographer" by Jason Forrest Check it.

That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me. You know what that is? It's a porcelain gun made in Germany. It doesn't show up on your airport X-ray machines, and it cost more than you make here in a month.
You'd be surprised what I make in a month.
If it was more than a dollar ninety-eight I'd be surprised.

12/17/2005 01:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

I don't know much, but I do know this - someone is gonna be rich. Filthy, stinking rich.

Someone's gonna get paid. Paid up the wazoo!

In rape dollars.

...you know, that seems like a good note to end on. I'm going to bed. Good night!

12/17/2005 02:31:00 AM | Comments (0)

Overdue

All I See Is You - Dusty Springfield

I've been having one of those "damn, life is good when you don't have to think about school" weeks. And let me tell you, damn life is good. Not perfect, but good. And I'll take that these days.

*****

The company Christmas dinner was a'ight. Same as last year. I had a much better seating arrangement this year though. Last year I sat next to this girl, Ashley (who was fired) and this white guy Greg (good fellow, quit some months back). I still couldn't get a seat with Adriana because I was working that day so I was one of the last people to get there. Let's just say she didn't have trouble finding company. However, I did manage to get a seat in the corner next to Christina and in front of Amber. Christina is an odd girl. She's super social and chatty and generally nice, though she definitely has her moments of poser-ness. She's white, what do you expect? She's the only person at work who I told about the Adriana thing, which in retrospect was a mistake. Amber I've mentioned in this space before. She's such a dork, I love her. She didn't show up last year, partly because she was busy and partly because, like me, I think she hates these things. She didn't leave her seat to schmooze all night. That was fine with me. We get along just fine. Maybe I should tell her about Adriana. Hmm...

At last year's raffle I won a box of cookies. This year, I won a $40 dollar turkey. Well, actually I won an empty envelope that says "One $40 turkey-to be picked up from Mike." I'm genuinely afraid that I show up at work with my prize and they just go like, "What the fuck is this? An empty envelope? You want a turkey for 'dis? Get outta here!" And you know I wouldn't say shit. When I won I went up screaming "We did it! We did it!" I had this whole speech prepared, but I chickened out and didn't do it. I did hug my manager Irvin though, which made everyone VERY uncomfortable, I'm sure.

Christina spent the whole night trying to kiss this guy, Sid. He's an alright kid, kind of a dick sometimes. What she sees in him, I'll never know. She was my ride though, so I didn't say nothin' to her. At the end of the night she was obviously trying to kiss him and I swear he actually had to push her head away. I laughed within. I said my good-byes a little too early so I was left standing out in the snow waiting for Christina to finish getting rejected. Eventually Adriana came out.

She was like, "Hey Mr. Anti-social."

And I was like, "Goddammit I'm in love with you." Well, in my head.

She told me that she screamed "Soy Dream" when I was getting my prize. I didn't hear her. Soy Dream is our little inside joke. I won't get into the details, it's not that interesting. For the second year in a row, I spent the whole party not talking to her until the last five minutes or so, by which time it was way too late. Next year, I guess.

*****

The whole week I've either been playing College Hoops 2k6 or working. That's seriously it. I haven't worn anything besides my pajamas and my uniform. I lead a charmed life.

The only problem that came up this week was EVERY FUCKING MACHINE AT WORK MALFUNCTIONING!!! Normally I wouldn't care, I'd just call whoever was in the office to take care of it...oh shit, I'M IN THE FUCKING OFFICE!!! So I'm the one who has to call tech support (God bless 'em they're so helpful and patient) three or four times a day and manually run from the office to the register back and forth to fix the damn things! I'm not even sure if that was a proper sentence, but I ain't fixin' it now. That's how crazy these machines make me. And the shifts are filled with new kids. Lord, I can only take so much.

Worst of all, I won't even get to see Adriana this week. Normally, no matter how much shit I have to put up with at work, at least she's usually there to make me feel better. It's funny, sometimes just making eye contact with her and seeing her smile is enough to improve my day.



I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

*****

The real reason that I'm writing this post, despite all that other stuff, is to thank Natasha. I wouldn't be enjoying anything right now if it wasn't for her. Last Friday I was struggling to finish this 20th Century Canadian Fiction essay that was already four days late. I had no motivation, no inspiration. Nothing. It's like, one or two in the morning when she pops up online.

Natasha: what are YOU doing up!
Me: Trying to finish this forsaken essay
Natasha: lol

Just communicating with another human being that late at night is always comforting. The one thing about working on an assignment or studying for something that late at night is you feel like you're the only person still awake in the whole world. Moving on, she had her own problems.

N: i am going to fail this eng exam
M: What a coincidence, I'm not going to finish this essay. It was due four F'ing days ago.
N: hahahahaha U CAN DO IT
this exam is 20% and I have not read ONE book
and I have not been to class in a month but I have notes
i just feel depressed LOL
M:I haven't written a single word!!!

I wanted to scream, I swear. I thought, no one will blame me if I just give up here and tell my prof to go screw himself. I can't take it anymore...I cannot take it anymore...I...

N: i believe in u

I finished the essay at about seven in the morning. We talked on and off throughout the night. I save the conversation, the only time I've ever done that. Not just because it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but as a testament to how amazing Natasha is. Maybe it's easy for her to say things like that, but it still means so much to me that she does. She could say it a hundred times and its value would never diminish. I was seriously not going to finish the essay, but four simple words, written with no grammatical consideration: i believe in you, made me do it. They improved me. This is what immediately followed.

N: how much penalty is it per day
M: 2%, so not that bad.
N: good good
M: Why'd you have to go believe in me like that?
N: *smilz*
cuz I LOVE YOU!

I love her too.

What's the matter, cowboy? Ride too rough?
I don't like to fly.
Then what are you doing here?
I don't like to lose either.

12/16/2005 12:38:00 PM | Comments (0)

I should probably say something witty here.

...

Fuck you.

The Barebell Incident - Only because he's white.

Girl Has Seizure After 5 Hours Of Video Gaming - "She loves to play video games, the station reported. She spent five hours straight playing a video game over the weekend. Her marathon session led to a frightening situation." Ahahahahahahahahahahaha

A gingerbread computer - Those crazy Swedes. Just click "Nästa sida".

Done!

Ahm a cop you eediought!

12/14/2005 03:43:00 PM | Comments (0)

Two quick links to keep this site alive.

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight - Sure, it's fake, but the headline is worth posting regardless. Full marks for effort. Ha ha, "Kâmpóng Chhnãng." Awesome.

Delco Cat Toys - Tim Meadows and Chris Parnell are possibly the greatest second bananas ever. My favourite bit is Tim Meadows' pensive finger-on-lips look. I'm surprised I haven't seen this one before - there's some real possiblities for line mining in this one. We'll have to give it a floor run, see if it plays.

Now back to these "exam" thingies!

12/13/2005 01:58:00 AM | Comments (0)

Choking Yak's Provoking Facts!

- I was walking through Fairview Mall (SEARS, specifically) on my way to the subway, and I got a free knife. They were just handing them out. So I got one. A nice little surgical stainless steal paring knife, two or three inch long blade, $5.00 retail value. For some reason, this really made my day. I like it!

- New costume design for Blue Beetle III. I like it!

- I think I'll take my time in another future post to address all these Blue Jays transactions (I like them), but I just wanted to say for now...if we signed Nomar, it would be awesome. NOMAR!!!

- Speaking of baseball, I rather enjoyed this article by Geoff Baker. Only for this little blurb...

"After lunch, Star columnist Richard Griffin and I head back to the media room to peruse the Internet. We scour a couple of baseball forums, checking to see how many people are insulting him on this particular day. I offer a couple of suggestions on how to best antagonize the repeat offenders in his next column. He duly notes them."

Richard Griffin is the Blue Jays' Dave Feschuk. Always nay saying. But it's nice to know that he knows he's a jackass. The difference is that I think Richard Griffin's just a grumpy old man, whereas I'm sure that Dave Feschuk can't get an erection without writing some hate filled column about the Raptors. The Toronto Star sucks anyway - I mean, how can you take a publication seriously if they only saw fit to give the greatest movie of all time just one star? Fuck that, I give YOU one star. How you like that?

- Picture puns! I got Guns N' Roses, Smashing Pumpkins, U2, and then I just gave up. See how many you can spot, and then go away and tell someone else. I like the Sex Pistols.

- I like to think that as a Chinaman, I would completely own any given episode of Fear Factor. Live beetles? Deer testicles? Come on now. But I might actually balk at some of these items. I don't think the entertainment value is in the "oh my God, he ate that?" factor, but in the writing style. I like the smartass comments he has for every foodstuff.

- Another YTMND! Picard IS the Empire: A Night at the Hothberry. I cannot stop laughing at this one. Those songs have no right to mix together that well. And Data's face just kills me. I like it!

"I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy!"
"What part of Jamaica?"
"...right by da beach...BOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIII!!!"

12/09/2005 05:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

Where do Eskimos kept their money?

In SNOW BANKS!!!

Uh...Jordan!

(I apologize if you've used this one already, AL. But I did a search for "masturbating" and "gay porn" and it returned so many results that my computer exploded.)

"Kids, where's your father?"
"He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn."
"Again?"

12/08/2005 11:32:00 PM | Comments (0)

Goddamn, I wasn't fast enough.

Here is the link for the new X-Men 3 (X3? XIII? I>I<I?) teaser, courtesy of that tagboard-breaking-hooligan Sheep. Except now the link will be recorded forever and ever in the form of a blog post, instead of a tagboard tag. And also now I can fix the tagboard.

I don't really have any comments at this point aside from "It looks wicked awesome." I see Colossus there in uniform, so this movie's already lookin' up! Maybe some more notes later.

I just wanted to get a post up because it feels unnatural to look at this page and not see a post with my name on it. I'm not complaining - it just freaks me out, that's all. I have two relatively larger posts typed up, but things have gotten silly...and...just gimme some time, okay!?! Just everybody cool out. ...COOL OUT!!!

But mainly I just wanted to post these two YTMND's...
Math is Pwned!
Vader Sings!

...can't...fucking...breathe...I'm in tears over that math one. And in case you were wondering - wait for it in Rocketman. And again in the next song, but in reverse!

More posts later.

Fill my heart with song
and let me siiing for evermore
Yooou are all I long for
All I worship...and adore

In other words...pleeease be true
In other words...I love you

DOO doo dodo dooo badaba daa daa bada daa...

12/06/2005 02:14:00 AM | Comments (0)

Gingerbread Love

Free To Decide - The Cranberries

Before I get into the good stuff, I just want to discuss a few trailers. Firstly, here's a link to the Dead Or Alive trailer for anyone who hasn't seen it. I found it via the glorious VG Cats website, which is as hilarious as ever. The Van Helsing potential on this film is off the charts. It's unchartable.

And from the great Uwe Boll comes a couple of gems. Click on the name and check out the trailers for Bloodrayne and (God help us) In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. I won't ruin them for you except to say that the Bloodrayne one has moderate VH potential, while the Dungeon Siege one looks insanely bad on so many levels. Look for a trailer-stealing moment by Matthew Lillard (!). I AM YOUR KING!!!

*****

After some last minute planning and packing, I made it to the Greyhound station just as the bus to Guelph was boarding. Of course, that probably wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't gotten off at Bay station, which was about six blocks away. As everyone knows though I'm the master of time like fucking Temple Fugate. Yeah, I looked that one up. The bus ride was as peaceful as could be. I thoroughly enjoyed it, much like I used to enjoy the long car rides that my dad used to force me to go on. I kind of miss them now.

When I met up with Annia, she was finishing one of her Landscape Architecture projects. You should see these things. The detail that goes into them is mind-numbing. It's like in New Avengers #3, when Captain America tells Spider-Man that everytime he sees him fight he is amazed. Everytime I see Annia at work, I am amazed. I don't think she understands how impressed I am.

We were concerned about how things were going to work out later that night as we were supposed to meet up with Shirley and go to this dinner and dance thing at around 7:30. As of 5:30, Shirley was a no-show. There was a shitload of other things that she had to do that day and I totally would have understood if she couldn't make it. Annia probably would have strangulated her.

I decided to change in her living room since I'd have more space that way. It was a great idea until her roommate walked in. I was almost fully dressed at that point, but if she had come in ten minutes earlier she would have caught an eyeful of the Big Albowski if ya know what I mean. Too bad for her.

As I waited for Annia to get ready (and then Shirley when she showed up), I caught three episodes of Seinfeld and a Simpsons. I don't have time to watch those shows these days and flipping through a hundred channels is a pain in the ass, so good times.

After approximately sixteen hours, the girls were ready to go. I don't think it needs to be mentioned how lovely they were. Oh, whoops. Anyway, we hit the bus like the bums we were (we were the only ones dressed up, which delighted Shirley to no end) and faster than you can say "This is going to be awkward" we were at the Holiday Inn Oakwood Hall in time for dinner.

A torrent of thoughts ran over me as I entered the environment of the Guelph Landscape Architects. I was excited. I was intimidated. There were a lot of white people. I was one of only two Chinese guys there and the other dude was on the other side of the room. I thought I was going to break out into hives. Still, it was Annia's night and I was happy to escort her and Shirley around as they mingled and schmoozed and all that. Shirley is obviously a lot better at this sort of thing that I am, but thankfully, she chose not to ditch me though she probably could have done it in a second. For that, I am grateful I assure you. I remarked to her, "The only thing I find more frightening than a room full of fun-loving white people is a room full of drunken, fun-loving white people." She kept me company for most of the night and I was reminded that she is an amazing friend.

We ended up sitting at the reject table with a couple of fellow students that Annia knew and a girl one of them brought. They seemed like decent folk. It was cool though, because during the raffle everyone at our table won something. That's six prizes out of about twenty. And there were over a hundred people there. The funniest part was when I asked Shirley to go and get my prize for me, because I was embarrassed to go up, and then her name was called immediately after so everyone saw her go up twice. She tried to explain what was happening by pointing back at the table, but I think I slumped down and covered my face enough for them not to notice me. At least one guy said, "That girl is so hot" so something good came out of it. Of course, he was hammered out of his mind and he probably would have said the same thing about me, but that's besides the point.

The major lowlight of the night was the DJ who I shall henceforth refer to as DJ Dumbmotherfucker. DJ Dumbmotherfucker looked like Russell from the Wayne's World movie. DJ Dumbmotherfucker played Cotton Eye Joe. DJ Dumbmotherfucker played a lot of great songs from the 80s that had no place at a dance in the new millenium. DJ Dumbmotherfucker teased playing Gold Digger all night and when he finally played it, he spliced it into the Grease Megamix after the second verse ("I'm just mixing things up a bit folks," he said). DJ Dumbmotherfucker is going to be DJ Motherfuckindead if I ever see him on the street. Near the end, it just got retarded. He started playing songs that nobody heard of because the party started clearing out around 12:30 and he must have been booked until 1:00. Like, "Shit, I want to go home. Maybe if I play some Glass Tiger B-sides I can get these people out of here."

Overall it was a decent event. Hell, I can't complain. Between the grade eight vibe that the atmosphere was giving off and the not-so-subtle lesbo vibe that Annia and Shirley were giving off, I was entertained. Later I told her, "I'm not sure whether it was the constant adjusting of each other's clothes or the two of you slow dancing to Lady In Red. Tough to pinpoint, really."

We went home and chilled out until about four in the morning watching music videos. We critiqued and joked and laughed. This song by Young Jeezy and Akon came on and when I made fun of Jeezy's name, Annia laughed because she thought his name was Young Jesus. She also marvelled at how dark Akon was and I explained to her that he was BLT (which my cousin Derek tought me). If you don't know what that means, um...ask me later. There was a lot of other good stuff, I wish I could remember it all.

When I woke up, I had a slight crink in my neck from sleeping on the couch. Annia made me drink some wine first thing in the morning, which was as disgusting as it sounds. I felt so dirty. And French. Or is that a redundancy? She made up for it though when she revealed the surprise she'd prepared for us: A gingerbread house building kit! Obviously, her and Shirley were a bit more excited than I was since I have had many traumatic experiences with anything even remotely related to arts and crafts, but it was still fun. Once Annia got over her initial wine hangover (one fucking cup!), construction was underway. It was shaky at first, as we began by adding too much water during the frosting creation. The solution, apparently, was to just add more flour and meringue stuff, which seemed like a bad idea to me but what the hell do I know? In true ghetto fashion, we poured the frosting into a plastic bag to make a makeshift frosting bag (if there's a technical term for that sort of thing, let me know please).

Here's the short version: The house was covered in frosting, there was nary a spot that was not graced with some sort of chocolate or gummy treat, and Shirley made sure that all the requisite "caulk" jokes were made. Classy gal, that one. When it was all wrapped up, we were totally wasted from the sugar fumes. Suffice to say, the house was not consumed at project's end. Through a series of juvenile comments (and a decoration that looked not unlike cleavage), the house eventually was christened the Stiff Peaks Brothel. I could probably ask Annia for the pictures, but suggest you just head over to her blog or Shirley's sometime within the next week. They'll have it covered. Uh, don't read Shirley's blog too much though, because I have been doing that recently and I've noticed some similiarities in our style.

Shirley and I left around 4:30, bidding a tearful (well, not so much) goodbye to our friend who is heading off to Thailand in ten days.

Just a couple more fortunate occurences. I made it to Finch Station at about 6:50, which is five minutes after the bus I usually catch arrives. When I emerged from the station, there was my bus waiting for me. For once I benefited from those bastards being late. Who did I run into on the bus? One Caroline Walker. We talked for a bit, though I feel bad because I almost made her miss her stop and because she was under the weather. Her nose was lit up like a christmas ornament. Or like my face after one cup of wine in the morning.

I got home in time to catch most of the Raptors game, which they won(!). There were also three other games on tonight. A couple of days away from work and school, dinner, dance and ginger bread house making with two cool chicks, and a smorgasbord of basketball games when I got home. I am a lucky man.

Farewell, Stiff Peaks!

*****

Kramer: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
Elaine: At work?
Kramer: No. At your apartment.
Elaine: I don't have a fax machine.
Jerry: Here we go.
Kramer: Well, now what are we gonna do? See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
Jerry: And a dead bolt.
Kramer: Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.
Elaine: Then maybe you have a fax machine.
Kramer: You just blew my mind.

12/03/2005 05:18:00 AM | Comments (0)

Now Mr. T can give you directions in your car. Be sure to play the little video link.

I guess this warrants a link to the Mr. T Fact Generator as well.

12/01/2005 12:44:00 PM | Comments (0)