Our Shared Hatred Of Kim Mitchell

Ben - Michael Jackson

When I got to work last Tuesday there was quite a commotion.

Holy shit, was that him?
It was, man, it was!
Yo, that was Dougie!

The "Dougie" in question was none other than one Mr. Douglas Robert Gilmour. I could care less about hockey, but when I was in grade school, Doug Gilmour was as famous as professional athletes get in Canada so even I was a little curious. It was actually Sean Pearl that took care of Doug's clubs and we all laughed when he told us that he didn't even realize who it was at the time. He later told us that he rushed over to help and as he was walking away he was thinking, Wait a minute, was that Doug Gilmour?

Later in the evening, Ivana called me to the front of the shop just so I could meet him. I managed a Nice to meet you, Mr. Gilmour to which he politely responded with a smile and a Nice to meet you too. I suck.

If I'd known he was coming, I surely would have researched his Wikipedia entry and brought up the sexual harrasment allegations in '88 that got him traded from the St. Louis Blues to the Calgary Flames where he would win his only Stanley Cup in '89. He made time with a babysitter and was rewarded with a championship ring. Now I know why everyone looks up to this guy.

Honestly, I really wish it would have been someone else working instead of me because the whole experience was kind of lost on me. Tyler was working with me and he seemed genuinely enthused. He also got the $20 tip (much respect to Mr. Gilmour), so that may have had something to do with it. But yeah, you can't expect me to get up for a hockey player, even one of the most famous Leafs of the 90s. That got me wondering what Canadian celebrities would have me creaming my jeans.

The first one that came to mind for me was Shania Twain, though I suppose that's obvious and somewhat out of the realm of possibility. A man can dream, can't he?

Then I considered how I'd react to an athlete currently playing for the Blue Jays or Raptors, but I realized that for the mostpart that would just make me mad. Can you imagine if Alex Rios showed up at the club? I'm definitely going to prison if he shows his face around these parts. That said, I would funkin' go nuts if Steve Nash showed up. Not only because of his level of celebrity, but he seems like a cool dude. I'd definitely do better than "Nice to meet you Mr. Gilmour." Ugh.

My real reason for posting is because I wanted to say how nice it is to be getting along with everyone in the backshop. I'm not saying I'd want to hang out with any of these people outside of work, but somehow I've managed to find common ground with everyone and it's all good.

For example, with Cormack, we actually clash on a lot of stuff. He's an old school rock head and that's never been my strongest subject. He was also taken aback when in reference to Michael Jackson's death I said It's better this way and by my love for Lady GaGa. The latter is a tough sell for a lot of people I understand. We managed to bond when he brought up this DJ on Q107 who we both hate named Kim Mitchell. He's an out-of-touch bum who apparently had a couple of hits back in the day (Cormack tried to sing them for me, but they didn't register at all) and is always name dropping and going on about some wild and crazy (read: boring) time he had when he was on tour opening for Aerosmith or whomever. We don't agree on much, but when it came to Kim Mitchell being a tool, we found compromise.

Then there's Matthew Ferkranus aka Matt Fuckyouranus. I didn't make that up. There has been a weird tension between Matt and I from day one, which is weird because he's the first backshop employee I met. Pearl would later tell me that Matt can be insecure, but I thought he was just acting like a prick around me for no reason. We finally broke new ground yesterday. Pearl was changing into some rain pants and was doing the whole I'm getting naked everyone, don't sneak a peek routine. I made some gay remark and Matt said he didn't know Chinese people to use homosexual innuendo for humour (inconceivable!). I said You haven't had your first Asian?, which was pretty funny at the time and I managed to get a genuine smile out of him. Later on, he seemed comfortable enough around me to walk around barefoot as we picked golf balls off the driving range. With his hat hair, rolled up pants and bare feet he looked for all the world like he'd lost his fucking mind. I told him as much and he just shrugged his shoulders. We capped our bromantic evening by discussing the virtues of Megan Fox, a surefire panacea for team chemistry. I'm not helping the guy move anytime soon, but we're definitely better friends now.

I'll get around to the rest of these knuckleheads eventually. I hate having nothing else to write about besides work, but that's all there is to me right now. Oh wait, I got around to watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Not as bad as everyone told me it was, but nothing spectacular. I feel like David Fincher made the film to win a bar bet. You don't think I can put together a film that will appeal to the Academy Award voters? Prepare to eat a dick, Ron Howard! And thus, Benjamin Button.

So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?
No, no. It's the valet guy.
No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
Oh...no, that's ridiculous.
What if her experience with me drove her to it?
Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.

6/30/2009 05:51:00 PM | Comments (0)

The award for the first Michael Jackson joke I've heard since his death goes to my coworker Joel, who did a great job of deadpanning the setup. The exchange went a little like this...

J: Did you hear? They just got the autopsy results back for Michael Jackson, they said he didn't die of a heart attack.
Y: What? Really?
J: Yeah, he died of food poisoning.
Y: ...what?
J: He was eating a 12 year-old wiener.
Y: ...I'm reporting you to HR.

Fantastic stuff.

Let's just get some quick baseball links out of the way to start...

- Because I can't stop expressing my gay man-crush for Roy Halladay, here's an ESPN article that's a must read - The game's ultimate hitter-pitcher duel? Albert Pujols vs. Roy Halladay. Fun article, except one of the current MLB players asked was Tampa Bay Rays middle reliever Joe Nelson, who was one of the minority and picked Grienke as the guy to watch over Halladay. Pft, forget Joe Nelson. While gushing about Pujols, he mentions "I'm glad I'm pitching in the AL East." which is a pretty stupid statement, even if you ignore the fact that National League teams give pitchers a spot in the batting order instead of designated hitters which are a guys that get paid to do literally nothing else but to hit a baseball real good. The four best offenses in Major League Baseball play in the AL East (ranked #1 through #4 in team OPS) and the fifth team - Baltimore, 14th in team OPS - still has a better offense than the best hitting NL Central team - Milwaukee, ranked 15th. This is less a statement about how good Pujols is and more of a statement of how stupid Joe Nelson and his 4.70 ERA is.

- My two favourite Blue Jays highlights from the last couple of series...first, Scutaro's sneaky steal of second, just a great heads up play off the walk. I bet you didn't even know you could do that. I try to do this like almost once a game in softball off a single if the outfielders are slow to get it back in...only I get called back to first each time because the umpire's already called time and I just look like a huge asshole. And second, here's Rod Black's voice cracking as he gets way too excited after Adam Lind's home run (although granted three home runs in the first is kind of hype). Just really funny to me.

- Also, here's a bizarre Dick's Sporting Goods commercial featuring Jimmy Rollins. I'd like to say that I model my shortstop softball game on both Marco Scutaro and Jimmy Rollins...but both are above average defensive players, and comparing me to the 2007 NL MVP Jimmy Rollins would be ridiculous.

(I'm currently crushing the ball at a clip of .591/.679/1.091 in coed rec league right now, whereas Old Man Rollins is scuffling along at a very disappointing .211/.254/.328 pace. I am like three times the hitter he is right now, he's nowhere near my level.)

- Here's some more miscellaneous videos as I just empty my Notepad file of all baseball related stuff...former Seattle Mariners AAA prospect Josh Womack has some crazy bat skills. I had to watch it three times over to even understand what he was doing, that is some crazy stuff. Too bad he didn't actually have any legitimate bat skills...he's not on the Tacoma Rainiers roster any more and I have no idea if he's still even in professional baseball.

- A crazy clip of a guy slicing through a baseball in slow motion with a samurai sword on a Japanese variety show. Crazy in the sense of like...why are they doing this?

- More Japanese goodness, check out this crazy guy employing questionable tactics at the plate to interfere with the catcher's attempt to throw out a base stealer...one, two, and three! I have no idea who this is or when this is from, but checking the dates submitted and such you can tell it's fairly recent. He is being heavily criticized in Japan for doing this, but what I can't understand is why the umpires don't just call interference. This is the textbook definition of the rule. I also don't understand why he hasn't eaten a punch in the mouth from these catchers or a baseball to the face every time he goes to bat. Imagine if you saw someone do this in an MLB game...he wouldn't make it out of the diamond alive. Still...it's pretty funny.

- The Tampa Bay Rays semi-recently had a Western road trip on which they decided to enforce a cowboy styled dress code, either because they want to build team chemistry, or because they want to build team chemistry...and are all homosexuals. That guy at the bottom in the eye-searingly loud American flag shirt? Everybody's favourite replacement level outfielder Gabe Gross!

That concludes the baseball portion of the links.

- This picture gives me endless amusement.

That concludes the post.

You think baseball's about feelin' good?

6/26/2009 05:48:00 PM | Comments (0)

As I watched the manic woman yelling profanity at her criminal husband while their baby cried, amazed at how surreal - nay, Jerry Springer - this all was, I wondered how my day could get any better than this.

***

If you haven't seen The Hangover, watch it. It's quite entertaining, and doesn't bother with that pesky "heart" people keep trying to infuse comedies with these days.

Of course, that previous paragraph was redundant, since the people who read this site are also the same people who watched it with me. But I will say one more thing about The Hangover. It was bugging me throughout the movie, but I finally figured out why I thought I had seen Dr. Ken Jeong's "air money shot" move before. Danny McBride used it in Eastbound and Down. For what it's worth, I think our Asian brother does it better. Or maybe gayer. I can't tell.

***

The Sims 3 is apparently out. I still have the same computer since high school, so I'm not sure why I was surprised I couldn't run the game. Instead, I play it vicariously through Alice & Kev, the touching story of two homeless Sims who live in an abandoned park. The author is a gifted storyteller, and the blog has gotten some (much deserved) internet and mainstream media attention.

***

This is horrifying, but at the exact same time, quite hilarious. Watch from 0:26. I wish they just looped that image forever.

***

Fuck FMyLife. I'm sick of the same 4 posts:

1. I did something embarrassing in front of my crush, FML.
2. My parents show more affection towards my pet than to me, FML.
3. My boyfriend is a dick, FML.
4. I'm fat and/or disgusting, FML.

I love me some schadenfreude as much as the next person, but - and I'm shocked to say it - even laughing at the fat kid gets old sometimes.

Instead, I've found a new way to kill time at work: Texts from Last Night.

If FML is "Everybody Loves Raymond", TFLN is "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". Everybody is a 100% horrible person, right down to their rotten core. Hilarity ensues.

I could post some favourites, but really, how do you choose? They're like my children - I love them all*.

---

And lastly, here's a literal version of Total Eclipse of the Heart.


And in the immortal words of Mr. Chow, "Toodaloo, motherfuckaaaaaalalalalalala...."

*Except for the ugly one

6/20/2009 11:43:00 AM | Comments (0)

Andrea And Everything Else

Lion In A Coma - Animal Collective

So there's this girl at work. This seems like as good a place to start as any.

One of the jobs at the Meadowbrook Golf and Country Club (where I am currently employed) is that of the Beverage Cart Girl. I'm not sure if that's the official title, but their job is to serve beverages to the members, they ride on a cart containing said beverages and, as far as I've seen, they are all girls. Hence, my assumption.

There are two or three BCGs by my estimation and not surprisingly, they are all good looking. Since the country club clientele is 90% male, this obviously helps when you're trying to sell shots of Bailey's for $18 a pop. My official interaction with these ladies is nil, but when they pass by the back shop (that's the area where I work) I give them the nod and smile or some other silent pleasantry.

I want to tell you that I saw Andrea and fell head over heels, but the truth is that she's really the only one I would feel comfortable making advances on because the other girl, a blonde cutie named Amanda, is the sister of Matt Kelly (one of two Matts I work with, referred to from here on in as "Kelly"). Kelly is much bigger than me. I decide it would be best to leave his sister alone.

That said, I'm more attracted to Andrea anyway because she's a brunette and she has these amazing eyes. I finally managed to talk to her at lunch the other day after a slow build. Again, there are the "how do you do?" glances that occur a few times a day. Then there was some work-related conversation by the golf cart shed. Banal, I know, but important to establishing a thin rapport so that a more in-depth lunchtime conversation would not be so jarring. The timing couldn't be better.

When I go into the clubhouse, I find Andrea and Sarah eating in silence. Sarah is a nice enough girl who works in the pro shop. The pro shop is where the members pay for cart and club rentals and purchase merchandise. If we're the Morlocks, the pro shop employees are like the Eloi. It was a slightly awkward situation when I walked in because I could tell there was zero conversation between the two girls. I don't need to remind you that deep down, all women straight up hate each other. I ask a couple of questions about today's lunch to break the ice and then sit down with them to further engage. I bring up the usual stuff regarding how they like work, how long have they been here, etc. The questions are posed to both of them, but I'm sitting across from Andrea and concentrating on her, maintaining eye contact and gauging body language and facial expressions. Again, those eyes are really something.

Sarah eventually finishes up and I ask Andrea how much longer she has for her lunch break. She replies that she can take as long as she wants, which is both good and bad. On the one hand, it gives us a lot of time to talk. On the other hand, if she leaves in the next five minutes, I know it's because I'm a boring bastard and not because duty is calling. Tricky.

After five minutes of chit-chat, she doesn't seem in a hurry to go so...

a) I'm doing well
b) She's easy to talk to
c) She does not want to go back to aimlessly driving her cart
d) Some combination of the above

I find out that she's going into her third year at Guelph and that she's studying Tourism Management. Hey, I'm as amazed as you are that I remember that. When answering her, I try to be vague though I accidentally let it slip that the reason I'm here is "to get some money in my pocket and figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life". Ugh. Loser point!

Since it's our first time really talking, I figure it's definitely too early to exchange numbers or propose a date, though I suppose I better get on that soon before I become "that nice Chinese guy at work". A fate worse than death, for sure.

I also stupidly brought up my coworker Mike Valenti, because I was telling her an amusing story about the back shop. For some reason I have the odd habit of referring to everyone by their full names so when I mention that Mike's last name is Valenti, she freaks a little because her last name is Valente and she has a brother named Mike. I assure her that it would be unlikely that two siblings could work at the same place for months and not realize it. That's the kind of thing that might come up around the house. Either way, she says that she has to meet this guy. D'oh!

When Valenti comes in for his shift, I ask him if he knows Andrea and he says "I've seen her before. She's cute, eh?" I decide to nip this in the bud and tell him about their similar last names. He says they're probably not related, but that it would be a funny way for him to start talking to her. I tell him to back off, because she's probably his cousin and that kind of behaviour isn't tolerated in these parts (though we are on the edge of Stouffville, so maybe).

"Come on, Alex. We work in the backshop, we're like the big dogs of this place. It's every man for himself."

The other guy coming in for his shift is named Cormac and I tell him to cock block Valenti if that girl comes by. It's on now, son. It's so freakin' on.

*****

Backshop work includes, but is not limited to these tasks:

1) Bringing the carts out of the shed in the morning and parking them along the grass.
2) Leaving the golf clubs out for members that have scheduled tee times and pulling clubs out for whoever shows up during the day, expected or otherwise.
3) Setting up the driving range and making sure that there are enough balls at all times.
4) Towel laundry.
5) Cleaning and storing the clubs when the members are finished.
6) Spraying down golf carts with the power washer.
7) Garbage, cleaning the washrooms, sweeping, all that good stuff.

My top priority is to assist the members in any way I can. Sometimes members will park their Aston Martins in front of the club and ask for their clubs because they're going golfing in Australia. Sometimes a member will be late for their tee time and I have to take a cart and drive them out to their hole. Often, I stand in front of the backshop twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen.

Mentally, the job is obviously super relaxing. I don't mind the physical exertion, because it certainly is not going to hurt me to get some exercise. The members are nice and polite for the mostpart and I get to work outdoors. There's so much I enjoy about it. The whole outdoor aspect really struck me when I got my first early morning shift. I wanted to make sure I got there on time so I made sure to leave myself plenty of time to get out of the house and I got to the club before everyone else. As I wandered around the perimeter of the pro shop, I noticed the first hints of the sun coming up. As much as I've enjoyed doing absolutely zero for the last year or so, I never made a habit of setting a decent wake-up time for myself. After setting up the carts and clubs, I had time for a breather. As I peered over the distant hills, I realized that I've missed too many sunrises.

You'll be happy to know that as great a time as I've been having at work for the last six weeks, I'm not satisfied. This job is just helping me with remembering how to work on someone else's time. I'd forgotten how to handle even the most basic responsibility. Don't get me wrong, making sure that Mr. Pennypacker's golf clubs are ready by 9:30 isn't going to change the world, but at least I know I'm contributing to something, even something as trivial as a round of golf. I'm taking babysteps towards what I want and what I feel comfortable doing, though I know what's needed is an enormous, Hulk-like leap.

*****

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers on a well-deserved championship! Let us reflect on a quality season of NBA basketball by celebrating the 2008-2009 All Pussy Team.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy. Welcome to my lair. Well now. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Well you know I be from Jamaica, man...Lord ha'mercy!
What part of Jamaica?
Right near 'da beach. Boy-ee!

6/16/2009 04:12:00 PM | Comments (0)

As soon as you think you've established some sort of foothold, life has this knack for pulling the rug right out from under you. Now I've seen drastic overhauls before, but today the foundation of truth wobbles, the monolith of certainty crumbles...

They're revamping the rules for Magic again.

The last time this happened was in 1999 with Sixth Edition. The introduction of the stack was simply necessary for cleaning up the timing rules for instants and "interrupts", and the changes to combat (tapped creatures deal damage, and locked-in damage via the stack) played out really well once you got used to them. Now, I know that nobody cares anymore about this except for Max, who still keeps talking incessantly to me about Magic. I keep trying to hint that nobody here plays anymore, but he still won't stop jabbering. Anyway, for Max's benefit, and his only, here are the big rules changes:

1) Combat damage no longer uses the stack.

If the creature's not there, it doesn't deal damage, which really makes a lot of sense. But we have now lost that beautiful phrase: "Damage on the stack?" Just saying it made you feel like a pro -- as long as you were the one saying it. Because when that same question came from the guy across the table, you knew that you were about to get wrecked. But as much as I loved abusing the timing shenanigans, the whole block-sac-two-for-one thing really did feel like cheating to me, even if it was "just" Sakura-Tribe Elder. And it was hell trying to explain it to Lee.

2) You don't take mana burn.

Mana just disappears at the end of each step without hurting you. (Yes, each step: this used to be each phase, so now you can no longer float mana from your upkeep to your draw step, or between combat steps.) This seems like a pretty innocuous change at first. I mean, it usually only mattered for mana flare or ritual effects. But I think I'm going to miss this one the most. After all, the whole point of mana burn was to let you go down in a blaze of glory before you were about to get trounced. This tactic would deny your opponent the satisfaction of killing you, and was especially effective in Shandalar.

3) New game terminology, such as "exile" instead of "remove from the game", and "enter the battlefield" instead of "put into play."

Well, you've got to appeal to that Yu-Gi-Oh crowd somehow.

Anyway, here's the full article.

6/10/2009 04:31:00 PM | Comments (1)

So I know we haven't played Rock Band in awhile but uhh... WOLF LIKE ME has been made a DLC song. Try to hold your excitement Pang.

6/04/2009 06:09:00 PM | Comments (0)

This link is only for the sports fans who read our site. By that I mean Alex and Will. So technically, they're not really fans at all.

6/01/2009 05:39:00 PM | Comments (0)