I'm so sorry. I apologize for letting it get to the point where all you had were Big AL's long and irrelevant posts about his joyless and ultimately meaningless life. I consider it a personal failure whenever he manages to post two of those suckers in a row. But don't worry, I'm back now, fresh with long and irrelevant posts about my joyless and ultimately meaningless life.

Yes friends, it's time to join me for yet another installment of Choking Yak's Provoking Facts.

- I've decided that I'm going stick with that title. Everytime I type it out, it looks worse and worse. Which is really what I aim for here. I mean, it's what this site is all about. High quantities of low quality content.

- I don't like putting all my grocery items out on the conveyor belt thing, all exposed like that. It lets the people around me and the cashier look and judge me, deciding what kind of person I am based on the goods I buy. Yes, I bought no name Spritz-Up instead of Sprite or 7UP. Because I'm cheap. And when you mix it with cranberry juice (like what I'm doing) you really can't taste the difference. And what's so weird about my purchasing of vasoline, Archie comics, and a pack of razor blades? I'm lonely on Friday nights.

- The lovely mix of cranberry juice + Sprite/7UP/Spritz-Up combination possibly remains the only useful thing I learned during all of Grade 8. And considering the jackass I was in Grade 8...it's not only possible, but entirely likely. I don't know where I learned it, I don't know how I learned it, but all I know is that before Grade 8 I never knew you could mix cranberry juice with Spritz-Up, and afterwards I did. I love it so much that the last time I was on a plane, I ordered a can of cranberry juice and I convinced my brother to order a can of Sprite so we could mix it. He ordered the Sprite, but he wanted no part of my queer juice mixing ways. Which sucked, because just plain cranberry juice just tastes goddamn terrible.

- I think I fell off the wagon again. It started Thursday, when I had some errands to run on the east side (...also known as "Markham"). After I finished, I went on my regular weekly comic book pick-up and I ended up buying like triple the amount of books I had originally intended to. I couldn't help it - there were just so many books I forgot were coming out this week. I also finally found that Colossus action figure I had wanted for months. And so in a moment of weakness, I ended up buying that too. Then with some time to kill, I ended up wandering around Markville Mall by my lonesome - my handsome, eligible lonesome - and somehow the DVD's for the first season on Arrested Development ended up in my hands. And I ended up buying that too. Can you blame me? I was on a roll! I couldn't stop - it was getting out of control. I even had an overpriced New York Fries poutine afterwards. One I didn't really enjoy because it reminded me of Grade 11, and the fact that I had crappy cafeteria poutine almost every frickin' day for no reason I can remember. The highschool nostalgia left a sour taste in my mouth. That, or the potatoes were rotten. But I was out of control. I don't remember what happened for the next several hours, but I eventually woke up in front of my computer, where I had logged onto my eBay account. Oh God, it's got me again.

- I heard Hey Julie by Fountains of Wayne on the radio the other day. And now I can't get it out of my head. I wish I actually knew a Julie, so that this song would make sense. I'm still working on meeting a Beverly, by the way. So I can call her just to say "BEVERLY!" and then quickly hang up. ... This is my life.

- My internet died yesterday. Apparently the company that provides the service had changed all the login account names, and didn't feel like telling me. Actually they did - they had sent me an email AFTER the change. What the hell is that? I need the internet to get to my email you bastards! What's the thinking behind that one? I was so deprived that I spent all my free time today at school in the library, catching up on my Malaysian bear porn surfing. I didn't even take a lunch. (HA! Take THAT Jess! I'm ripping you off!)

- Hahahaha. I like the purse. It just works on so many levels. ...okay, fine - just one level. The "A-ROD = GAY" level. Ah...I hate the Yankees. But I still hate the Sox too. And apparently so does Bush.

- It says above that the time of this post is 4:53 PM. When in actuality it's closer to midnight. Yes, I've spent seven hours working on this post. I hope it shows.

- I'm still haven't gone through all of them yet, but these comics are delicious. Fantastic random arbitrary stuff here, sometimes border-line creepy. As I said, I haven't gone through all of them yet, but so far this one is my top pick. The pacing is just so excellent.

10/29/2004 04:53:00 PM | Comments (0)

Stringing Time Together

(soundtrack)
Maybe Katie - Barenaked Ladies

WARNING: Looooooong Post Ahead, Ye Maties! (WHAT?!?) I hope everyone's used to the fact that I post with less regularity, but with more content. I know that requires a higher attention span, but hey, that's what the warning is for. Continuing on...

It was a good day, man. Let me tell you, it was a good day. I've been a little stressed this week, but not because of work. I've been juggling a moral dilemma.

Last weekend, Adriana was telling me how she wanted to take this Saturday off, but I knew that we were both scheduled to work that day so I was like, "Naw baby, naw. Don't take that day off. We can spend the whole day together. You, me, a gallon of brandy. Hang out in robes and see what develops." (or something to that effect) I figured that I'd be tapping that ass in the breakroom by Saturday afternoon. I was pumped.

Then I remembered about my annual basketball fantasy draft. Ah! How could I forget that it was scheduled on the same day! Now, I was torn between my responsibilities to my boys and my desire to get some sweet dry humping action in the back of a supermarket. Torn!!!

There were so many variables. For one thing, as I mentioned before, she was also trying to get off Saturday. So what if I went and she wasn't even there? I'd feel like a fool. But if she didn't go, then it would be okay for me not to go. But if I don't go and she does go, then I'll look like the biggest ass because I said she should go. But then again, maybe she wouldn't care. Or would she?

I decided that the right thing to do was to try and get off work. As much as I like this girl, I couldn't turn my back on my boys. Loyalty and all that. So I figured that I'd go to work today and find someone to take my shift. To be continued.

Today was almost like any other day, except for one thing: I didn't fall asleep in class. It was the strangest sensation. To actually maintain consciousness during an entire lecture. By the end, I was like, "Is this...weight...this ceaseless particle movement...is this all?" I should have known that it was a sign that this day would be different than the others.

I inevitably ran into Julius...oh, let me go on an aside for a second. I think I've come up with the perfect way to describe this guy. He's the male version of Shirley Manh. Hear me out. He knows everybody. Everybody seems to get along with him because he's so outgoing AND approachable (a lethal combination). And even though you're his friend, you're not quite sure where you stand with him (if you somehow end up reading this Shirley, sorry). He's a great guy and he has many uses, but he seems like a guy who it's difficult to trust. Like, I wouldn't say that him and I are close friends. I just wouldn't. Then again, I'm an emotionally hollow shell masquerading as a man.

We went to lunch with the usual gang and discussed the issues of the day. Blah blah blah. No, I'm kidding. I seem to be getting along better with this group in general, which is a good sign. We're cracking wise and scoping chicks and all that. Textbook frat boy behaviour. Even that guy Chris, the mandatory jackass back when we went to that cruise party, is starting to grow on me. I'm losing my edge.

Eventually I broke off and went to have lunch with Julius and his girlfriend, Jainy. Did I mention her already? Quick summary: She's a lot like Annia. Spoooooky. Oh yeah, we also constantly, maybe excessively, make jokes about having sex behind Julius' back. Good times. GOOD times. I got to say, I hope he dates her for a long time because she's one of those "touchy" kind of girls. The kind that are like, constantly hugging you and grabbing you and shit. It's nice. We were chilling out in her room when our friend Alexia (this could get confusing) came along. She's nice and she seems to dig me, so bonus points. She's a big laugher too. It helped that I was on freaking fire today. I dropped this anecdote on 'em when Alexia mentioned she felt she had mono (the kissing disease):

"Yeah, I knew these two brothers who got mono from each other once. (stunned silence) Come on, guys. It's because they rinsed with the same cup when they were brushing their teeth at night. And the fact that they were making out all the time. But I think it was the cup thing."

ON...FIRE...

Eventually Julius had to get off the train, leaving me with Jainy and Alexia. So as soon as that bastard leaves, his girlfriend puts her arm around me and I'm just like, "Oh hells yeah!" Then I turn to Alexia and say, "You're next, baby!" (or something to that effect) Then Alexia grabs my other arm. So here I am, Alex Lee, on the subway with two cute girls wrapped around me. It was a surreal site to say the least. I gave the rest of the dudes on the subway a cocky look, like, "I've got more girls wit' me right now then you faggots'll have in your entire life!" I could hear their penises shrivelling. Glorious.

Let me just say that this was all in good fun, okay? For some reason, the four of us were talking about having sex with each other all day so I think we're comfortable with some frendly hugging. Julius and Jainy seem stable, so there's no harm in her getting a little affectionate with his good pal, Alex, right? Right. As for Alexia, she was bummed out after finding out some dude she liked had a girlfriend, so I was just consoling her. I'm an amazing guy.

And now, the continuation of the Adriana dilemma. (Dun Dun DUN!!!)

I go to work and ask one of the girls if she can take my shift. She says she has to go to church. On a Saturday? What-everrrrr. But there's this older cashier who overhears and she's like, "Would you like me to take your shift on Saturday?"

YES!!!

I know what you're thinking, "But Alex, doesn't this mean you won't get to mack on Adriana this week?" Here's the plot twist my friends: Not an hour before I arrived at work I received a call from my manager. She was like, "Alex, can you come in Friday at 4:30?" I hesitated, then remembered that Adriana is working 5:30 to 11:00 on Friday! Ha ha ha ha ha! Don't you see? It all fell into place!

I'm hanging out with her all day Friday AND going to my fantasy draft on Saturday!

I love you all.

You just...you can't understand what it was like...endless hours, days, with the waves crashing up and the wind blowing the sand away, and knowing what you're doing is insane but not being able to stop...! It destroyed me, can't you see that? It claws at my mind, I can't even feel happy for one single second without the memory ripping its way in there! I'm a ruin, I'm--not even half a man--
Hoover. Listen to me. If it truly hurts that much--just forget it.

10/28/2004 11:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

Adriana

(soundtrack)
Even An Ugly Man - Hawksley Workman

So there's this girl at work.

Let me just start by saying that I had no intention of ever trying to hook up with anyone at work. I'm a professional. Sure, as a cashier I'm surrounded by a bevy of lovely women for hours at a time, but damn it, I'm there to work! Women may be throwing themselves at me constantly, but I kick their cute little tushes to the metaphorical curb everytime.

But when fate throws a charming, wide-eyed, young brunette thing at you...well, you realize that you're only human.

Her name is Adriana (hence, title) and let me start off by admitting that yes, she's a bit younger than me. She's 16. But hey, I'm only 19! --- (Dr. Evil voice) "I'm hip, I'm with it. Duck-a, duck-a, duck-a..." (awkwardly does the Macarena) --- And yeah, I know I'll be 20 soon, but she'll be 17 in January. You do the math. Look, worst comes to worst, I'm a pederast and you know what? I can accept that.

We met about a month ago when she first arrived. I was a fairly new cashier myself, but I figured I'd been around long enough to give her some pointers. I laughed at her paranoia at getting a counterfeit, which caused her to scrutinize every bill. I taught her how to do price checks. I got in trouble for flirting with her during my break. It's been a real whirlwind romance.

What really did it for me was a shift we had a couple of weeks ago. My boss set up this tent next to the store to take advantage of the good weather...which only lasted a couple of weeks since he started it in the middle of September. She was stuck out in the tent one cold day, so decided that I would use my precious break time to go out and visit her. She reciprocated by coming in and hanging out with me during her break. Then we did the same thing with our second breaks. It was an awesome day and I think we hit it off. We did the whole "getting to know you" thing.

She lives nearby. She's younger. She's a band geek. I've got to have SOME chance here, right?

And now where it all goes downhill. The other day we were paired up on adjoining cash registers, which was awesome because we could hang out and talk all we wanted. Good times. I eventually build up the courage to ask her if she wants to hang out sometime since we both live in the area. She says that's cool. Good times. Then I decide to give her my number just as she's leaving. Bad...actually, not necessarily. I didn't really get a gauge on what she thought of that because she had to go, but now I'm thinking that it was a little forward. Then again, maybe it's because I've never really done that before. We'll have to wait and see, I guess.

And now, the "Michelle Ngo 'Give Alex Lee The Will To Live For One More Day' Dialogue Exchange" of the week.

Alex: So what are you doing this weekend?
Michelle: Oh, I thought we could all go out to dinner this weekend.
A: Aw, I can't. I got to go to Korean BBQ. (Note: Remember that, boys?)
M: Forget it.
A: You guys should go without me. I bet you haven't seen some of those losers in a while.
M: I guess.
A: Just go.
M: Can I say something really corny?
A: (shifts nervously) Eeeeeeh...uh oh. Sure.
M: The only reason I wanted to go out to dinner this week was because I thought I wasn't going to see you this week.

Thanks, babe. One more day then.



Never date writers, honey. Writers suck.

10/25/2004 08:16:00 PM | Comments (0)

Here's this movie. And here's like...another one. And everything. They're alright.

I had some really clever to say...but I don't really recall it right now. Huh.

I'll owe you one.

Oh and...uh...Cards over Sox in seven. Because I hate the Sox.

10/23/2004 01:01:00 PM | Comments (0)

I missed the big, dramatic revelation of Max's new auricle accessory during Thanksgiving. I totally blame my family for depriving me of such an experience; there truly is no other way to describe it. Thanks, family. Thanks.

Anyways, I learned about it afterwards from Emu, who described it to me with relish. Even though I still haven't seen it, I have a pretty good mental image. Tell me if I'm off or not.

Yea, that's all I've got saved up from a month hiatus. Maybe I'll get that Anime video up one day, although Yak's excellent report has made that a moot point. Perhaps I'll even tell you about Sheep's zany misadventures with CAMPUS POLITICS. But that's another story for another time.

10/22/2004 02:18:00 AM | Comments (0)

I am tripping BALLS.

...no wait, that's the fever.

...no wait, IT'S THE DRAGON.

10/19/2004 08:47:00 PM | Comments (0)

So I'm sick. And regardless of whatever specific illness I'm afflicted with, one of my symptoms is always incessant whining. About the fact that I'm sick, what I'm sick with, and how that makes me feel. So...let's get to it!

Oh, and remember - there is a real possibility that I will not have any recollection of this post after the fever breaks. I'm not even conscious right now.

- I woke up today smelling something...metallic in the air. Which is bizarre, because with my fricked up sinuses and my sad sense of smell regardless of condition, I shouldn't be able to smell anything at all. So I think it means my brain is melting. You see...I've had a high fever for like a week now. AN' I'M SEEIN' SHIT MAN. Weird shit. You know how scary Bob Barker looks when you're tripping at a hundred and two degrees? It's like I can see through his skin.

- I also have this...ACHE in my head. I don't know what it is, but everytime I stand up or cough (ie. every single moment of my life) there is this ACHING ACHE in my head. It just...ACHES. I don't know what it is. I think I have like...a "headpain" or something.

- I did a little Googlin', trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I found this brilliant little symptom flowchart site that lets you check up all sorts of medical things. But I got kinda bored with it and I just kinda skimmed it through. I think I have...heat stroke? In October? Well, can't argue with the doctor.

- At this point, there is a real possibility that there is more phlegm in my body than blood. Just thought I'd let you know.

- Jess and Max: If you wake up next week with AIDS, then it's probably my fault. Possibility from your foolish decisions to hang within 10 feet of me this week, or possibility from the AIDS coated pieces of broken glass I constantly slip into your food. Let me know how it turns out.

- I can't even laugh. Everytime I try to, this pathetic little wheeze comes out instead which is immediately followed by a coughing fit. How can I live without laughter? I can't even enjoy afternoon syndications of Full House on channel nice anymore. (...do you believe that those people are still getting syndication money for that show? Wowzers.)

- Cough medicine tastes terrible. It's like drinking cat semen out of old rubbing alcohol bottles.

...aaand that sounds like a classy note to end off on.

10/16/2004 07:20:00 PM | Comments (0)

I Don't Care

(soundtrack)
Needle In The Hay - Elliott Smith

At some point in the day, in between trying to stay awake in class and coming to the stark realization that we live in a world where Superman can die, I came up with a great idea for a post. A real gimmick. Since all my posts were starting to look the same, I was going to rip off Mad-Libs and create an interactive post. You know, I would put stuff like, "So I was walking down (street name) and thinking about how much I hated myself and wanted to (act of violence) the next Chinese guy I saw." and "I came home and immediately began to search the internet for pictures of (actor/actress...actor)." I was going to call it Al-Libs. It was going to be a fun exercise for all, an ironic nod to "the slow motion train wreck that I like to call my life" and it would save my lazy ass a lot of time on future posts. There was only one problem:

I don't care.

I really don't. I just don't. I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning. The best part of the day...of my year in fact, is that I managed to work out a system where I get almost an hour of continous sleep on my way to school. It's unprecedented public transit napping. I should get an award. I'm as desperate for a relationship with a girl as I've ever been and more paralyzed than ever when I see a girl who I might be interested in. I go through two hour lectures without taking a single note and just staring ahead blankly. I'm back to starting work anywhere from 11 to 1 at night, not even remembering when I actually get to sleep and waking up and repeating this whole process over and over again. You know what's really sad?

I don't care.

This is the part where I say that I'm happy that I'm working and in school and that I have a lot of good friends and I know I'll get over this...but I'm not going to right now. I don't want to. I want to be miserable for a few days or weeks or months. I'm comfortable with it. I've been decidedly unhappy for the better part of my almost 20 years on this Earth and frankly, I'm good at it. I'm at my best at my worst, so to speak. And of course, I just...I just...

I don't care.

Before I end this uplifting message, I want to leave a quote. It's something I think I've been saying for years, but I want to put it down on paper. I want to trademark it. Really make it official. Here goes:

"A good day for me is when I manage to find that perfect balance of self pity and self loathing." - Alex "Big Al" Lee

That's always a fun one to break out at parties.

Humperdido! Today shalt though be with me in paradise.
Great.
-----
I...I can't think of anything to say...
I can. We're fucked.

10/14/2004 08:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

The Perveted Verses

(soundtrack)
Baby Got Back - Sir-Mix-A-Lot

Yeah, I'm supposed to be studying for my Books And Readers test tomorrow. And yeah, that got me thinking about that hot chick I'm obsessed with in that class. And yeah, that obviously got me looking for pictures of hot chicks on the internet (Eva Longoria to be specific). Long story short, I stumbled upon the web site of this game designer, Dave Zdyrko. If that name sounds familiar to anyone, it's because he's a fairly well known video game site editor and designer. In fact, he was one of the head game designers of Max and I's beloved ESPN NFL 2K5. So we're not exactly talking about some dude's loser blog (see: The WAMBAG). Like I said, I was looking for pictures and I found this site through his "Babe Of The Week" feature.

All I have to say is this: The guy talks about masturbating a lot. Just check his profile and scroll down to his "masturbation record". Undeniably impressive. Not only that, but he openly talks about all the dirty shit that he wants to do, it's hilarious. Here are some of his more amusing entries:

Oh, a couple of warnings. Some nudity. And lots of vulgarity (so perfect for this lot, I think).

Jessica Simpson - I thought I'd start off with a classy one...
Rachel Bilson - ...and then go to this one.
Avril Lavigne - Scary.
Alyssa Milano - A touch of nostalgia.
Beyoncé - Ha ha, this one is just so wrong.
Adriana Lima - A surprising show of restraint.
Alicia Keys - Thanks for sharing, buddy.

I'll stop before I post the entire damn site. I just find it odd that someone would post such explicit material on a site that people might actually read. He even says that he's met some of these women! It's not like our site that we know no one reads, allowing us to post our anti-gay/anti-semite/anti-dark skins agenda freely. Okay, it's not that funny, but if you're up at 2 in the morning and avoiding studying for a test or you're just looking for material to add to the Spank Bank (Mr. Wong, I'm looking in your direction), you could do a lot worse.

10/12/2004 02:18:00 AM | Comments (0)

Christopher Reeve dies at age 52. And I'm thinkin' why is Superman dead? Is it in my head? Man...Reeves, Dangerfield, Cerutti...it's been a rough month.

And as if it wasn't enough...another Harry Potter character will die. A crying shame that is.

...though on the other hand...Colossus is alive again. So...I'm conflicted.

10/11/2004 02:51:00 AM | Comments (0)

Neat little video - "Join us...we teach you...marvellous moves." Eh...it's okay. But I was just thinking...it's almost like...her new fighting technique is unstoppable. I don't know, just a thought.

Also, some new nominees for the Real World Justice League - two dirty muties. ...pun intended?

I slay me.

10/09/2004 02:45:00 PM | Comments (0)

What Happened Today - by Choking Yak

Oh God...just kill me now.

7:30 - Out the door bright and early for another day of wonderful school! I'm so tired that I fall asleep on the subway and I miss Bloor. I've never missed that stop before, regardless if I'm sleeping or not. The russel of people getting on and off the train always wakes me. It's going to be one of those days.

10:00 - Theory of Computation class, with the first assignment due soon, the professor starts talking about plagiarism. I didn't stand a chance. I wake up in time to catch the tail end of his rant, about where to hand in the assignments. Information that was posted on the website two weeks ago. Why did I wake up at 7:30 today?

11:00 - Wetmore Hall, wondering why I'm sitting there alone. I cry for a little bit.

12:00 - Computer Organization class. I'm surprised why the lecture only went for twenty minutes. Oh wait, that's because I blacked out during the middle half an hour.

2:00 - I swear to myself that I will make it up here, in Linear Algebra class.

2:15 - Professor still hasn't come. People are starting to get restless. I study my double from afar. He has this amazingly hot friend. But his eyes show that he's dead inside - he has absolutely no chance with this girl. They look like Max's eyes. (HAHAHAHAHA)

2:25 - Professor's still not here.

2:30 - Fuck this.

2:31 - As I leave the classroom, I see the professor come into the building through the other door out of the corner of my eye. I break into a run.

3:30 - While on the bus, I chuckle to myself and feel smart about how I so cleverly avoided another math lecture. Then I realize I paid thousands and thousands of my hard earned money to attend this hellhole and to have that lecture. I don't feel so smart anymore.

4:15 - Finally make it home. I stare blankly at this computer assignment for two hours, but all I can think about is how not to plagiarize. Dammit, it's in my subconscious now.

7:30 - Went to this new (?) restaurant called 419 Music Bar & Steakhouse at Commerce Gate - upstairs of Bubble Star. It's an all-you-can-eat steakhouse. Meaning essentially...infinite steaks. I almost kill myself with three steaks and like five glasses of free Coke. I think back to my family vacation in Las Vegas a number of years back and how I managed to fit five prime rib steaks and the numerous mandatory scoops of buffet ice cream into my skinny Chinese frame at the MGM buffet, and still be able to go out and kick some white ass at Marvel Superheroes downstairs at the arcade later that night.

I'm getting too old for this. No pre-vomit conditions (where you can actually feel your mouth making more and more saliva) but I think I might have came close. It's the Cokes. That's what did me in. ...and the meat. So much meat. Is this how pregnant women feel like? With pounds of flesh just sitting in their abdomen? I feel like I'm pregnant WITH STEAKS IN MA BELLAY. After this, Korean barbeque is like an afternoon delight. (...I'm not really sure where I'm going with that.)

9:30 - I lie on my bed, groaning. Up in the air above my bed dance slabs of cooked meat, mooing at me and questioning my sexual preference. Damn them. How'd they know?

10/06/2004 09:44:00 PM | Comments (0)

It's back. And more insane than ever. I speak of the ruiner of worlds, the bringer of the end, the rock our waves will break against.

I speak of course...of Tontie.

The one before was just a beta. I've been too busy to even contemplate about touching this one yet, but I understand that it's even more insane than the first. I hear hushed whispers of bombs that downgrade your hammer, invunerable golems, and a boss that can only be Lucifer himself waiting for your soul on level 20. Beware.

10/06/2004 01:21:00 AM | Comments (0)

Here's some little packets of thought that I found in my head during the course of this crazy week. (Title still pending...though I may just finally give up and use "Choking Yak's Provoking Facts" because it sounds so deliciously gay.) This might possibly be my longest post yet. And I didn't check for typos or anything (and also I am only half conscious right now), so go ahead and look for them - there's lots to find. So let's get it on!

- So I may have told some of you that there's this dude in one of my computer courses that looks exactly like me, instead he's cooler in every way I can see. He's got a cooler hat, cooler glasses, he walks cooler...he's just cooler. But I'll sort that situation out in due time. Like I'll kill him or something - not that I'll become more cool like him. Way too much work.

- But anyway, there's this OTHER guy now in one of my math courses that looks a lot like me too. Which...I guess isn't saying much, since UofT is completely made up of skinny Chinese nerds with glasses. But I swear, this one had relatively more of a Yakness to him than all the other chinks. And he doesn't seem to be as cool. Also, the other day in class, I saw him wearing a Jays jersey - though not a Blue Jays jersey. Meaning it had the new logo, and it was black. So today, I wore my old school, white Blue Jays jersey. And when I walked into the lecture hall and saw him, I pointed up at him, spit on the ground, and I screamed "I WILL HAVE YOUR WOMEN AND CHILDREN AND I WILL FEAST ON YOUR SNACKS!!! I WAIVE MY RIGHT OF CLONE PEACE!!!" And then we circled around each other sniffing and growling trying to assert dominance over the other.

- So okay...that didn't actually happen. But man...he even had the same type of water bottle I did. So when we were dismissed and everyone filed out of the room, I did what any normal, sane person would do. I stalked his ass. I followed him from the Mining Building all the way up to Ramsey Wright - like ten minutes worth of walking. He had another class right after - maybe even another math class, that crafty bastard. So I followed him in - he might have started to catch on, since I followed pretty closely, and he ended up holding like five sets of doors open for me - and I sat around in the back for like five minutes, and then I left. ...I have absolutely ZERO idea why I did that. I think I'm mentally ill.

- The professor for our math class is kinda weird too. He's got this sort of old person, foreign charm to him. He speaks better English than all of my other previous math teachers (Russian and Swedish accents are difficult as hell to understand when they're talking about parabolas, thetas, sigma, delta, and all that) but every so often, there'll be these really strange lines he throws out. Like today, he put up some questions on the board, and then commanded "Quickly, show me how genius you are!" Or he'll stop the class sometimes and proclaim how we don't look lively enough, and say like "You're all so FLAAAAAAT. So flat!" Between him, my double, this other girl, and all these other idiot guys, this class is amazingly entertaining.

- This girl, by the way has the shortest...uh..."laugh pause"...or whatever that I have ever seen. Whenever you laugh (ie. "HA HA HA HA HA") there's a clearly defined pause between each "HA". Some people's are longer or shorter, but there's always a distinct, definible break between the HA's, the HEH's, or the HEE's. But this girl doesn't really have one - it's just a continuous stream of "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA". Actually, not even. It's like just a scream of "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" but with barely audible little breaks of interference or "laugh static", that allow you to identify it as a laugh and not a scream. She laughs very loudly, she laughs at anything, and the fact university professors can tell the lamest possible jokes ever created and still get laughs...and well...there's just a lot of laughing going on.

- Please, please...let me out of my class first before you barge in. I know it's your class next, I know you're so goddamn anxious to learn about organic chemistry that you can't even wait that little bit...but please...just let me out first, eh? That's how it works for the subway, that's how it works for elevators, that's how it works for the bus, and that's how it SHOULD work for lectures. I swear to the next person that shoulder bumps me while I'm leaving class - I will gauge out your eyes with my thumbs. I'll do it. I don't want to feel those juicy spheres of sweet vision pop against my vicious thumbs...but you've left me no other choice.

- Turns out I'm pretty good at poker. Maybe it's just beginner's luck, but I had IT, you know? That feeling you get where you just jack up no-look fadeaways from twenty feet out and you just know they'll go in? I had THAT. I was chasing impossible straights and flushes and hitting them, I was getting full houses (which despite what ESPN poker tournaments teach us, is actually pretty damn hard to do), I was going practically all in with a pocket pair two's...just thank God we don't play with real money, or else I might get addicted. Not that I have a strong history of that. (Magic, OverPower, comics, MvC2, fantasy sports, and all the other hundreds of stupid ass things I've gotten hooked on over the last dozen years notwithstanding.) The rational side of my brain was drawing upon all the impossible odds regarding gambling that I learned in OAC Finite and STA247, and it was screaming "YOU'LL NEVER HIT THAT FLUSH YOU CRAZY BASTARD!!!" at me but I didn't listen. There were girls there that I had to impress, by destroying them and stealing their money. I felt like I was in one of those God of Gamblers movies. Where they use their psychokinetic powers to change their cards by rubbing them. Next time I'm going to bring a big piece of chocolate, and then I'll be set.

- Please tell me that at least one of you dirty chinks that read this site have seen at least one of the God of Gamblers movies. With Chow Yuen Fat, Andy Lau, or even that Stephen Chow guy from Shaolin Soccer. Speaking of which...Shephen Chow's God of Gamblers installment (God of Gamblers III: Back to Shanghai) is my favourite Chinese movie of all time. This beats out stuff like Druken Master II, Fist of Legend, or that one Once Upon a Time in China where they fight while lion dancing over twenty foot tall wooden poles and stuff (or did they have that in every single one?).

- Also, speaking of Chinese movies, I watched The Huadu Chronicles: Blade of the Rose over the weekend - the first film of Jackie Chan's son, Jaycee Chan. And it was goddamn TERRIBLE. Just...SO FUCKING BAD. And not Van-Helsing-bad-but-oh-so-good type bad. Just plain bad. Jackie Chan himself was in it, but considering his more recent stuff (Shanghai Knights, The Tuxedo, The Medallion - all movies I've watched and regretted watching) it was probably a bad idea. And then yesterday I saw Rush Hour 2 on television...and I openly wept at how good it was compared to The Medallion. Oh man...it was so damn bad. The Medallion was a bad choice.

- I was at McDonald's over the weekend with some church friends, and I had told them to hold the pickles for my order. Because I am gay. And the girl at the counter gives me this look - which I assumed was digust - and she goes like "...okay, whatever." Which I thought was a little strange, but I'm not going to say anything, because afterall, I'm the one that doesn't want pickles on my burger. So everyone gets their food, we're sitting down, people are getting napkins and straws and whatnot, and I get to the food first. I pull out a quarter pounder, and I see that there is no special sticker or whatever they attach whenever someone requests not to have pickles or onions or whatever. So I'm like "COME ON!" and I start complaining to the people around me, telling them about that look she gave me, cracking jokes about how they did it because I'm Chinese...you know - standard stuff. Meanwhile, I open the quarter pounder and I'm removing the pickles with my bare fingers, because...once again...I am gay. So suddenly, Mike comes back with the straws, and he just stands there for a whole minute watching me do all of this, gets over his confusion, and finally asks "Why are you...touching...my burger?" (There was a definite Tom Carter feel to the words - it was like he was horrified.) And I freeze there, holding a pickle up with my ketchup and mustard covered fingers, and absolute horror crosses my face.

Because...silly me...I didn't order a quarter pounder.

Turns out that I told the girl at the counter I wanted a McChicken. Which doesn't even have any pickles, which would explain the look she gave me - she thought I was retarded. And I am. But I could swear to you, I really did want a quarter pounder. I didn't want a McChicken - the fact that I said "McChicken" actually scares me a bit. It means I'm FUCKING INSANE.

- MAN, I cannot get over how much The Medallion sucked. Why did I bring it up again? What shocks me is how much of it I actually remembered. I think it's the same as watching a car crash or catching your parents naked - stuff like that just burns into your brain. I would gladly trade my Medallion experience with anyone who's watched their parents having sex. (And since it would me YOUR parents and not mine, there's an outside possibility that I may actually enjoy it. And by "outside" I of course mean "definite.") Ugh. Why did I watch it? It has even less Van Helsing quotient than that Rose Blade Chronicles whatever movie. It's so damn bad! Jackie Chan made a bad choice. (...wait, did I use that already? Ah, fuck.)

10/04/2004 03:21:00 PM | Comments (0)

Just a quick link - Operation Arnold. I just don't know what to say.

No, wait. Yes I do.

"Fuck YOU asshole."

10/02/2004 10:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

Oops, forgot to update. ...ah well.

Been thinkin' about spiders lately. All sorts of spiders. Happy spiders, high spiders, spiders you get high off of, fake spiders, and of course, everybody's favourite...space spiders that shoot hearts at giant floating penises.

10/02/2004 01:13:00 AM | Comments (0)