I was walking around downtown tonight, and I ran across this group of children dressed up as pirates, witches, and whatnot, and I got so confused. I was like "What the hell are these kids doing dressed up like this? Are they going to a play or something?"

And then I realized it was Halloween, and I had wrote a thousand word post about it the night before.

10/31/2005 11:37:00 PM | Comments (0)

For roughly a decade of my life, Halloween was my favouritest holiday ever. Beat out Christmas every year. But it's sad now, because no one over the age of 12 understands what the true meaning of Halloween is. So let me tell you what the true meaning of Halloween is.

The true meaning of Halloween is trick or treating. Everything else is irrelevant.

Halloween isn't about eating healthy. That's just retarded. Every time I hear about some idiot "health expert" warning parents of Halloween treats, I want to kill somebody's dog to get an erection. Yes, kids are getting fatter and stupider with every day. But it's not because they eat a couple of (dozen) candy bars on Halloween - it's because you idiot parents feed them McDonald's the other 364 days of the year and their soulless after-school cartoons imported from Japan don't teach them that knowing is half the battle. Children have insane metabolisms. One night of wanton sugary debauchery will not last into the next day. An upset stomach or possible nightmare about a wish granting monkey paw at the worst.

Halloween is about trick or treating. And trick or treating is about candy. What's all this stupidness about giving out healthy treats? Granola bars? Boxes of raisins? Packs of mini-rice cakes? Apples!?! Man, what the hell you doing giving out apples to kids? If you give kids apples, they'll just throw it against your stupid house. I was listening to the radio today, and some "children's health expert" told parents to go down to the dollar store and get some Halloween stickers to give to trick or treaters instead. What the fuck is a kid going to do with Halloween stickers!?!

Asking parents to give out healthy alternatives to candy is like asking people to give socks to kids as Christmas presents. Or going to KFC for Thanksgiving. Or dressing up as a giant egg laying leporine monster for Easter. It's just stupid.

And no, despite popular opinion, Halloween isn't some glorified excuse to cosplay for a day. No, Halloween costumes are only for facilitating the trick or treating. Because if you go trick or treating without a costume, you're a fucking dumbass. People keep dressing up for Halloween, and over time when they get too old to trick or treat, but they still dress up because they don't know what else to do. You can't hate cosplayers for January through October, then go cosplaying yourself on Halloween, and then go back to hating cosplayers for November and on. For the record though, The WAMBAG does not condone cosplay hating. In fact, we actually heartily condone all cosplaying in general, and are in fact cosplay lovers, not cosplay haters. Just like how Street Fighter is a great movie, as opposed to a bad one.

And no, Halloween isn't All Hallow's Eve, the most magical day of the year, when the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest, or any other of that weird ass dark/evil/gothic stuff. Because that's just stupid.

No, Halloween is about running around from house to house in the chilly autumn air, running through people's gardens because it's faster that way, and seeing who can jump over the highest bush on the way to the next door. It's about wearing a stupid rubber mask on your face because fuck it, you just can. It's about childhood innocence, enjoying yourself before your life is ruined by words you don't even know the meaning of, like "midterm" or "Chlamydia". It's about meeting up with other bands of trick or treaters, to compare stashes, and to share tactical layouts of visited neighbourhoods - which houses give out full-sized chocolate bars, and which houses give out raisins or those no name Halloween candies that no one ever eats. It's about knowing which houses you should visit first, because they have the best loot, so you can double back on them at the end of the night after they've forgotten you. It's about visiting the houses that give out cans of pop last, because goddamn those babies are heavy. It's about returning home with the bounty of the hunt, weighing each bag to see who got the most goodies. It's about dumping all your candy out on the living room floor, sorting them into categories of chocolates, lollipops, chips, fruit gummies, and shit no one wants that is given out to late trick or treaters that ring your doorbell. It's about trading all your gum balls to the one kid that likes them for actual candy, like Crunch or Kit Kat bars or those slices of gummy fruit with sugar and stuff on them that no one knows the name of. It's about eating enough candy to make yourself sick, and then eating some more just because you can, but not because you want to. It's about saving the best stuff for later in your sock drawer, only to realize ten months later that yes, candy can go bad. And Halloween is about how some things only happen once a year, for only a couple years of your life, and how you have to learn to enjoy limited occasions like that because you'll never get them again when you grow up.

Halloween's about a lot of things, but no one actually seems to know what they are. But kids do. So enjoy it, you stinky rat bastards. Enjoy it because you'll never enjoy it again. Such is life.

10/30/2005 10:31:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just a couple of links for now.

- Bruce Lee screen test. Bruce Lee is awesome. And check out what he says when he's demonstrating groin punches or whatever. Straight from the mouth of the greatest Chinaman of all time. How can you argue with that authority? It's all true. It's all deadly.

- This is just fucked up.

- Full House bloopers. Wow. Uncle Joey's such an asshole.

- Winning lottery ticket purchased with stolen credit card. Whatever, I just thought the end bit was too damn funny.

A search warrant served at her home Thursday turned up some methamphetamine, but little money, George said.

"Our investigation is still trying to determine what happened to the $33,500," George said.

I mean, what's the difference between that and this...?

A search at the Simpsons residence Thursday turned up some pastry crumbs, but no whole donuts.

"Our investigation is still trying to determine what happened to the stolen donuts," Wiggum said.

SHE'S A FREAKING METH ADDICT!!! How hard is this to figure out!?!

And then of course, Kung Fu is very sneaky - you know the Chinese...they always hit low.

10/30/2005 01:34:00 AM | Comments (0)

Balance

Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie

I can't believe that I didn't own a CD player until recently. I had no idea what I was missing. My brother got me this cheap one from Walmart. It's got, like, no features but the headphones are great. The quality is super high. At least, I think it is. I suppose I have no reference. Regardless, it has changed my life. It helps that I've got some fine music to listen to.

Everyone should listen to Apologies To The Queen Mary by Wolf Parade. It came out about a month ago now and I listen to it CONSTANTLY. If you haven't heard of them, they're a mix between The Arcade Fire and Modest Mouse. I hate simplifying a band like that. The influence of those two bands is obvious, but they've clearly learned their lessons well and they've crafted a beautiful, textured, funny, terrifying and mesmerizing album. Yes, all those things. It's hurt my already hurting social life. One, because I'd rather listen to the CD than listen to another human being. Two, because everytime I actually do talk to another person it's about the CD. And I get mad when they say, "I don't get it." What's not to get? It's fucking brilliant. It's like someone saying that they don't get Arrested Development. You just sound retarded. I got a chance to see the band again at The Horseshoe Tavern. If anyone has been there before, I think they'll agree that the sound quality is shit. If I hadn't heard the CD a million times already, I wouldn't have been able to recognize any of the songs. It was still insanely awesome.

I've yet to listen to Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple (can't wait), Live It Out by Metric (sorry, Annia), Healthy In Paranoid Times by Our Lady Peace (whatever), and Plans by Death Cab For Cutie (I'm stuck on the above song). My current rotation includes Wolf Parade, Spiritual Machines by Our Lady Peace (their best album), Late Registration by Kanye West, XO by Elliott Smith (R.I.P.) and, of course, Ready To Die by The Notorious B.I.G.. By the way, does anyone know an easy way to repair a CD case. I cracked the cover of Spritual Machines and I've got the nice black case, which I think might have been limited edition. Fuck.

I had no idea what a thrill it was to walk around with music buried in your skull. Especially at UofT. The campus has the perfect mix of of gorgeous scenery and depressed human beings that makes music not only preferable, but absolutely necessary. At last, I can drown out the endless moaning that permeates the streets. There's really no way to properly describe the feeling of walking down St. George street, surrounded by miserable students and having A Kiss To Build A Dream On by Louis Armstrong in your ears.

Take away my television, my movies, my video games, my sports, my money, my house, my job, my friends, my family. Just leave me with my music, please.

*****

I'm working in the office at work now. I'm a bean counter. I had my first day alone last Thursday. I lost track of almost five grand. I called in the next day to apologize and apparently I just missed a zero somewhere. Even after that, I was still a bit short, but not five thousand short so...phew. I had my second day today. And guess what? I did it. I fuckin' did it. I counted it all up and bingo-bango, every penny was accounted for. I was so happy, you have no idea. While I was waiting outside the store for my ride, it was freezing cold and I didn't give a damn. I was doing a jig. I just needed to do it right once, so I knew how. I'll never screw up again.

Apparently, I'm still obsessed with Adriana. What, you thought I was going to turn it off like that? Well, so did I. I was reading that post I made about her, the one about how commited I was to the whole thing, and I laughed. However, I've been an emotional wreck over the last couple of weeks and I'm definitely still attracted to her so maybe I wasn't being so crazy after all. I wish I was. I had hoped it wasn't too late, but I got in too deep. As it stands, I'm still trying to dig myself out. Today, she kept me company in the office while I was frantically counting everything. I want to say something. I'm this close.

*****

Next week I'll be twenty one years old. That is so pathetic. I believed, I truly believed that there would be so much more than this right now.

I was talking to my friend Alice the other day, this younger girl who lives on my street. We used to ride the school bus together. She's in first year now at UofT, so we run into each other every now and then. She was telling me how her sleep habits were getting screwed up and how her work ethic was deteriorating. It was a textbook UofT case. I told her that she could not allow that to happen. I told her how the only reason I was even in school was because I wanted to make my parents happy. I can't stand it. I warned her about living a life of obligation.

The rant extended into my lunch with Natasha on Wednesday. She was happy to see me and she brought her friend Lucy, who was sweet. She wanted to just chill out, but I was in one of my moods and was being a real pain in the ass. I don't know why, but I was whining about everything. Nothing new, just the usual stuff (work, school, no girl), but I was suffering from a lack of sleep, which gave my complaints an edge. Natasha, God bless her, sat there and took every bit of it and laughed when she should laugh and looked sad when she should have felt sad. When we walked, she put her arm around mine, because she knew it would make me feel better. It did. I swear, I swear, she is the only girl in the world who doesn't immediately recoil from my touch. She deserves better company.

I was telling her about that guy from work who I argued with. I told her how I wasn't angry or proud, just sad. I realized that as much as I judged that guy for wasting his time and coming into the store, I'm pretty much the same way. Here is a guy who is unhappy with something in his life and he refuses to change because it is inconvenient for him and he doesn't know how. I bitch all the time about my job and school but I could just quit and drop out. It would be that easy. Wouldn't it?

*****

So yeah, things at work finally worked out and I've got a great friend and I got to see Wolf Parade live for a second time and I've got more music in my life than ever and I get to watch Arrested Development on DVD anytime I want and basketball is coming back and...and...I know things are so good right now. I know that. But I'm bored and I'm miserable and I wish Adriana would fall for me because that would save me a lot of time and effort. I have to wake up in a few hours to go to a class that I'm going to fall asleep in. Then I have to go home almost immediately to go to work. I wish I had real problems, so I could be motivated to find real solutions. As it stands, I remain in vile contentment.

Oh, Jesus, look at me. I'm cryin'. You don't know. You don't know what's happening. On that island they got writers, scientists, artists, and what they're doing...I mean, I done some bad things. I did bad things to women. I shot kids! In 'Nam I shot kids...but I never did anything like, like...oh, mother. Oh, forgive me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me...I mean, what's funny? What's so Goddamned funny? I don't get it. Somebody explain...somebody explain it to me.

- The Comedian, Watchmen: Chapter 2

10/28/2005 01:21:00 AM | Comments (0)

24 Season 5 teaser.

That's really all that needs to be said. January, baby!

10/27/2005 11:13:00 PM | Comments (0)

So I'm coming home from class yesterday, planning to get some desperately needed nappy time on the subway. I'm walking to the platform, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a familiar looking, almost-middle-aged Chinese guy. I immediately change direction and go into full stealth mode, because I don't want any unnecessary social interaction with my friends, much less random Chinese people I don't completely recognize.

But it's too late. "HEY!" He steps into my line of sight, and he's caught me. My brain is half mush after that three hour night lecture, completely unresponsive, and has the cognitive abilities of a rotten orange, but I still gotta find a way to weasel out of this. First things first - who the hell is this guy? What is the nature of my relationship with this guy? What can I use to get out? Does he owe me money? Do I owe him money? Is he pregnant with my illegitimate child? Did I call him "the captain of the good ship USS Fagboat" on an internet forum?

So I smile, give him an upward head nod, and throw him the standard line while I prepare to race through my brain for evidence of his identity. "Hey man, how's it going? What you up to these days?" That usually buys me a couple of extra seconds for ye olde brain to search for his file, and his answer to what he's up to these days (School? Work? Family? Mentions of our mutual interest or friend?) will give me crucial clues to lead me to his identity.

"Good!" Dammit! He answered the first question and not the second. I didn't factor in the possibility that his English would be so bad. I got nothing. My mind is racing, frantically throwing up loose papers from my messy desk of a brain. Where have I seen this guy before? Why is he greeting me? Dammit, I know I put these papers here somewhere. He asks me what I'm doing out so late, and I cheerfully tell him I got a late class. Then in a relative flash of brilliance, I decide to ask him what he's doing out so late. He says something I don't understand in completely broken English, and I smile and nod like I understand.

We're making inane small talk about the subway a hundred and twenty seconds later when I finally make the connection. My mind prints out his file to me like the old school Adam West Batcomputer, making noise like a dot matrix printer. It makes me even more confused than before.

It's Jonas Zhang. (Zhong? Zhamanov...?) Worked five cubicles from me at the company I was at during the summer. I helped him generate an error report once, and we've been at a couple of the same lunch meetings since we were technically on the same development team. That's the extent of our relationship.

I don't know why we're talking. Over the course of my life, I've exchanged like twenty words with him, maximum. Maybe he's just friendly. But I immediately reject that possibility and instead conclude that he is a pervert - a sexual deviant. I'm on Code Orange. At this point I'm replaying video footage of my summer job in my head, trying to remember if he ever caught me stealing notepads for summer school or if there's some other dark secret we share. This whole experience is making me very uncomfortable.

He interrupts my summer flick by asking me where I'm going or something, and with my mental capacity completely shot by that night lecture, I mumble out "Uh...Finch. I live in Richmond Hill...so I...uh...bus...stuff." Fuck. I don't know why I said that. Now I can't use the "Ulp! This is my stop!" line and jump out at Rosedale and wait for the next train. Now I'm stuck with him the whole way.

I have one last chance out. My only hope is that we get separated by the crowd as the train boards and shucks, too bad, can't sit with my old buddy Jonas. I pray for the subway to arrive as soon as possible. We haven't said something to each other for roughly twenty seconds, and it's got to the point where if we don't say something now, it's assumed the rest of the time following will be completely awkward silence because it'll be too difficult to say something or start a new conversation after so much silent time has passed. Thankfully it is at this point where I can see the subway turning the corner and coming towards the platform, so I say "Ulp, there's the train! Yee-up. Mmm hmm. There's the good old train. Here it comes." My last chance. The moment is upon us.

I stand perfectly still and let the crowd fill in between us as everyone lines up against the sides of the door, waiting to get in. I see Jonas slip in first, even before people have finished getting off the train. I hang at the back of the crowd, letting people in before me. I'm aiming to be the last guy in and having as many people as possible between us, making it impractical for me to walk over to him and share the lovely half hour subway ride up to Finch. So far it's working pretty well. I get into the subway train, the doors close behind me, and I can't see Jonas.

I'm out!

Then there's a slight part in the crowd and Jonas is in my direct line of sight, staring right back at me. I almost scream out loud. He shouts out "HEY!" and starts motioning me towards him. I start looking around, bobbing my head, trying to make it look like there's too many people for me to get past, but then the crowd parts some more, and I can see he's holding a seat for me. This woman is right there, wanting to sit down in the empty seat next to him, but he's got half of his ass hovering over it while waving frantically at me, and he's got the seat blocked off with his personal space bubble. The woman looks over, sees me, and gives me an incredulous stare, like "Are you with this guy? What the hell? Why can't I sit here?" I try pleasantly waving him off, but he only shouts at me louder and motions more frantically. The entire subway's looking at us, and I'm stuck again. I have no choice.

I'm back in.

So I'm sitting there in awkward silence, actively minding my legs, deathly afraid I'll slip and initiate knee-to-knee physical contact with him. I'm tired as hell, but I can't sleep because I'm in a middle seat and I have nothing to lean my head against. And what if I drool or I tip onto him while dozing off? Unacceptable. Five minutes in, and it's already been a worse subway ride than that one time I got pinned in by that crazy guy who would randomly shout nonsense at everyone on the train. It's five minutes in, and he turns to look at me and says "WILLIAM! THAT'S your name! Hahaha I couldn't remember it until now."

...

You motherFUCKER!!! I passed you a fuckin' Nestea during that one lunch meeting! I made that error report for you! And you couldn't even remember my fucking name!?! And meanwhile I spent a terrifying two minutes killing my brain trying remember if I you were going to break my thumbs or something? Dude, what the hell!?!

We spend the rest of the half hour in complete silence, with me trying not to fall asleep even though I really want to. Finally we pull into Finch, and it's time for another "Ulp, here we are! Yee-up. Mmm hmm. Good old Finch. Here we are." While we go up the escalator, I'm trying to decide on the proper move to compliment the "Okay, nice seeing you again!" I'm going to give him. Handshake? Quickly pat him on the side of the arm? With an open hand or a sideways fist? Maybe just a wave and another upward head nod? A formal French kiss? And before I can decide, I realize that we've reached the top and he's just walked past me and gave me the upward head nod. Crisis averted!

So with that bizarre encounter over with, it's time to go home uneventfully right? No, never, not for Yak. Because at the top of the escalator, ten paces forward, there's a white guy in a leather jacket, passed out on the floor. Or dead, I don't know. But the sight is so odd and my brain is so overworked by that last encounter that I don't know what to do, and I just keep walking while staring at him while I go through the rotating exit. And I immediately regret it. Because I want to make sure if he's at least alive, and now I'm stuck outside. The standard reaction would be to completely ignore him and assume that someone else would take care of him - which is what everyone else assumed.

And I feel like a dickless piece of trash. I think back to two years ago on the subway ride to school in the morning, when this guy fainted and fell to the floor right in front of me. He quickly came back to, and this other dude and I helped him up and directed him to the TTC guys when they showed up after we pressed the emergency stop. And I remember this woman with her kid, and I remember how the absolute first thing I heard, barely after the guy hit the ground, was this woman telling her kid loud enough for everyone to hear - "Don't help him, don't get involved!" And that made me so angry, watching this woman teach her kid to be an asshole in front of everyone. I mean, I don't care if you don't want your kid touching a druggie or whatever, but have some fucking class and don't yell it out in front of everyone. It made me angry. And it made me angry that I didn't have the heart to stay around and at least kick this leather jacket guy to make sure he was at least alive. I just assumed someone else would check on him, and while I watched from outside, no one did. And I didn't have any balls, so I hoped for the best and walked away.

I spent all of last night angry at myself. Imagining a Kitty Genovese type headline the next morning in the paper, "Thirty-Eight Who Saw Dying Guy Didn't Do Shit". And of course this lead to a whole cycle where I lamented at the astounding amount of apathy in my life, crippling me...and of course, how I'm too lazy to really do anything about it.

Though I'm not really that angry, because I'm too apathetic to have feelings that strong. I'm just a bit depressed at how sad I am. But in the end, I won't really care too much about that either. And that's pretty sad too.

Jesus, this post took a depressing turn at the end. I guess I'll just go get some sleep for now.

10/26/2005 11:14:00 PM | Comments (0)

I apologize. Five days without a post is ridiculous. Forgive me.

You know what else is ridiculous? That no one I've actually spoken to in person has seen Awesometown, one of the better links I've posted for the last couple of months and prime inspirational material for Five Seasons. Why do I bother putting this stuff up then!?!

Go watch it you buck futters.

I am depressed. Not because no one besides Sheep clicks my links - right from the start, I've gotten used to the idea that these posts have no purpose and thus no target audience. I don't even know why I complained about it at all. I'm depressed because I'm slow and lazy, and I've squandered three of my earliest ideas because I kept them locked up in The Vault. And now I've realized that they've already been done, and I don't have anything new.

1) iAttire. Actually I've never had this idea - I just thought this was the stupidest fucking thing I've seen this month and so it would make for an okay link. Rule of threes, and all that, you know?

2) Lord Of The Rings subbed in Engrish. I had this idea to sub...something (not the longest movie ever made, but...something) in Engrish, back when the site was still new. But then I put it in the vault, threw away the key, and forgot about it until now. I didn't watch any off the site, by the way - so I don't know if it's funny or not. I was just using it to whine.

3) Pretty straight forward webcam jackassery. I never said I had fantastic ideas. But this is particularly frustrating because I think they did it much better than I could have. They even have the material down as well as I do - I mean, even the "Yeah-ah-ah"'s in the background are covered. Also, bonus points for the guy in the back playing CS. I don't think I would have thought of that one either.
(EDIT: I caught a slip with the guy on the left - on the third last repeat of the chorus, he gears up for a "who you are" a beat too soon. Motherfuckerin' fobs ain't so great after all!)

I always thought that if I lived on residence and I didn't have the daily three hours of commuting sapping my life away, this site would be different. There would be...more. Not sure of what, but there would be more of it.

But this was supposed to be our time! Something has to be done. And now I'm all old and washed up. I'm bummed out, my well is dry, and I have no heart. And goddamn, that's frustrating.

Oh, and trained flies! Hahaha, look at 'em go! Oh, you crazyass Japs. What will we ever do with you?

10/23/2005 01:43:00 PM | Comments (0)

A mnemonic for pi.

Note the special guest appearance by StrongBad.

10/18/2005 01:41:00 AM | Comments (0)

Awesometown!

It's my type of show. So consider that your warning. Be sure to check out The Lonely Island episodes and the Kiefer Sutherland extras and whatnot (too lazy to provide links) when you have absolutely nothing to do.

Apparently one of those dudes is a SNL cast member now and the other two are SNL writers. So good for them!

That picture with Jack Black is kind of misleading though. He's not really involved at all. I do like his bit though.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."

10/17/2005 12:47:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is only funny to those who went to MDHS...

Or those who hate Hanson.

I'm going to jump on the quote bandwagon this one time:

The band... gave every student in the school a copy of their new album, "Underneath."

10/15/2005 01:09:00 PM | Comments (0)

Sometimes when I'm walking for ten minutes from class to class, I like to follow people. I walk behind them and synchronize my steps in time to theirs so that I'm walking just as far and just as fast as they are. It might look a bit weird, but I'm always hoping that no one really notices.

You know that saying "walk a mile in my shoes?" Yeah, that's the idea. How much can you tell about someone from the way they walk? I don't know, that's why I do it. Quick, short steps, numerous quick little pauses = a frosh that's late for a class that he doesn't know the location of? Slow, purposeful strides = dude knows where he's going, but doesn't really mind when he gets there...maybe one of my TA's that's always five minutes late?

You do it enough and you start thinking up stories for these people. Maybe this guy's slowly half-skipping his way to meet up with his girl for coffee, where he'll dump her because he's realized he prefers the company of men (who wouldn't?). Maybe this guy's travelling to an inter-gang breakdance battle, and he's conserving his energy and protecting his dancing-machines until he gets there. Maybe this girl stepped in some gum and that weird gimp in her right leg is because she's trying to rub it off on the ground because she can still feel a little bit of stickiness in her step even though she already spent like a whole minute trying to scrape it off on the stairs when she first realized she stepped in gum and now she's late for lunch with her friends and she doesn't want them to know she stepped in gum and laugh at her and call her the gum-stepping-loser-queen. Who knows!?! Only they do.

But maybe if I walk behind them long enough and walk the walk well enough, eventually I can figure some of it out. Like if I ever get to the point where I've gathered so much experience that I can break down someone's walking style just by looking at them. Like how baseball hitting or pitching coaches can look and criticize a player's swing or pitch mechanics. Like if I can break down a walk into a dozen different little mini-movement or katas, like when the Taskmaster was training USAgent how to throw a shield like the real Captain America and he realized that there were like a thousand tiny little nuances that he had to master first. Or if I can equate subtle body movements to emotions like...looks down at the floor while walking = social introvert, hands in pockets = suspicious, calculating something, high heel ankle = sexual frustration...I don't know, whatever. That's some Batgirl body reading ability right there.

Wouldn't it be the coolest thing to just be able to look at nothing else but the accelerograph of someone's walk and say like "Yep, this 5'4", 113.5-113.8 pound girl of Eastern European descent is clearly sexual frustrated, according to this pressure spike of the left heel at the 1.05 second mark and the consequent relatively light impression of the right tertiary toe at 1.34 seconds."? I could just open up a psychiatric office with a pressure sensitive welcome mat, and patients would be in-and-out in like thirty seconds flat.

This weekend while we were walking around Pacific Mall, out of nowhere, my mom just says to me that I have a defective walk. Not exactly her words (since she barely knows any English) but that's the impression I got from it. She says that I walk too much on the outsides of my feet, and that I walk like a tightrope walker. ...what the hell is that!?! I have a defective walk!?! Choking Yak - the anchor of the William Berczy Grade 8 100-Meter relay team (that only finished second in the 100-Meter sprint because Emu had an inhuman starting gate jump in the final heat) and the undisputed champion runner of Mr. Foote's Richmond Hill High School Grade 9 physical education class - that Choking Yak walks DEFECTIVELY? That's like saying Larry Bird's left hand is gimp, or that Martin Luther King had a lisp. I'm going to go get fitted for a custom walking shoe someday, like at one of those crazy places where they video tape your feet as you run on a treadmill. And then I'll see for sure whether or not my steps really are wacked out. Crazy mom, what does she know?

That would change everything though. A relevation like that shakes the very fundamental core of your being. I mean, isn't walking like the easiest thing to do in the world, next to breathing (provided that you still have a non-paralyzed, working body, of course)? So if I had asthma as a child, and I have a defective walk, doesn't that mean I've screwed up the two easiest things you can do in life? How could you live with that? You would be a complete utter failure as a human being. Suicide wouldn't even be good enough, since you couldn't even properly walk to the fucking bridge you want to jump off of.

Walking is fucking crazy. Did you know that? Holy SHIT.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

10/11/2005 06:33:00 PM | Comments (0)

I'm just going to start this one off with a video. YES! Take that you fucking garbage sucking avian piece of shit.

I think I was talking to some of you about Mitch Hedberg, who I just recently found out about, only to again find out that he's now dead. His stuff reminds me of Sheep's beloved Jack Handey. "NON-SEQUITUR!" I think I'm just going to be copying and pasting his stuff as post-ending-quotes for the next couple of weeks.

Here's one of his Comedy Central specials, cut up into three pieces.
One two three!

Also, here is the Kanye West clip on SNL, in case you haven't seen it and were wondering what the hell we were talking about. This is the prerequisite material, in case you've been on Mars for the last decade, with your eyes shut, and your fingers in your ears.

And Finesse Mitchell sucks. Three years, hasn't done anything for me. This SNL cast has got nothing going for it - either this is Will Forte's breakout year and the rookies can step up and contribute some productive minutes, or we're talking about another lottery bound season.

I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."

10/10/2005 12:56:00 PM | Comments (0)

Do you remember that crazy summer of 2004? I still do, despite the therapy.

Do you remember the video that inspired us?

Well this year's video has just come out. Fanime Con 2005 by Kwoon!

And some super bonus extra footage!

Same old excellent stuff, but with that extra little bit in the second video. I'll be honest though - I still like ours (Sheep's) better. Sure their whole process is much more refined and their videos free of grain, but ours has HEART. Seriously, no one's got nothin' on the dancing Links, the BAM Man, or even that little fastball special at the end. That's GOLD baby - OUR gold.

AND I ERADICATE AAAAALL EEEVIL...and...GOODNESS WILL RUUUULE!!!

10/09/2005 10:17:00 AM | Comments (0)

I've been sitting here for days trying to think up a post. I come and sit down, open up Blogger, and somehow...I always end up surfing for porn or playing Insaniquarium. I'm in a slump. I think I've been relying on the links too much and for too long. So when I don't have those working for me, I have no other way to make a post. So in times like these, I just tend to ramble for a bit and then post whatever I have written down. It still ain't easy though. In fact, if I had to choose between wrestling a lion or writing up a post for The WAMBAG, I would probably write a post about wrestling lions. I don't really know if that's a valid choice, but since I'm the one who put forth the hypothetical choice, I can say whatever the hell I want and it'll still be all good.

- Unwrapping a CD is the most difficult task a human being can face. If I had a choice between wrestling a lion or unwrapping a CD, I would unwrap the CD. But that doesn't mean it's not difficult.

- I got stuck behind a driver who left his left turn signal on for like twenty minutes yesterday. It was rush hour and despite all my considerable lane-weaving ability, I could still not get around him. He was driving in the right lane, flicked on his left turn signal in an apparent attempt to change lanes, apparently decided not to, and just plain forgot about it. It is the most annoying thing in the world. If I had a choice between wrestling a lion or following a driver who had forgotten to turn off his left turn signal for like twenty minutes, I would follow the driver who had forgotten to turn off his left turn signal.

- It is my scientific conclusion that time moves the most slowly during the last half hour of the two hour lecture you have right before a four day weekend (no classes Friday = hurray). I swear to you, I looked up at the clock, and the hands were going counter clockwise. I realize that I may have already used this bit for a baby shower I had to go to, but in all fairness that post was like a year ago. And I don't believe that anyone who followed this site a year ago is still alive today. In fact...if I had to choose between wrestling a lion or believing that there are people who have been reading this site for more than a year...I would probably choose to believe in the existence of these readers. But I mean, even I don't follow this site.

- I watched the Sox/Sox game today...and I watched as the Red Sox got swept at home. I saw a little red-headed girl with a Red Sox cap with tears coming down...she deserves a crown. But where is it now? Go wrestle a fucking lion, senorita. I hate the Sox.

- Some evil scientists brainwashed me into joining a fantasy league. A fantasy hockey league. ...I-I don't know what I'm doing. Instead of doing homework last night, I stayed up late trying to decide on which was the better winger and all-around lion wrestler - Gary Roberts (28 goals last season, but he's a 39 year-old power forward and I don't know how much time he'll get on the power play in Flordia), Alexander Ovechkin (Dwayne Wade to Sidney Crosby's Lebron, but he plays in Washington so I'm scared of his +/-), or Fredrik Modin (29 goals but only 28 assists)? ...why do I do this to myself? Basketball's coming up in a month too.

- This is the page I get when I'm Feeling Lucky searching for "lion wrestling". I don't really know where I'm going with this.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

10/07/2005 09:55:00 PM | Comments (0)

Frontin'

Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J

I hate confrontations. Of any kind. I've always been that way. I've just got an overwhelming fear mechanism. I'm like a lemur. I think. All I know is that anytime someone acts even mildly aggressive towards me I get all shaky and red.

So this customer was giving me a hard time today. I've seen this guy a bunch of times too. He's always complaining about something. In fact, the only reason he keeps coming to our wonderfully flawed store is because he knows that he can find something wrong and it will give him the opportunity to harass some lowly cashier. More on that later. Here's what happened today.

He was the last, last customer. He walked in about a minute before closing. At about 10:00 I call out to a co-worker, "Hey, is there anyone left?" She tells me that there's one guy and I yell, "Tell him to get up here!" When the guy eventually makes his way to my register, the first problem comes when I scan a loaf of bread. There's a dispute over the price. I tell him the machine says what it says. He tells me to check. I say, "Come with me, then."

We're walking to the bakery and I know, I just know that he's going to try and start something. He does. "You know, you shouldn't have yelled for me to come up here," he says.

"I know, sir, but the store closed 10 minutes ago and I wanted to make sure everyone was out," I say.

We get to the bakery and I was right about the price. I figure this whole thing is over. Wrong. "I had all this stuff in my hands. You shouldn't ask your customers to run," he says.

"Sometimes we prefer if they do," I said. That did not make him happy. He said I shouldn't have said that. I told him that everytime I've seen him in here he's complaining about something. He said I shouldn't talk to the customers that way.

"That's only an issue if we actually want that customer to come back," I said.

"Don't talk to me that way you fucking..."

"Sir, you obviously hate this place. Why do you keep coming back here?"

Silence. Now you've got to understand, I was scared as shit. Like I said, it's my natural reaction in these situations. At that moment, at that exact moment, I realized the only reason that I wasn't curling up into the fetal position is because this guy was a hell of a lot more scared than I was. He told me to void his order and then he said he was going to talk to my boss. I told him, "My name is Alex. Alex Lee. You can tell him exactly what happened here." He just walked off.

This guy was one of the first customers I had a problem with when I first started working at Food Basics and that time I just did whatever I had to do to make him happy. I wouldn't let him have his way today. I saw him complaining about something on Saturday too and that really pissed me off because he was getting mad at one of the new girls. I should have said something then. It's one thing for him to give me shit, but I can't stand him coming in here and disrespecting the place where I work (though I do that every day) and the people I work with.

I'm kind of bummed about the incident though. I feel sorry for the guy. I mean, clearly something else in this guy's life is just not working. I don't know if it's at home or where he works (he is constantly reminding us that he works at a Loblaw's) or if it's something minor like he's a big football fan and his team is off to a bad start. I don't know. All I know is that the whole situation made me feel helpless. Here's this guy who as far as I know is a great guy, a family man, a hard worker and all that, but when he comes in here he becomes this total asshole. And there's nothing anyone can do about that.

I'm tired and hungry.

I thought you guys said he was some kind of monster, Jesus, how the hell did you do that...?
Jesse, are you okay?

Mm? Oh. Could one've you drive me to the hospital, please? I think I just broke every bone in my hand.

10/04/2005 10:02:00 AM | Comments (0)

Action!

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers

This damn song has been in my head for the last week. Oh, man. It's not that it's not a good song, in fact the more I listen to it the more I realize how brilliant it is. I've even contemplated buying their CD. That's right, I think this song is so good that it's actually making their other songs sound better to me. That's amazing. The only problem, besides the stupid "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier" bit, is that I feel like gushing about the song, but I know if I talk to anyone about it they'll be like, "Dude, that CD came out, like, over a year ago." So that's that.

If you didn't catch the season premiere of SNL, you missed a hilarious Mike Myers cameo. He did a bit with Kanye West (!), obviously following up on the infamous telethon incident. I've got it on tape, so anyone who wants to watch it is welcome to come to my house sometime over the long weekend.

I've been sort of bummed out lately since my chances with Adriana seem to deteriorate every day. That, and I spent my whole Saturday playing NBA 2K6 with Max, which ended in the usual bout of self loathing. That, and it's been difficult to see my friends lately since school and work have been taking up my entire, freakin' life. I don't blame them for not being around, as our assignments seem to pile up quicker every year. The other thing is that I'm still recovering from my summer vacation (can you believe it?). I spent so much time with people whose company I actually enjoy. My university friends, while not bad people, are mostly part of my life out of convenience rather than choice. The point is it won't hurt me to find some new friends. I'm not necessarily ditching my other university friends, just keeping my options open.

My search began in my Shakespeare class. I've mentioned a couple of times how nice the girls in this class are, so it was definitely ripe with opportunity. After the first hour of lecture, I decided on this East Indian girl who was sitting on the other side of the room. I shot her a few glances, trying to get a feel for her. Did she seem high-maintenance? Bitchy? Does she have a boyfriend? It was not easy, let me tell you. I wasn't planning to make a move today, but the opportunity presented itself so I went for it. I was walking down this hall with MDHS alumnus Richard Burley and she happened to be walking behind us. Eventually she passed us and since I was somewhat lost, I asked her, "Which way are you going, miss, because I think we're following you." She said she was heading towards the elevators and we all walked there together. After we exited the building, Richard kept trying to talk to her about various Shakespeare plays and I, phillistine that I am, was trying not to be exposed as the English fraud that I am. Eventually, he left and I asked her where she was going. We both happened to be going to St. George station and I had time to kill so I walked with her.

She's an actress. When she first mentioned it, I almost rolled my eyes. You have no idea how many wannabes there are at UofT. Hart House puts on so many mediocre, low-budget productions and anybody who gets into one thinks they're suddenly an actor. However, she explained to me that she'd spent the last three years performing at Stratford. Her case sounded more believable. Then she told me how she was a waitress part-time (check!) and that she did six episodes for some FOX television show (check!). The only thing that didn't sound believable was that she didn't run away from home or anything. In fact, her parents were super supportive. Other than that little blemish, this chick is a real actress! I can actually go around and tell people that I know a real actress, which is cool. I avoided talking about my life, of course, because there isn't much to tell. And believe it or not, I didn't mention that I was in a "band", which I love to drop in when I meet a new girl. I think I was intimidated facing someone with, you know, ACTUAL talent.

She smokes. Her name is Nasneen (got to check that spelling). She said she didn't have much time for a social life, juggling her job, auditions and school, so she was more than happy to tell me all about herself. I always like hearing that other people are out there living their lives even as I toil in the academic coal mine that is UofT. It was also great to meet someone new. This is the first time that I went out of my way to meet someone in a class since...since...crap, I can't even remember. I sort of fell into the whole Leanna thing, so that doesn't count. This...this was all me. Well, with some help from Richard. I don't know if this is the start of a new trend for me or if this is the last new friend I'm going to make for a while. For now, consider me satisfied.

Hello, Rorschach. How are you today?
In prison. Yourself?
Uh...fine. I'm fine. I thought we'd try some more blot tests. How about taking a look at this one for me?
Seen this one before.
Yes. I know. I...uh...I thought you might have been holding back before and I wanted to try it again. Go on. Tell me what you really see.
Dog. Dog with head split in half.
I...I see. And, uh, what do you think split the, uh, split the dog's head. In half.
I did.

10/04/2005 03:45:00 AM | Comments (0)

This is a trailer for The Shining.

Watch it. Right now.

10/01/2005 01:47:00 AM | Comments (0)